Dear Roomate!
I'm Zhang Yi Tao, your roommate to be! I'm really excited about going to Stanford, but at the same time I feel a twinge of curiosity and anxiety on what university life will hold in store for me, and what kind of person my roommate will be. I suppose you feel the same, so let me introduce myself and allay your anxiety.
Well I'm a pretty normal guy, no major bad habits except sleeping in really late on Sunday mornings. I'm amicable and jovial, and like to make friends. Coming from multi-racial Singapore, I have friends from all kinds of races, religion and sexual orientations, so I'm sure we'll get along just fine. I'm not religious myself, so I don't have any taboo topics or food, and you don't have to worry about offending me!
I'm a rather talkative person, and I enjoy debating ideas and concepts learnt in school because it exposes me to refreshing viewpoints and I seem to remember ideas better after thrashing them out with others. I hope you don't mistake me as an overly competitive person as a result of that, it is just how I learn and I hope we will have many fruitful discussions in the coming year.
Food and lodging are usually the biggest worries that a freshman has. Well you are in luck, for I cook pretty well. Both my parents worked so I used to cook my own lunch. Over the years I have built up quite a repertoire of local delicacies and given Singapore's status as a food haven, I am sure you will enjoy my cooking!
I hope we will have a great time together and see you soon!
Please do give your kind suggestions! ((:
It's a great essay. It really makes any reader seem welcome.
Thanks for the compliment! (:
Any negative comments would be greatly appreciated as well, helps me work my essay better.
No negative comments, really.
If its a letter to a roommate, it can have some of that informal tone, so there's nothing really left to pick at.
Grammar is good. Thoughts coherent.
Oh okay thanks so much for the analysis!
"Dear Roomate!" == "Dear Roomate:"
Replacing the exclamation mark is your call, but I feel it makes you look giddy and childish; Especially since you have another sentence with an exclamation right afterward.
"I'm amicable and jovial, and like to make friends." == "I'm friendly , happy, and like to make friends."
I feel using uncommon words like amicable and jovial ruins the smoothness of the essay, so I replaced them here.
Other than that your essay is really nice, good luck with Stanford!
Hi Zhang Yi!
Great work on this essay! There is something that is so refreshingly effortless and authentic about your writing, e.g. "Well, I'm a pretty normal guy, no major bad habits except sleeping in really late on Sunday mornings."
Overall, I think you have laid the groundwork for a really compelling piece. However, while there is no formal word limitation, I think it should be longer--about 700 words or 1 page. You will need this amount of space to fully address the prompt, demonstrate your writing skills, and provide more insight into who you are.
I think you have a great skeletal structure here, but I just want to know more about you! For example:
-"Coming from multi-racial Singapore, I have friends from all kinds of races, religion and sexual orientations, so I'm sure we'll get along just fine. I'm not religious myself, so I don't have any taboo topics or food, and you don't have to worry about offending me!" Can you share more about what Singapore is really like? What are some stark differences between Singapore and the U.S.? Can you give insight into your circle of friends rather than vaguely referring to them?
-'I'm a rather talkative person, and I enjoy debating ideas and concepts learnt in school because it exposes me to refreshing viewpoints and I seem to remember ideas better after thrashing them out with others.' What are your real intellectual curiosities? Can you be more specific? Are you known as a talkative person at school and at home?
-"Food and lodging are usually the biggest worries that a freshman has. Well you are in luck, for I cook pretty well. Both my parents worked so I used to cook my own lunch. Over the years I have built up quite a repertoire of local delicacies and given Singapore's status as a food haven, I am sure you will enjoy my cooking!" Again, more detail here would be great. What do you cook? Why do you like to cook?
Ultimately, I think you just need to expand on these ideas and give your essay more specificity and color. Doing so will paint a more vivid portrait of you and give your application more of a human face. The questions above may seem trivial, but this essay is really just meant to show your writing ability, personality, and what you will contribute.
Keep up the good work!!!
Brooke
Ivy Eyes Editing
