Hi! Comments and constructive criticism (pardon the alliteration) would be appreciated!
I don't want to be packed like sardines! - A concern spanning across all magnitudes regarding the need for space
If Singapore's land were to be distributed evenly amongst its population, I would effectively be living on a meagre 15 by 10 metre plot of land. That is how densely populated Singapore will be in 2050, and that is almost 176 times more crowded than the United States.
It was a typical weekend at home: My dad was rehearsing his Teochew Opera pieces in the living room, while my mum was watching her favourite Korean drama serial. As it has been quite a while since I had spent some intimate one-on-one time with myself, I left the "House of Cacophony" and headed to the neighbourhood "Park of Serenity", hoping to have some private time and space on my own. To the least of my expectations, the oft-vacant park had already been flooded with throngs of people! Feeling dejected as I was unable to have a quiet moment of my own, I headed back home, only to be greeted by the operatic clanging of cymbals.
This is not the first time the social phenomenon of overcrowding has deprived me of personal space. Train rides were once the times where I could read my favourite Archie Comics, interact with the people seated beside me, and silently hum to the songs played in my iPod. However, train rides these days have become a challenging affair, as I have to tolerate the alluring stench of perspiration mixed with Dior perfume, avoid my petite self from disintegrating as passengers swarm into the stuffy carriages, and attempt to maintain my balance every time the train halts. Furthermore, these cabins are filled with an increasing proportion of foreigners in recent years (Chinese, Indians, Filipinos... the term 'melting pot' sure is apt), and this occasionally makes me feel like a foreigner in my own country.
Don't get me wrong. I do appreciate diversity, for Singapore is after all a nation of immigrants, and we need foreign talent to ensure economic prosperity and to cushion our plummeting birth rates. Neither am I necessarily claustrophobic (I would not have rushed to the front of the mosh pit during Lady GaGa's concert in that case.) All I need is some space, in a physical sense. Yet, this physical space has become something so elusive in my increasingly compact and urbanized country - a country that is accommodating more people at the expanse of the scarce greenery that we already have.
I love hamsters. Once, I even kept 15 hamsters in my tiny hamster cage. A week later, after I returned home from my family vacation, those docile-looking creatures turned malicious. I saw some of them gnawing on their offspring, while some were scurrying around hoarding as many sunflower seeds as they could, simultaneously fending off their gnarling attackers: it was a rodent riot set in full motion.
Well, it seems very likely to me that human beings would start clawing for survival and sanity if we were confined in equally restricted dimensions. Such a possibility might very well come true, as Mother Earth (who has not grown much in size over the millenniums correspondingly) is expected to contain 9 billion Homo sapiens in 2040.
Now that terrifies me.
Ever since the problem of overcrowding was presented before me, I have always wanted to be an urban planner. I want to improve the public transportation system so that the passengers no longer need to become packed sardines. I want tall and elegant residential estates to be built to house the 6 million Singaporeans. I also want to set up more green spaces so that my children in future can enjoy nature even within the concrete jungle. These resolutions do seem to come at loggerheads with each other, but for the benefit of future generations, I am determined to make it work!
It would be quite some time before I visit the neighbourhood park again. Meanwhile, I shall be contented with the small but cosy room I have, and make do with the clanging cymbals.
Louis.
living on a meagre
Is this supposed to be "meager"
As it has been quite
should be "as it had"
alluring stench of perspiration mixed
Sure doesn't sound "alluring". alluring means attractive..
I love hamsters. Once, I even kept 15 hamsters in my tiny hamster cage. A week later, after I returned home from my family vacation, those docile-looking creatures turned malicious. I saw some of them gnawing on their offspring, while some were scurrying around hoarding as many sunflower seeds as they could, simultaneously fending off their gnarling attackers: it was a rodent riot set in full motion
I suggest a better transition. Seems completely random!
It would be quite some time before I visit
I think this should be "It will be "
Overall, I think this is a pretty well structured essay. Do you live in America now, to have gone to lady gaga's concert?
Anyways, I would appreciate it if you had a look at my Franny and Zooey essay.
to mustafa: just tell me which paragraphs. i'll add in a transition.
my brain cells are just fried so i thought of just putting it up and let the criticism flow. and i shall come back from a party and be amazed by the things i wrote.
to polarbear: thx for the corrections. gaga came to singapore once this year. will see yr essay when i get back.
amendment
All I need is some space, in a physical sense. Yet, this physical space has become something so elusive in my increasingly compact and urbanized country.
This concept could very well be applied to animals as well. I once kept 15 hamsters in my tiny hamster cage.
is this better?
I like food, you write very well! Reading this is a nice experience.
pardon the alliteration
Alliterations are people, too!
are filled with an increasing proportion of foreigners in recent years (Chinese, Indians, Filipinos... the term 'melting pot' sure is apt), and this occasionally makes me feel like a foreigner in my own country.
This seems prejudiced. Whenever you write "foreigner," it seems prejudiced. Maybe you don't have to call them foreigners.
