Hey all! I'm applying for the AA department at UW and need to submit a College of Engineering Personal Statement. I would really like to know your feedback as far as possible revisions and ways to shorten it would be. Also I would like to know if I answered the prompt pretty good or not. The length is a bit longer than it should be, so I will need to shorten it.
Describe how you could bring a broad perspective to the engineering classroom. Factors to discuss include, but are not limited to: multi-cultural awareness, activities, or accomplishments; educational background and goals; living experiences, such as growing up in a disadvantaged or unusual environment; and special interests or talents. (Limit to 250 words)
As an individual who came from an impoverished family that struggled to pay the bills and relied heavily on food and clothing donations to survive, I learned quickly how to be humble and satisfied with the simpler things in life.
Every year for Christmas' and birthdays, instead of receiving expensive toys and video game consoles, my family would get me clearance-sale gifts from second-hand stores such as model airplanes and National Geographic magazines about outer space and the solar system. As a child, these gifts were my life - for I spent countless hours meticulously painting and assembling my aircraft models while simultaneously learning about the universe as I flipped through the pages of the magazines. This was where I discovered that I had a thriving hunger for knowledge about the wonders of aviation and the universe around us, and had inaugurated my future goal of becoming an aeronautical engineer; driven to accommodate my part on the expansion of our knowledge of the universe.
Motivated by my scorching desire of becoming an aeronautical engineer, I've excelled in virtually every college course I have taken; and received several awards in high school for math and science. I have held an active role in society by donating to families in need - a cause that is very personal to me; and getting involved in campaigns that promote sustainability practices in the environment. Throughout my journey in my education, I met a variety of exceptional people with diverse backgrounds who have influenced me to refine the importance in my goals, enabling me to keep growing.
If there was a lesson I learned while living a life in poverty it's that sometimes the simpler ideas can yield the greatest changes in life. So take it upon yourself to be observant in your surroundings and coherent towards the people around you.
Hi Josh,
With regards to your essay, I would say that this personal statement has already answered the prompt clearly. It is also well-written and well-developed. However, there are some parts that needs to be summarized due to words limitation problem. I think that the first and second paragraph of your essay can be combined by omitting this part of a sentence "Every year for Christmas' and birthdays, instead of receiving expensive toys and video game consoles, my family would..." and directly explain about what makes you "satisfied by simpler things in life" from the first paragraph. Moreover, this sentence "I've excelled in virtually every college course I have taken;" is somehow ambiguous. It could posses a negative sense, which means there are some of them that you're not excelled or even bad at them. Therefore, you can omit this part. Lastly, you can also combine the third paragraph and the last paragraph by also summarizing the information given.
Good luck in revising this essay Josh :)
Hi Josh, as I read along, I must say that the essay needs a few modifications, however, I commend you for taking that extra step to express your interest in studying Aeronautics. I came from an aeronautics school and I must say, it is quiet challenging, you really have to have that passion, a firing desire to develop your knowledge in aeronautics and gain valuable insights from all sides of the industry, like any other field, learning aeronautics is definitely not limited to the four sides of the classroom.
Below are my suggestions that will hopefully enhance your essay.
- Throughout my academic journey in my education ,
- to refine the importancelogic ofin my goals, - enabling me to keeping me growing and motivated .
- If there wasis a lesson
- in poverty it's that, sometimes
- the simpler ideas can yield
There you have it Josh, I hope this plight of yours will be fulfilled and I wish you the best of luck in all your future endeavors in life. The corrections I made above are very minor and I hope it's useful to your revision.
Thank you very much for your recommendations! I deeply appreciate it!
Hi Josh, thank you for the appreciation. There's definitely nothing more valuable than logging in and reading words of thanks from the reviews that we provide to your projects.
As mentioned, there's very minor modifications towards your work, however, if you can eliminate them, it will be absolutely better. The thing is, to get better at this craft, time, dedication and the determination to excel is the key to create a well written essay or a project per say.
As you move along and write more projects, mind the following reminders;
- mind the logical placement of your words, this is quiet crucial as it affects the overall outcome of your essay.
- use the right words or group of words in your sentences, this will define the entire idea of the essay and will draw its fate
- complete the sentence by injecting your own opinion to the subject at hand, this will add personality to the essay
Lastly, make sure to develop a critique within you, this will not only help you create a better essay but more importantly, you will be able to see where you need enhancement and be able to correct it before passing it on to other people for additional valuable opinion.
