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As I sit at dawn, the rising sun hovers over the awoken daisy: Personal Statment 2011


tiffateyou 1 / 1  
Oct 24, 2010   #1
Hey guys! I'm stressing out so bad right now from all the college apps and what not... I really need help on revising the first prompt. Please and thanks :]

Prompt #1 (freshman applicants)- Describe the world you come from - for example, your family your community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

As I sit at dawn, the rising sun hovers over the awoken daisy. As minutes pass, the shadow casted upon the gradually dissipates, the sun is now shining down on the blue daisy at a sharp angle. Holding my bulky Canon Rebel XSi, I capture the contrast of the vibrant beauty of the bright blue petal with the bleakness of the deep navy shade of the petals in the shade. I have always loved to compose and frame the beauty of flowers. To me, flowers represent the beauty and logic of nature and science. To me, flowers help me understand nature better.

My mother and father immigrated to the United States from Shanghai, China in their later years in life. Like many parents, mine wanted my brother and me to succeed and pursue our interests and goals. They would give up all their dreams for us to have a good future. In order for us to be granted these opportunities, my mother, hardworking and persistent, decided to take a full time job to work for the U.S. Postal Service, while my dad worked at various hotels as a banquets waiter. My parents proceeded to carry the heavy burdens of workload that had inconspicuously implanted within their shoulders. My mother was able to stand firmly to hold her ground until February of 2004. She became ill and was eventually diagnosed with thyroid cancer After weeks of extensive amounts of aggressive chemotherapy and radiation treatments, her body began to deteriorate drastically. I had to mature almost overnight and to take care of my younger brother. For days, my mother laid in bed writhing in pain. She could not speak to us nor get out of bed. As days ended with piteous crying, I knew I could not do anything to ease or relieve the pain my mother has suffered through. This made me wonder, why? Why I swore that if I could ever become a doctor, I would never let anybody suffer like that.

I want to be a doctor, a doctor that has the understanding of nature of a scientist, the knowledge of a philosopher, and the insight of a photographer. Photographing daisies and other flowers or plants has deepened my gratitude for nature. A daisy may look like a simple flower, but in reality it is a composite of several different parts joining to form the flower. Each aspect and crevice of the flower represents a higher truth in nature, the truths that are revealed in the study of science. A good doctor will know that differences in nature are natural. An imperfection is part of nature, and therefore, is beautiful. The logic of science is beautiful to me. Each element connects with another concept or theory in a different field. Science is a channel through which I understand and conceive reality.
donrocks 5 / 120  
Oct 27, 2010   #2
There is certainly a lot of work that is required to make this better.
1) The opening is lame. Its neither eye catching nor gives a description about you. Frankly, I don't want to know whether you love flowers unless there is a strong point attached to it. A strong point means means maybe a humor punch line which makes the reader smile or is related to you in way more than just... liking for flowers.

2) Your parents para is very lame, once again as no distinctive quality about your parents is written. Once again, all parents want good future for their children (not many... all).... the point is its a senseless statement.

What is your father like?
How has he inspired you?
How has your mother shaped your world? Your link them is important because this is an admission essay about you not them.

3) Your major and photographer and all that is not linked at all. That sounds like a child fantasy and not like a mature person ready to go college.

Talk about some summer camps.... How that has shaped your personality?
Talk about your culture and how you are different....remember this is tricky part. Okay, so be subtle about how you can be a asset and don't BOAST. The college admission does not want information about your culture (for that they can go to wiki)... so talk like informally... about what appeals to you about it... think about it!

Talk about WHY THIS PARTICULAR COLLEGE is an ideal choice for you. Go to their site and review some researches in your desired field of major and link it up... how you wish to be part of it and all that.... it shows you took pains to read their site and are passionate about their college.

Rework this and post it so we will work on it more.... Don't be stressed because if you have selected balanced colleges that is colleges within your reach... you will get in. Okay. I got in 3 days ago in Colorado Boulder within quite average marks but a cool essay . Bring out your personality and prepare a strong essay... all will become well. Hope this helps... :)
OP tiffateyou 1 / 1  
Nov 9, 2010   #3
Revised Version

Prompt 1- Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

On a cold crisp night on January 2004, I walked through the door with a feeling of emptiness, as if something was wrong. I was right. My mother was lying in bed, writhing in pain. The pulse within her nerves beating meticulously at an incredible rate. She was outraged, confused and unable to explain to me what was wrong.

Like many parents, mine wanted my brother and me to succeed and pursue our interests and goals. In order for us to be granted these opportunities, my mother took a full time job to work for the U.S. Postal Service. She proceeded to carry the heavy burdens of workload inconspicuously implanted on her shoulders until January of 2004. She became ill and was diagnosed with lung cancer. After weeks of extensive amounts of aggressive chemotherapy and radiation treatments, her body began to deteriorate drastically. Days ended with piteous crying, I knew I could not do anything to ease or relieve the pain my mother has suffered through. All I could do was analyze the severity and cause of her case. I eventually spent countless hours researching various cancers, genetic disorders and the source of these unfortunate diseases, fascinated by the workings of life. Through out high school, this curiosity in the field of sciences only grew.

Furthering my insight, I relished the chance of taking Advanced Placement Biology which taught me the depths of cellular reactions, molecular biology, and ecology. I also took Principles of Biotechnology and Briefings in Biotechnology which allowed me to gain hands on experience, on how to sex fruit flies, separate and lyse our own DNA, micropipette, and denature proteins. Although these were basic experiments, they continuously lured my curiosity of wanting to learn more.

S.M.A.R.T (Students Modeling A Research Topic) team was another hand that fed my scientific desires. I was able to learn how to use a 3-D printing technology called Rasmol and participated with UCSF to research a protein called P-glycoprotein. I gained insight on why medications did not work against cancer due to this protein. I visited labs and learned about the work that is being done and designed and built a physical model of a P-glycoprotein. A novice like me was introduced to a professional community of the social scientists. My group and I traveled to Anaheim to present our poster and model at a convention. Gaining innumerable knowledge through this program has made me appreciate science even more. As this program was not enough, I attended a program with graduate students from UC Berkley and UCSF, in which collected and analyzed field laboratory data and built sophisticated machines that detected pollutants and radon gas, which is the root of lung cancer.

People still suffer from diseases all over the world, even though the world has more than enough technology and resources to alleviate much of this suffering. Having my mother lying in bed in excruciating pain determined my interest. I dream of working directly with the poor through such international agencies as the World Health Organization or Doctors without Borders to help people live in comfort. I would never let anybody suffer the same as what my mother had gone through.


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