Prompt: Describe the world you come from; for example, your family, clubs, school, community, city, or town. How has that world shaped your dreams and aspirations? (200-250 words)
Until about fourth grade, I dreamt of a life in the Florida Keys, working as a dolphin trainer at my favorite place in the world: The Dolphin Research Center. It was the water-lover's version of every little girl's princess dream.
However, one Tuesday afternoon - December 16, 2003 - my world suddenly seemed to turn upside down. I came home from school that day to learn that my little sister, Jennifer, had been diagnosed with diabetes, and I spent months feeling neglected by my parents who seemed to expend every ounce of energy taking care of and "spoiling" her. My dad wasn't home much that year because we were in the process of moving from Georgia to Kansas, so between his visits, my sisters and I took turns sleeping in my mom's room. I remember crying over the fact that Jenn got to sleep with my mom more just because she had given herself a shot for the first time. I didn't understand the pain she was going through, and all I could see was that she was getting more attention than I was.
I eventually adjusted to our new lifestyle though, and decided that I wanted to do something with my life that would make life easier for diabetics and hopefully prevent the siblings from feeling overlooked as I had. It is my dream as a prospective biomedical engineer that I can turn my family's pain into a career of preventing others from feeling the pain as harshly.
Any suggestions appreciated! Please feel free to be harsh, thanks!
First off, I think that this is a great essay, much better than the one I wrote on the prompt. My suggestion would be that you could cut off some of the last sentences in the middle paragraph, and expand on the last paragraph. By the first few sentences you had perfectly described what you were going through, and I think eliminating a few sentences would take anything away and it would leave you room to expand on how you adjusted or how you would prevent others from feeling that pain.
You should probably expand more in this vein - for this is what has influenced you to become a biomedical engineer. you altruistic tendencies should be portrayed with more clarity and weight.
But, you write wonderfully and this was a pleasure to read.
Please, help me with mine too. :))