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"My Significant experience" From reticient to confident --Commonapp Essay


XueAmir 6 / 25  
Oct 15, 2010   #1
Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.

I wrote this earlier today,so I know there are probably a few grammatical errors maybe even a couple. I'm not that strong of a writer ,so all the possible feedback would be greatly appreciated.

When I look back at my early childhood, I distinctly remember some of my fellow classmates at recess who were always picked last to be on a team. They usually were not the most sporty or loquacious people. They often kept to themselves and fashioned small congregations after being rejected to join a team. I was once one of those kids reserved, bashful, and always known for intellectual skills rather than athletic skills. However, being taller than the average 5th grader always led people to think I was the next Michael Jordan. Consequently, when it came to basketball; I was often picked to join one of the teams. After the team viewed my lack of coordination with the basketball, they soon asked if anyone else would like to play and take my spot.

Since, I wasn't the finest athlete during elementary school; this refutation led me to focus on other endeavors such as my academics. During middle school, I decided to pursue my academic interest competitively on the debate team. While on the debate team, I met people of all ethnicities and backgrounds with one common goal of being the best debater possible. Through debating, I learned to articulate my ideas with confidence. My shyness and reticent manner slowly faded as I practiced on the debate team. After the debate team season ended, I came to grasp that I was solely known for my academic interests. Something was missing, but I wasn't sure what exactly. While, I greatly benefited from the debate team, I realized that I veiled my previous rejections with the debate team. I confidently decided to clinch my past rejections, and surpass the "smart guy" on the debate team label which I was bestowed.

Towards the end of middle school, I received an acceptance letter to the Science and Technology Magnet Program at a local high school. Initially, I knew hardly anything about the school, but contemplated the occurrence might be a pleasant, new experience. I knew the next four years would be imperative for university, so I took a break from extramural activities for 9th grade.

After taking a four-year hiatus from sports, I decided to try out for my school's varsity soccer team. Conditioning was enormously gruesome and exhausting as we completed several offensive and defensive drills for hours. At first, I feared adjusting to the physical contact and pace needed to play soccer would be complicated. Unlike in elementary school, the coach disregarded my abilities and was able to teach me the skills needed to play the game competently. There were times where I felt my legs would die out as I watched the other guys execute drills almost effortlessly. I thought maybe I should just give up, but I remembered that David Viscott once said, "In the end, the only people who fail are those who don't try." The tryouts were even more exhausting, I put my best foot forth but I knew I was competing with players who were trying to become college-level soccer players. I was restless and anxious to see the results. I thought my efforts might have been futile. One week after tryouts, I walked fretfully to view the results. This piece of paper labeled "Varsity Soccer Roster" held great empowerment over people as we anxiously waited for the coach to post the results.

To my surprise, I made the team. The excitement that flew by me after seeing those results was short lived. I now was on the team, but I knew the entire varsity team was now contending for positions. Being one of the younger guys on the team, the older teammates decried my skill level and could not ponder upon how I made varsity. The coach favored the older players for their skills and maturity. Hence, most of the younger players received very little playing-time. During, one game in particular, we were tied one-to-one. The chief goal-scorer got injured, and was taken off the field. The coach hesitantly told me to play his spot. I eagerly jumped off the bench and proceeded onto the field. When I received the ball, I worked unexpected magic and wowed the crowd as I dribbled through defenders and scored the winning goal. I didn't get much playing time that year, outside of when the "star" players were injured. After that season, I learned the other players weren't criticizing my skills out of spite, but merely to assist me in developing my skills. In addition, my perseverance and endeavors taught me that the nothing is out of your reach. My new founded confidence is now instilled in all aspects of my life whether it's meeting new people, preparing for an exam, or even playing on the field.

As my senior year slowly comes to a close, I look at the younger members of the team and notice similar traits I had when I was younger. I eagerly voice some words of advice that they're not the only ones struggling, because most of us had to work ardently to improve. Through the journey, I gained confidence in myself, pride in my work, and learned that if you work hard enough anything is possible.

Editor1010 9 / 33  
Oct 16, 2010   #2
It is never good to start an essay with a question also you are using the word YOU do not talk to the reader this is very important in formal writing.

I remember those kids at recess who were always picked last to play a game. They usually were not the most athletic or talkative people.

As a child, I was always known for my intellectual skills rather than athletic skills. However, being taller than the average 5th grader always led people to think I was the next Michael Jordan. Consequently, when it came to basketball; I was often picked to join one of the teams. After the team viewed my lack of coordination with the basketball, they soon asked if anyone else would like to play and take my spot.
OP XueAmir 6 / 25  
Oct 16, 2010   #3
When I look back at my early childhood, I distinctly remember some of my fellow classmates at recess who were always picked last to be on a team? They usually were not the most athletic or talkative people. They often kept to themselves or formed small congregations after being rejected to play a certain sport. I was once one of those kids. As a child, I was always known for my intellectual skills rather than athletic skills. However, being taller than the average 5th grader always led people to think I was the next Michael Jordan. Consequently, when it came to basketball; I was often picked to join one of the teams. After the team viewed my lack of coordination with the basketball, they soon asked if anyone else would like to play and take my spot.
Editor1010 9 / 33  
Oct 17, 2010   #4
When I look back at my early childhood, I distinctly remember some of my fellow classmates at recess who were always picked last to be on a team?.

GOOD ! :D

Ill edit some more of it if you do the same with mine!
angu2923 2 / 3  
Oct 17, 2010   #5
"The excitement that flew by meMy excitement after seeing those results was short lived."

"My new foundedfound confidence..."

"While, I greatly benefited from the debate team..." This sounds a bit awkward and the comma is unnecessary. Perhaps, While I learned a great deal from the debate team... ?

Other than that, sounds pretty good so far!

-Amanda


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