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'the slides of Chinese government' - Importance of Diversity Common App Essay


kaioulunar 2 / 10  
Nov 16, 2011   #1
A range of academic interests, personal perspectives, and life experiences adds much to the educational mix. Given your personal background, describe an experience that illustrates what you would bring to the diversity in a college community, or an encounter that demonstrated the importance of diversity to you. 500 word limit. I'm at 492 :Q

As I sat in my global awareness class and watched the slides of Chinese government flit across the screen, I could hear my classmates snickering behind me. They whispered racial slurs and made stereotypical noises. In my mind I wondered how I could grow up in the same community, under the same circumstances, but view the situation so differently. I knew that Chinese people were no different from Americans. We all felt the same emotions and had the same needs. A difference in geographical location did not mean a difference in species. It was around this time that I realized how much my travels have effected me.

Despite my family's low income, we always saved up to go on at least on vacation a year. One year it was Canada, the next a French trip to New york, then a student ambassador trip to China and finally a National American Chemical Society convention in Denver, Colorado. Coming from a small town where many family's have stayed for generations, everyone was excited to hear about my travels. Of course I did tell them all the great things I saw and experienced, but one of the most important things I stressed were the lessons I learned.

Since many people had never left nor moved to my town, I realized they had no way of knowing many of their stereotypes were so inaccurate. But, why, in America, the so called "melting pot" were people so ignorant of other cultures? Comparing my fellow students to other students I had met across the country who had experienced and understood other cultures and also to their adult counterparts, I saw the significane of experiencing diversity. Without realizing that there were other options, other ideas and ways of life, you were doomed to repeat the same stories, generation after generation. Too often have I seen this happen.

Without experincing other cultures, not only those from abroad, but even from nearby states, I have seen the people in my community locked into their way of life. Growing up unaware of this knowledge, I have seen them become stereotypical, flustered when faced with issues that require diverse thinking and sometimes outright rude towards any mention of another way of life. Seeing how such ignorance can hinder a person, I am eternally grateful for my opportunities to travel. Without them, I would still think all Canadians always say "Eh", would never be able to imagine what a colorful city New york is, wouldn't be able to explain to you how similar someone on the other side of the world could be or tell you how professional one must be at a National Chemical Society Convention.

Any, and all criticisms welcomed. Thanks~<3

crown2728 1 / 4  
Nov 16, 2011   #2
I love this essay! Out of all the essays I've read today, this one is most clearly organized.
However, there a a few grammatical errors and some sentences should be rephrased, combined, or separated.
I think that some of the sentences are too long; therefore, they can be confusing.

Is this punctuation correct? But, why, in America,

Sadly I am no grammatical expert.
Good luck :)
kingkung 3 / 6  
Nov 16, 2011   #3
This is a really good essay. I liked how you tied in your story/intro into your whole essay. Overall, the idea is good, but you can probably edit some of the wording a little bit.

It was around this time that I realized how much my travels had affected me

But why in America, the so called "melting pot", were people so ignorant of other cultures?

By comparing my classmates to other students I had met across the country who also had experienced and understood different cultures and also to their adult counterparts , I saw the significane of experiencing diversity.

Too often have I seen this happen. <--I liked this sentence, but I think that it is just awkwardly put. I think that you should tie it into the sentence before this one.

Unaware of this , I have seen them become stereotypical, flustered when faced with issues that require diverse thinking and sometimes outright rude towards any mention of another way of life.

Can you also help me with my essays? Thanks
ftt608 4 / 11  
Nov 17, 2011   #4
kaioulunar

Shouldn't it be" Despite my family's low income, we always saved up to go on at least one vacation a year."?

And about the French trip to New York, I don't quite understand it so i feel it's a bit confusing. What does "french trip" mean? Pardon me if it is too trivial.


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