If you cold please read over my essay for any grammatical errors. If you have creative suggestions, please tell. Overall i just need feedback. This is the essay I am using for the common application.
Prompt 1: Describe the world you come from-for example, your family, community or school -and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
I was born the youngest of three girls, and yet I became the middle child. Every afternoon around 3:30, a yellow school bus would bring my sister home, prompting the nurse to wheel her in, and begin the daily medical routine. True, I had no ordinary family. My older sister was diagnosed with severe cerebral palsy, a neurological disorder which disabled the function of her mobility and speech skills. As a child at the age of four, I was only able to understand that she could no longer walk, talk, eat properly, or use hand gestures. Between a boisterous older sister and a sister with special needs, I had to find my place. At the age of five, I had matured and become the middle child. In this newfound role I had to notice where help was needed and assist without being prompted. At five I desired to be altruistic.
Research states that the siblings of handicapped children grow to become caregivers or doctors, and indeed it was my sister who initiated my passion for the medical sciences. Unlike those who enter the field seeking affluence, I chose to enter to better the lives of others. In retrospect, the room I shared with my two older sisters was laced with medical equipment, but ironically always felt like home. With time I took an interest in the shots, meds, feeding tubes and oxygen tanks. The Medicare nurses changed often and I didn't want to wonder if the new nurse was giving the right dose for the intended protocol. It was my sister they were caring for, so I needed to know. The information was not something a child could easily understand, but I aspired to become knowledgeable of the procedures and protocols, so I worked hard to learn. At that age I discovered I could learn anything placed in front of me despite those who may believe it was beyond my capability. I had the potential, and all I needed was the drive and curiosity to realize my passion.
I can remember an instance when I was sitting in the cafeteria of UC Davis surrounded by teams of the Special Olympics. I was neither afraid nor judgmental, but touched and reminded of love. In that moment, it was as if my sister had never passed, and I was surrounded by hundreds of my brothers and sisters. Having a sister with special needs caused me to admire those facing physical and mental adversities. I see promise and potential in their lives, when no one else seems to. As a child, I decided that I had to love and treat my sister no different than I would have anyone else in order for her to live an equal and fulfilling life. I never saw my sister as disabled, but instead differently-abled. I now feel it is my place to be the voice of all individuals facing challenging adversities, as it was once my place to be my sisters voice.
This attitude has moved into my adolescence as I set high expectations for myself with regards to education and attending college. As I now seek to enter the field of clinical medicine and research, I understand that I will face challenges and adversity, but because I learned the lesson of perseverance as a child, I can emerge successful. Although my sister passed when I was ten, I still wish to use my capabilities to enhance the lives of others. I have this one life to live, and if not lived helping others, than what good is my existence?
Hi.
This essay is really touching. I have read many essays about relatives passing away, but none of them has captured the emotion that you have. I like the way you talk about how your experience at the Special Olympic reminds you of your sister. Everything is in the right places. Also, it is good that you have mentioned your career interests, because personally I find it challenging.
One question though:
all I needed was the drive and curiosity to realize my passion.
The impression that this quote gives me is that you lack curiosity and motivation and you are still looking for them. But I think this is clearly not the case. Do you mean you need the knowledge and resource/power that universities provide to realize your ambition or something?
Sorry about your loss.
The language you use is surprisingly simple. Looking at your essay makes me feel that I am exaggerating my own experience. At this moment, I am struggling with my essays too. Not a good sign =/
G L~
I am totally moved.
But I am curious: referring to your title, are you or your sister the supporter?
i ask this because if you are supporting her that's very obvious but i don't think you are silent
but if your sister is supporting you i can't find much information in your essay mentioning this.
Thank you very much. Regarding the title, I have since changed the name to The Supporter, as I played a large part in being her caregiver.
@zengriz
Oh i see how it could have been read this way. I meant that at the young age I realized that I needed those qualities to succeed in life so I take that and use it as my drive for everything. But I will try to re-word it to make it clearer.
Also, I am also rewriting this essay as I now think I should show more than tell. When I am done, hopefully you can read it and tell me which one you think is better, as I am still unsure.
Firstly, thank you for taking the time to read my essay.
Secondly, I'm so sorry about your sister, I don't know what I would do without my brother so I really admire the strength that shines through in your essay.
In second to last paragraph, it's not something *as a child I could easily understand*
last sentence: then what good IS my existence?
Good luck!
