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Me Vs My sister; Stanford Supp/ Intellectual vitality


briannalawson3 2 / 4  
Dec 20, 2012   #1
Me Vs My sister; Stanford Supp/ Intellectual vitality

I know I already posted the first essay but here it is revised. also I'm not a very good writer so please help!

Stanford students possess an intellectual vitality. Reflect on an idea or experience that has been important to your intellectual development.

I grew up having a smart older sister, Leisha. I was always compared to her and seemed to always fall behind, leaving me feeling like a disappointment to my family. In middle school, she brought home impressive report cards with consecutive As while I brought home faulty Bs. While she was gifted, I never was. It seemed I always failed to be as smart as her.

Eighth grade, after being chosen for my middle school's student of the year, I finally felt I had done something better than my sister. I came home from school one day that year, and while planning classes for high school with my father, I brought up the idea to possibly take Geometry and Algebra II simultaneously as a sophomore. His response to me was, "You're not smart enough for that, or good at math." Little did we know at the time, that not only would I take these classes, but I would succeed in these and many more math classes. Never being as good as my sister and this comment gave me motivation to work extra hard to do my best, prove that I was smarter than Leisha, and that my parents were wrong.

Taking Algebra II and Geometry concurrently helped me realize my potential in math, so I had decided to apply to the Louisiana School for Math, Science, and the Arts (LSMSA). Once I took my placement tests at LSMSA, I was told I scored high enough to take trigonometry and pre-calculus simultaneously as a junior. I took these classes and have continued my math education by taking a calculus sequence up to Calculus III, a statistics class, as well as classes such as Chaos Theory, Topology, Linear Algebra, and Differential Equations. Had I given up in eighth grade and accepted that I was not good enough, I would not be where I am today, knowing my strengths and passion for math.

here's the second essay:

What matters to you, and why?

T'was the night before Christmas, and my family and I were enjoying time together. We were getting prepared for the annual Christmas Eve church service, finishing preparing the dishes to be eaten Christmas day. Us kids are helping our dad make the family-tradition, generation passed barbeque for dinner and preparing tea rings for breakfast Christmas morning. After church, we drive through town, playing Christmas music and looking in awe at the lights. Once we return home, we gather round the fire, read "The Littlest Angel" by Charles Tazewell, followed by watching the classic movies "White Christmas" and "Miracle on 34th Street" before going to bed waiting for Santa's arrival.

Christmas is a very important time of year to me, not only with my beliefs but with my family. There is joy in the air and quality time is being spent with the family. The traditions which have been passed through generations in my family are very important to me. While living away from home the past two years and being at boarding school, these traditions have become even more important to me. My life is hectic and busy with schoolwork, friends, and the normal teenager life, however I enjoy the continuity of these traditions and something I can count on never changing as the years change. My family's traditions provide a special, happy memory we can always count on, is a way to remember the people of the family, and bring us closer together, which I hope to one day pass down.

Thanks!

mzontario 9 / 43  
Dec 20, 2012   #2
I was always compared to her and seemed to always fall behind, leaving me feeling like a disappointment to my family. In middle school, she brought home impressive report cards with consecutive As while I brought home Bs. While she was gifted, I never was. I could never seem to be as smart as him.

I feel as though your essay is more trying to beat from your sister rather than learning from the competition. Maybe write it so that it is more focused on you being motivated by your sister's success.

Please take a look at mine? : )
nairbear68 6 / 29 6  
Dec 20, 2012   #3
way to negative! like the poster above said, be more upbeat about what you learned, not how behind you were.
try not to use the word never so much, the adcom will only feel your negativity
also stop comparing yourself to leisha near the end, only focus on how you've grown bc otherwise this sounds like an "i'm better than her now" essay

if you could take a look at my h.g. wells essay and tell me some places to cut down on , that'd be much appreciated!
Jennyflower81 - / 690 96  
Dec 20, 2012   #4
I think that you need to stay consistent in your past "tense" I can give you some suggestions.

We were getting prepared for the annual Christmas Eve church service, finishing preparing the dishes to be eaten Christmas day.
You may want to say it like this: "While anticipating our annual Christmas Eve church service, we finished preparing food for Christmas day."

Us kids are helping our dad make the family-tradition, generation passed barbecue for dinner and preparing tea rings for breakfast Christmas morning.
You could also say it like this: "My siblings and I were helping Dad with a family tradition, a barbecue dinner. We prepared tea rings for breakfast on Christmas morning."

After church, we would drive through town...

Once we returned home, we would gather around the fire..


Christmas is a very important time of year to me, not only with my beliefs but with my family.
Can you be more specific about your beliefs? do you mean religious beliefs?
OP briannalawson3 2 / 4  
Dec 20, 2012   #5
Can you be more specific about your beliefs? do you mean religious beliefs?

I mean my religious and Christian beliefs. and Thanks
mannam 4 / 11  
Dec 29, 2012   #6
I like it, but the Rex from Toy Story seems a big cliche :P
I think you need a stronger conclusion but otherwise I think it's a well-written essay :D
Good Luck!
garmeth06 3 / 9 2  
Dec 29, 2012   #7
How did you go from precalculus as a Junior to somehow fitting in Calc I- III, Chaos Theory , Topology, Linear Algebra, and differential equations in the first semester of senior year AND a statistics class? Also, isn't trig and pre cal as a junior not that uncommon?

Sorry, I'm a bit skeptical.


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