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"no single definition of engineering" - transferring essay into Carnegie

james23 3 / 8  
Jan 6, 2011   #1
Throughout my essay, I notice that I mentioned Carnegie Mellon University too much: how to I fix that
I will feedback on: did I answer the prompt, dose it convey the ideal of the prompt, do I ned to add more details. I will also take any feedback that you might suggested that I will help.

This essay is for transferring into Carnegie Mellon in Fall 2011.

I sat down on my chair, as I immersed myself into Carnegie Mellon University website. Throughout my research, I concluded that Carnegie Mellon University has found me. Carnegie Mellon University is a very unique university and it appeals to my interest of my studies. Carnegie Mellon is ranked among the top engineering and science in the country. The class size is very small with student to faculty ratio of 10:1, will allow me to get to know the professor as a person. In Carnegie Institute of Technology there is no single definition of engineering. I will be applying in the departments of mechanical and biomedical engineering. As I sat down on my chair, I reminisced two years of my arrival to New York. I was watching CNN present about stories of soldiers in the hospital who was deeply injured, not able to walk and missing their body parts from suicide bombing. I saw the treatment that they were given and technology used was amazing, such as artificial leg. I have never seen an advance technology before. And I want to part of that I want to advance the technology more that they were using. At Carnegie Mellon University I will definitely get the up hand in research in biomedical and mechanical engineering. Professor Steven Collins research on, " recycling energy restore impaired ankle function during human walking" caught my interest when I looked into mechanical engineering website.

I strongly believe that Carnegie Mellon University is the right path for me to achieve my goals in biomedical and mechanical engineering. Minor in robotic will give me a solid foundation of robotic and twice my knowledge in robotic because I will pursue a research in mechanical engineering aspect of robotic when I am accepted. Although minor in international engineering studies is not in my plan yet, I am looking forward for possible minor in international engineering studies. As an immigrant from Edo State, Nigeria, it will be a great way for me to enhance my skills and leadership as engineering.

My goals in the future are to make technology accessible to everyone. I will also like to create an outreach engineering and science program to educate people in the developing country. I am specially looking forward to my country Nigeria, since the villages in Nigeria lack education and technology. I will also focus on other developing country as well. My automate goal is to create advance technology to help soldiers coming for war to help me them recover and rehabilitation. I don't know how, but going to Carnegie Mellon University will definitely put me in the right path.

I will be greatly honored to attend Carnegie Mellon University to continue my studies.
OP james23 3 / 8  
Jan 8, 2011   #2
I will change it soon. Does my essay answer the prompt well?
okhvan 3 / 3  
Jan 8, 2011   #3
Yes, you just have to work on making your ideas more clear and concise. Good luck!

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