For six generations, my family has lived in a rural black hole known as New Iberia; Texas A&M

I'm currently a Freshman at LSU and I've recently decided to transfer. Ireally want to transfer to Texas A&M this spring, and the application deadline is coming soon. Please critique the essay I've written.

Here it is:
On a gloomy April evening in South Louisiana I lounged on my tiny, toddler recliner. I studied the rain drops parading from the sky. I watched as they flooded the cane fields surrounding my house. I could hear nothing but the water droplets beating against my roof, as all of my family members were napping in the dreary weather--a common habit of people in my area. I wanted so badly to go outside and explore. I craved change and adventure, an almost foreign concept in my town.

For six generations, my family has lived in a rural black hole known as New Iberia. The food, music, tradition, and "southern hospitality" of Acadiana attract people from all around the world, and, like entering a black hole, they are incapable of leaving. As I matured in age, I slowly began to understand how disconnected I was from everyone around me. Most people in south Louisiana are content living uneventful, mediocre lives. Success is defined by getting married and working at a stable company. I refused to be satisfied with living in this dreamless fashion, one which could not accommodate my insatiable desire for learning and growth. It was not until my sophomore year in high school that I realized how feasible change could be for me.

On my first day of tenth grade, I entered Mr. Delcambre's English class unaware of what to expect. I was immediately intimidated, yet intrigued, by his knowledge. Mr. Delcambre immensely enjoyed challenging his students. I was constantly pushed in his class intellectually, physically, and emotionally. I began to realize that success occurs when hard work meets opportunity. I started thinking about my vocational path and how vital it was that I begin living and working to achieve those goals. My career search came to an abrupt halt when my grandmother died the summer after my sophomore year. Once the initial shock of her death wore off, I began recalling every single event that led up to her death. What I discovered was shocking, life-changing.

My grandmother's doctor erroneously prescribed her Fentanyl--a narcotic intended for patients with terminal illnesses --for her back-aches. This medication was too strong for my grandmother, which caused her unfortunate demise. Feelings of confusion ensued and I began to ponder the idea of allowing someone's life to slip through my fingers with the stroke of a pen. From the moment I discovered his error, I knew that I desired to ensure that such a mistake would not happen as far as I has influence-I knew I wanted to be a doctor and one who practiced knowing the results of neglect. My natural curiosity combined with this newfound determination made me view education as an opportunity, not as an obligation.

I took the educational opportunity set before me, not looking back but moving forward. I was no longer concerned about escaping this life but embarking on my purpose. I began pursuing every passing interest (e.g., Passover, lucid dreaming, artificial insemination, etc.) in research. Upon Mr. Delcambre's recommendation, I began reading The Great Books of the Western World and quickly became interested in philosophy. At this point, my education outside of the classroom was beginning to surpass my in-school learning.

Before my grandmother's death, I had little determination to identify a means to achieve my long-term goals. Fortunately, opportunity does come in misshapen packages. Her doctor's error allowed me to discover my desire to help others using my compassion and experience gained through my personal hardship. I now have the ambition to push myself to succeed in college and to embrace my future endeavors with confidence. I will credit my successes to those who have helped me further my education, because, without them, I may never have realized my potential.

It would really help us figure out where the essay should be directed towards if you provided us with the statement prompt. It is difficult to advise you regarding the content and theme of your essay without knowing that. Personally, I also prefer to correct any grammar and sentence structure issues after the them of the essay has been perfected. So it would be great if you could upload that information as soon as possible. In the meantime, I will try to create a general review of the essay for you and make comments where I think it is possible to do so without affecting the original prompt.


- If you were still a toddler when this happened then you should not have any memory of what was going on. Also, I believe that this is a weak introduction to any topic because the paragraph does not really provide an insight into anything that the adult you took an interest in that led to the point in life where you are now. An effective introduction will immediately state the purpose of and reason for your application. Building upon those in the succeeding paragraphs.


- What was propelling this sense in you? What were your dreams and aspirations that were being held back by where you lived and your station in life?


- This is only relevant to incoming freshman applications. You are a transferring student. Go directly to the story of your grandmother and how hope to continue your medical education at this new university.

If this is supposed to be a transfer essay, you did not write it properly. You need to state reasons for your decision to switch schools. Explain how you feel the new university will help you better achieve your dream of becoming a doctor and how you hope to achieve that through their tutelage.Right now, I know a lot about you and your grandmother but nothing about your desire to transfer to another university. The reasons for that remain unclear.Clarify those points and your essay will be better off for it. I will present more comments after I read the prompt.

Thank you so much! Here is the prompt:

The statement of purpose will provide an opportunity to explain any extenuating circumstances that you feel could add value to your application. You may also want to explain unique aspects of your academic background or valued experiences you may have had that relate to your academic discipline. The statement of purpose is not meant to be a listing of accomplishments in high school or a record of your participation in school-related activities. Rather, this is your opportunity to address the admissions committee directly and to let us know more about you as an individual, in a manner that your transcripts and other application information cannot convey.