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"Silence," said the co-ordinator ; Common app- Challenge essay

gundala1 3 / 1  
Dec 30, 2012   #1
I need to shoten this essay. Its about 640 words. Only a maximum of 500 words are allowed. Any critiques are appriciated. Its URGENT.

"Silence," said the co-ordinator knocking the door. Within no time principal entered class to make an announcement for a week's holiday. "Inform your parents to attend parent-teachers association and to pick you up for this vacation tomorrow," looking at his watch, he said "Classes for today are cancelled, and you may now leave to your dorms. Happy holidays! "

As soon as the bell rang for the lunch break, I immediately rushed to phone booth to call my mom. "Mom," I said excitedly over the phone, "we've got one week holidays in our hostel and I need you here to pick me up and attend parent teachers meeting tomorrow". "Sorry Sunny, I can't come as I am in city hospital now," said my mom in a grim tone of voice. "What!? What happened and what are you doing there?" I asked, the anxiety faded my joy away. "It's dad. He has had an attack of brain haemorrhage; I actually thought of calling you and your uncle here, because I need to get to work to pay for the medical and insurance covers," said my mom and the call was cut. I was left without enough coins to continue the call. I prayed principal's office, took permission and rushed as fast as I could to see my father at city hospital. After checking out with reception regarding the whereabouts of my dad, my heart was thumping as I climbed hospital stairs and my mind was madly spinning theories of what could have happened. Finally, I saw my dearest father amid those white sheets, on a bed, with all wires on him and weird instruments around.

Days passed in a blur from then on, and my mom was busy working overtime as we were going through a tough phase financially. I stayed in hospital, beside my dad, taking care of him. Days passed with wild speed and before I realised it, it was about one and a half month that I left my college, beginning on a holiday that lasted for a week. It would take 10-15 days before my dad could be left for himself. I was going on through a series of notices from my college and there were very important courses going on in the college. After two months, I was finally able to leave my dad for my mom and went to attend college.

I went to school; classes were running with .... speed. First time math looked to be a monster. When I left school, we were about to start Integral Calculus but then they were about to complete differential equations. As soon as the lecturer left stage after writing a question on magnetism, the whole class were the shouting answer. All the classes then, appeared to be in Greek and Latin. Within no time a notice worried me a lot. Notice carried information about state wide tests that were about to start in 15 days, which would earn a tuition fee waiver. I spent hours to get on with calculus. I was half the way through calculus; rest of the syllabus in physics and chemistry worried me. No matter, I completed it. I organised my time to conclude the exam syllabus. Luckily, there was less syllabus to finish in chemistry. I stopped attending revision classes and taught them by myself. Some of my friends helped me to understand the confusing portions. I spent restless nights to practice problems in math and physics. Teachers helped me most of the time to understand difficult concepts. Eventually, it was the exam day, which we all awaited for. Silence went all along the corridors of school that day. I was anxious about the results which are to be announced in the following day. To my surprise I was in top 5 in my school and in top 20 in state, thereby qualifying for tuition fee waiver.

keroro 5 / 14 4  
Dec 30, 2012   #2
Overall, I think the essay is too much about telling a story; it doesn't show how this experience has changed or affected you (besides that you worked harder to pull your grades up). I would recommend writing mostly about your father, maybe how taking care of him made you appreciate him more rather then about the exam. There are also a lot of grammar problems, really with sentence structure I think. I hope this helps!
alicela - / 18 1  
Dec 30, 2012   #3
I think you need more of a reflection. I understand that this was a hard time for you, but I get little of what you were actually thinking, beyond fear, worry, or relief. Also, the conclusion doesn't quite close up the story well. Also, you keep using the word 'college.' Don't you mean 'high school?'

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