Hi there :)
I am new to this forum, I really wish I had discovered it sooner! I was wondering if a couple of you could look over my short essays for the Stanford application? I would greatly appreciate it. My parents are not native english speakers and I feel like I am starting to overwhelm the two other adults who have been kind enough to help me... haha.
Thanks!
1. Stanford students are widely known to possess a sense of intellectual vitality. Tell us about an idea or an experience you have had that you find intellectually engaging.
I know my answer for this one is a bit unconventional...
When the dark blanket folds over the sky we all succumb to the same pleasure, to the same weakness, and to the same transition into what is to come. Whether the day was spent ruling a country or lazily channel surfing from nine until five most people find that at the day's end they give into sleep- the escape that makes us all equal. It is in sleep that we are all brought back to being simply human and to being who we are. In sleep we are merely a man or woman vulnerable in this practice of resting and waiting for the next day to come.
Sleep also helps to expose what human beings truly are. During the day, in the light, a man may be viewed as the corrupt leader incapable of creating any good. The child on the street may be seen as the innocent girl still oblivious of what pains life can bring. Despite their overwhelming differences, as the night comes and the two lie down to sleep they suddenly become equals for in sleep it is not corruption nor innocence that rule what is to come but rather the shy subconscious that we so easily push aside. In sleep and in rest the subconscious can come forth and remind the corrupt leader of his childish desire to ride the largest horse on the carousel or of his embarrassing fear of spiders. On the other hand the child may be reminded of a dark desire that will haunt her in the morning and become a minor part of her. Both become subject to basic human personality, to the basic idea that somewhere in each man there is good and evil, youth and age.
Both the subconscious and the simple act of sleep equalize human beings. In sleep one is not a leader nor a child but merely a person resting in their respective bed. Sleep brings forth breathing, resting, and being- the most basic functions that remind us we are all simply human.
2. Virtually all of Stanford's undergraduates live on campus. What would you want your future roommate to know about you? Tell us something about you that will help your future roommate -- and us -- know you better.
Hello to my future roommate. I know getting to know the person you are about to live with is difficult and first impressions can so easily go wrong. Most people are defined by what they have done- not the stressful attitude they develop while unpacking into a very unfamiliar room. Fortunately for you and me, today is our friendship's lucky day. I have sent in the mail a time machine that will hopefully allow you to get to know me a bit better.
As you set back the dial to any date between September 23, 1992 and today I want you to keep in mind that this machine will take you everywhere and anywhere. You'll see the day I earned my first horse- the day that cemented me as a lifetime lover of equestrian sports. You'll visit the time I got a whole restaurant to sing along to the Beatles' "Hey Jude" and will realize you are about to meet someone who, despite her cynical exterior, enjoys the company of people at heart. If you choose wisely you may even meet the person who inspired me to start making stop motion films and perhaps you'll be excited to live with someone who can show you something a bit unique and new. These are the days that will make you want to know me, but this is not where the journey ends.
When turning the dial you may make some mistakes. You may land on the day when I was eight years old and stole a lollipop from a store. You might witness a tantrum or two and quickly learn what my bad habits are. However, I promise that these are simply the things that make me human. While living with me you will see these ups and downs, but I can assure you that regardless of how bright or bad the day is, I will still try to smile when you walk in the room. So take a chance and set that dial to the future- who knows, we could become the best of friends.
but I can assure you that regardless of how bright or bad the day is,
I am not sure of these types of phrases... but isn't this one of those cliches that has been used or mentioned in prompts? I mean, even I tend to use these but I try my best to shy away from them. On the other hand, I like how in a brief simple block of words, I learned a lot about you. Try to be more cohesive in actually going towards only a fact or two about you with supporting details such as what you have written.
As for your first response, I think it has been too creative. I appreciate and admire the creativeness but I doubt that's what the prompt is asking you to do. Show more of yourself. And how your intelligence is seen as you progress yourself. Try to be more specific and less on the creative side... :/ (I am not sure if what I am saying makes sense)
Hope that helps!
I would appreciate if you could edit any of mine. :)
Thank you. I certainly see what you mean where it might be too creative. I knew it was a bit on the unconventional side, however part of me likes it that way. Also, I just went and edited one of yours :)
Any other opinions?
1. I can see where you're going with on this answer, but it's a rather far stretch relating it back to your experiences with sleep. I'm supposing the girl you're talking about is you. But you never really say that directly. I have to assume and so will the readers of this essay. Try to make it more personal and I think it'll turn out grand. :]
2. I would've never thought of a time machine. Nice thinking with that!
There's not much on the grammatical side I can correct. Although the end of your second paragraph:
"These are the days that will make you want to know me, but this is not where the journey ends. "
Sounds slightly off put together. May suggest you split the two into two sentences then use however in place of "but"?
Hope I helped! Good luck!
