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"Single-eyed giant" - WoW essay: good or bad?


achen92 1 / 12  
Jan 1, 2010   #1
Heres my common app essay, I am so behind, but I couldn't think of anything else that defines me:

A giant single-eyed ogre stands before me. His massive build towers a good twenty feet above the tip of my pointy helmet. I am shaken. The eight pieces of shiny jewel encrusted armor I wear do not seem to be able to protect me from the massive pieces of granite protruding fromthe beasts' claws. "I have to do this quest sometime," I say to myself. Gripping my shield tight and reaching for my Bloodmaw Magus-Blade, I feel rage filling up my head. With that, I charge head first into the monster's lair. I block, parry, and even manage to slash the monster a few times, but ten minutes into the fight, my team starts to falter; balls of fire and blades of ice are flying everywhere and the team has fallen into a chaotic disorder. Out of the corner of my eye, I see a teammate die under the foot of the ogre beast. "We have to run!" I hear. "No backing out now," I rallied, "We take him down now!" Blow by blow, the gargantuan brute droops, and at last, falls to the ground with a devastating crash.

In many ways, the way I live my life is similar to how I play my character in the computer game, World of Warcraft. In the game, I am a fierce warrior - one who charges into battle bravely, yet is strong and smart enough to survive there for the duration of the battle. In real life, I like to do the same. Many times, settling down and discussing strategies about taking the raid boss is vital, but beyond that, the best method to win is to charge headstrong into the fray. At the frontlines of the conflict, I like the experience of personally tackling the problems that I face. Whether it is a thirty feet tall ogre lord, or a fifteen page long research paper, directly embracing the difficulty is how I handle situations.

In my guild, I am the raid leader - the one who plans and orchestrates the high level dungeon raids. A high level raid is not an easy task to overcome. As the raid leader, I am able to manage my own character well, but at the same time, direct twenty-four other people to do their roles for the duration of a fifteen to twenty minute long fight. In the chaos, I am also able to decide instantly whether to back out or to continue the fight. Keeping my spell rotations in mind, I can still yell to the priest on the other side of the battleground to switch his healing spells and make more efficient use of his mana. Yet sometimes, when all else fails - when it is 3 AM, and I have only written ten pages of my paper and the ogre lord is only at half health while my team is half dead, I continue. It is not because I like playing ther hero. Instead, it is because I like to push myself beyond my boundaries, even if sometimes, the fight may fail, there only is one option to try again and do better. When this happens, and the challenge is overcome, I feel my sense of accomplishment.
autogunny 3 / 72  
Jan 1, 2010   #2
three am

3 AM

[b]It's an excellent essay. The Wow imagery was wonderful and realistic. Your analysis was understandable. Nice :)

Can you edit my common app essay:
OP achen92 1 / 12  
Jan 1, 2010   #3
But its only 400 words long - is that okay? And do you think I went overhead with the imagery and not enough explanation? My test and gpa are fine, but I'm just in a rut right now because I totally forgot to write a common app essay and this is one of the few things that popped in my head since I'm a wow fan.
joshbnh - / 2  
Jan 1, 2010   #4
I like the premise, it needs some editing, and maybe make the speech a bit more eloquent, eally describing the battle with the ogre, but you did a nice job, I feel like the first paragraph is missing something, some type of element to really add mystery to what's actually going on.

One thing-

The eight pieces of shiny jewel encrusted Armor? I wear don'tdoes not ( watch out for contractions!) seem to be able to protect me from the massive pieces of granite protruding from the beasts' claws.
autogunny 3 / 72  
Jan 1, 2010   #5
What schools are you applying to and when are the deadlines?
OP achen92 1 / 12  
Jan 1, 2010   #6
Tufts, Rice, UPenn and a few others (you get the point). most deadlines are all within 10 hours to 2 days.
Thanks Josh!
But are contractions a definite no-no? One other thing is my tendency to run of course with descriptions. Do you think adding to the first paragraph will overdo all the WoW stuff and not enough about me?
stars11 1 / 13  
Jan 1, 2010   #7
I enjoyed this immensely! The beginning is def. captivating and will draw the readers in :) But what exactly was the prompt? Although I'm almost positive you excelled at it ;> Also one thing just confuses me, it could be cause I'm not familiar w/ WOW but here it is:

the difference between a placing throw and a dismal runner up

I'm not sure what "placing a throw" is but besides that, it's great!
And contractions are bad, def. no-no's.
vpn - / 5  
Jan 1, 2010   #8
it's a really solid, well written essay. i honestly can't pick out anything wrong with the language. however your concern about length is legitimate, i think. i dunno - is there another connection you can draw between warcraft and your life?
skyworthy 3 / 17  
Jan 1, 2010   #9
parallels my life

? parallel to my life?

Good job.. It is quite unique.. I hope it appeals to the officers...
Envie 4 / 60  
Jan 1, 2010   #10
I personally disagree with some of the posts above. Sure, contractions are a big no-no's in formal essays but College Personal essays are exactly what the name implies: personal. It needs to have your own voice rather than the formal, strict voice. The diction, the syntax, and the whole coherency of the essay should relay the way you think and talk (not necessarily but you get the point).

Don't stress too much about contractions.

And as skyworthy said, I also hope it appeals to the Admissions officers of the top schools that you are applying to. I've read quite a few WoW essays and generally those have powerful messages about addiction while yours makes a parallel between a MMORPG with your life...

Good luck!
OP achen92 1 / 12  
Jan 1, 2010   #11
I can't believe it's due in a few hours, but I revised it: :D
xoxsueshixox 1 / 15  
Jan 1, 2010   #12
It is not because I like playing the hero.

From the revised, the WoW is a great essay, even though I don't like slashing monsters.

Perhaps you can look at mine?
OP achen92 1 / 12  
Jan 1, 2010   #13
Do you think it is personal enough? Like do I relate enough to myself from the video game? I'm just afraid theres to much gaming stuff and not enough me.
DeusEx 3 / 14  
Jan 1, 2010   #14
Yes - it's pretty unique. I like it (then again, I play w0w)
pekingduck 2 / 6  
Jan 1, 2010   #15
Your essay is fantastic! It's incredibly unique and the imagery in the first paragraph is wonderful. I love how you compare yourself to your character.
OP achen92 1 / 12  
Jan 2, 2010   #17
thanks everyone! i turned my essay in! good luck to you all
kazwall - / 1  
Jan 2, 2010   #18
that essay is going to get you into any college you want, i wouldn't be surprised if you win an award for it
OP achen92 1 / 12  
Jan 2, 2010   #19
Man... if only that were true
tsarles 1 / 3  
Jan 2, 2010   #20
Are you applying to Chicago? One of their essay prompts is about playing games o.o
OP achen92 1 / 12  
Jan 2, 2010   #21
no, i had too much on my hand to go for chicago. I still do, trying to finish my other 7 apps lol


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