I need critique and such on my essay, pleeasse. I want it to be the best possible XD (duh) Dont even worry about coming off too harsh! Anything at all that can make it seem more professional, or anything at all that will make it stand out.. I appreciate it!
This is the prompt:
For almost one hundred years, the Latin words, "Vires, Artes, Mores" have been the guiding philosophy behind Florida State University. Vires signifies strength of all kinds - moral, physical, and intellectual; Artes alludes to the beauty of intellectual pursuits as exemplified in skill, craft, or art; and Mores refers to character, custom, or tradition. Describe how one or more of the values embodied in these concepts are reflected in your life.
And this is my essay:
Ever since I can remember, my biggest hero was Steve Irwin. I look back fondly on sitting on the floor in my grandmother's bedroom staring up at The Crocodile Hunter on the television, amazed by the man on the screen. I have always wanted to be just like him, and I think that he embodies Florida State's "Vires, Artes, Mores" philosophy perfectly.
The first of the words, Vires, signifies strength. Be it the physical strength of a man who wrestles crocodiles for a living, or the moral strength of a teenage girl who has the courage to stand up against peers that attempt to pressure her into things she does not agree with, strength is an important thing. I have always tried to be the best of the best, and have the fortitude to "keep going when the going gets tough," as it were. Having practically raised myself and my younger sister when my mother was out all the time, I was forced to be strong at a young age. Though now in a much more stable environment, I keep that strength close, because I know as a senior in highschool that I will need it soon.
Artes is next, and its focus on beauty and intellectual matters is something I consider essential to success. Steve Irwin was a very skilled man, and reveled in the beauty of the natural world. It was largely through his shows and documentaries that I gathered my accumulation of wildlife knowledge, as well as his message of careful diligence that has influenced my approach to the world. Whether calming a poisonous snake, or writing a research paper on the effect of placebos, this is an important thing to embody. All my life I have been very careful to keep up with my schoolwork, and excel in a vigorous curriculum of honors and AP classes.
The final word is Mores, and I believe that it applies most. Everything I have mentioned above is a part of the character I try to personify, as well as much more. Irwin was always very expressive of his character, and I exemplify it in myself. Looking for the best in everyone, finding the beauty of the natural world, standing up for my religious and moral beliefs.. these are all character traits that I share with my roll model. Everything we express in this world is reflective of our character, and I look forward to FSU helping me not only assert the character I have already built, but help me build on it further.
While I like steve irwin and your writing, the essay itself comes off a bit bland. I like the ideas and support behind each word, but the structure is very expected. It is not bad, just adequate. It reads like a standard five paragraph essay. From the sentences themselves, I can see you could definitely be better than this.
However, that would be such an overhaul of the essay I'm not sure how to advise you.
If you like it the way it is, I would suggest breaking up the sentences that read "whether" steve irwin situation "or" your own situation "so and so is important." It shoves too many ideas into one sentence, forcing you to use filler to fill up the some of the paragraph. You should try highlighting how strange it isthat the life of a teenage girl and the life of a crocodile hunter include the same values, and use that to string together the examples of strength and so forth.
Also, the quote "keep going..." doesn't really add to your essay. I think you should just say that idea without the quotes.
There are a few spelling errors (roll -> role; highschool -> high school).
But I do like it! I think with some editing you'll have a very good essay on your hands.
Describe how one or more of the values embodied in these concepts are reflected in your life.
This part is an opportunity to show how committed and passionate you are about your chosen major, plans for college, etc. As it is now, this essay is a little general; you have some cool sentence structure... for example, I read, "Be it the physical strength of a man who wrestles crocodiles for a living, or the moral strength of a teenage girl who has the courage to stand up against peers that attempt to pressure her into things she does not agree with..." and I'm thinking,
Cool sentence! but then it ends in an anti-climactic way: strength is an important thing. and I think
nooooooo! you should say something profound here, like a zen master or yoda.
BTW Mary, you gave some very thoughtful feedback here, thank you! You are cool...
Samantha, as you work with this some more... do not just say "Artes is next" as the first sentence of a paragraph. And do not state the obvious: Vires signifies strength. they already know that, so again, be a zen master. Give your deepest insights. Strength to me means something different than what it means to Oprah Winfrey or Deepak Chopra. What does strength mean to you, and how does it relate to your career aspirations? I look forward to seeing another draft with no "unhelpful" sentences. :-)
