Please, please, please help, I'm pressed for time and I need to know if I need to change or alter anything in the essay. Also, do you think it tells enough about how it has affected me as a person? Thank you for reading!
Prompt:Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?
About 10 to 20 students held their breaths as they anxiously pressed up against the doors to the theater. Their extravagant, awkward, heavy clothing spilled onto the floor as they held hands and their eyes connected with one another, sending one last silent "break a leg" before it began. I stood pressed among them, wearing an old aviator cap and a beret stacked on my head, aviator goggles around my neck, and poufy MC Hammer pants that had been stuffed with tissue paper and duct taped to my legs minutes before. As the beginning notes of Guns-n-Roses' "Welcome to the Jungle" filtered through the vents, we silently counted to ten Mississippi like practiced, and together we opened the doors and ran screaming into the room, our hands held high and our eyes sparkling.
The beginning of my freshman year, I had been disappointed by the lack of opportunities my high school offered. It was a brand new school and therefore no one really knew what to do. Two months in I had made next to no friends, and my social life consisted of homework and watching movies on YouTube. So when one of my classmates in Biology asked if I wanted to audition for the school play with her, how could I say no?
Fast forward four years and I never would have guessed that Shakespeare's "A Midsummer Night's Dream" would have made such a huge impact on my life. Despite the fact that I got a small role as Quince, the leader of the comedic relief, I was proud of myself for having the guts to audition in front of my peers and having the dedication and determination to attend every single rehearsal. Nevertheless the play was far from easy. The process was long and arduous and rehearsals would often go late into the night. Our opening date had to be pushed back at least three times. But I never complained. The play gave me the opportunity to meet so many new and interesting people and instead of being the shy and quiet one, I was forced to come out of my shell and act silly and awkward to fulfill my role. Laughter became my new friend.
When it came time for opening night, we were more than ready. The amount of energy and excitement we all contained could be felt in the air around us. It was hard to keep the smile off my face as I performed for the first time ever. Acting has shaped who I am into a more outgoing, risk taking individual who is not afraid to be myself in front of others. Now when I look back on that night, I laugh. I had to have fallen on my butt at least three times throughout the whole play, but that's what made that night even more memorable. Even through all of the blush worthy mishaps in my life, I aim to smile through it all and come out successful in the end.
I just read your essay and comes up with some suggestions:
1. I was sort of confused while reading your introduction, I didn't know what it is about until reading the 2nd paragraph. Besides, there is no connection between the 1st and 2nd paragraph.
2. The first part of the 2nd paragraph, from "The beginning of my freshman year,...how could I say no?" sounded more like an introduction to me. It helped me figure out what your essay is about.
3. I think what you described in your essay is too broad. Like i know that the play changed your personality but I don't know how it happened. Was there any specific story or incident that completely affected you?
4. I like the way you described things in the first paragraph, but I think it's too long. Try to re-organize your essay so the readers won't be confused while reading it, and be more specific about your stories.
Hope they help. All the best for you.
I had been disappointed by the lack of opportunities my high school offered.I was disappointed over not having enough opportunities at my high school.
Two months in I had made next to no friends, and my social life consisted of homework and watching movies on YouTube.For two months I had no friends while my social life suffered seriously. All I did during leisure was homework and watching movies on YouTube.
So when one of my classmates in Biology asked if I wanted to audition for the school play with her, how could I say no?In this background how I could refuse an invitation for auditioning for the school play? Without any hesitation, I said yes to my friend.