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SLU: Most Influential person- The Fabled Mrs. Bilinski

mstickel 5 / 21  
Dec 27, 2009   #1
The Prompt:

Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you, and describe that influence.

My Essay:

Throughout high school I have met many different people. Some people I regret meeting. Some people I am glad to have met, but they don't have much significance in my life. Then there are a select few individuals that I am truly grateful to have met. Among all of these people, however, there is only one person that I can say truly influenced my life in a very big way. It wasn't a friend, not of the usual sort any ways, but a teacher. My math teacher, Mrs. Bilinski is the most influential person of my high school career.

...and it is something I still regret to this day. Walking into the same class the next year was very embarrassing and it led to some very peculiar looks on the faces of my peers, but who did I have to blame other than myself? I had gotten a 5 on the AP exam for this very class last year, and yet I was retaking it. AP Calculus AB had been easy for me, and that's why I took the BC exam in May, the same year I failed, and scored a 4.

And with my well known test scores, I walked into class, greeted happily by my friends, until they realized that I was in the same class as they were asking me, "Stickel! What are you doing in this class?" I would hang my head low and inform everyone that I had failed the second semester and was retaking the class to improve my GPA; when they asked me what my GPA was, my answer was just as dismal. All this came as a great surprise to my friends, as I did not exactly let everyone know that I rarely did my homework, and that I my disorganized state caused me to lose assignments, including those which I had already completed. And now that I was in AP Calculus again, my cover was blown, and everyone knew my secret.

I would go on to do well in AP Calculus AB my junior year, concurrently pursuing an independent study of multivariable calculus, learning multivariable calculus and so much more under the guidance of my favorite teacher, Mrs. Bilinski. That March, I took the ACT, and was dissatisfied with my performance, and so decided to retake the test in April. Soon after the April test date, I received my March scores to find that I had gotten a 32, and I was ecstatic because I knew I had done vastly better on the April exam. When the April scores came in, I found that I had received a 34, the highest of anyone in my class.

CHAPTER XII: Senior Year

My senior year started out the same as it had every other year, only with harder classes and even higher expectations. The highest of these expectations from my peers and my family was the school that I was going to attend next fall. I had a handful of schools that I wanted to attend, and then there were the schools that everyone else thought I was going to attend. However, with my GPA hovering around a 3.0, there were many schools that were now out of the question, but I finally decided upon the schools I was going to apply to.

I started by filling out all the applications, filling out the application to my number one school, RPI, first and then filling out the rest. Upon completion of the applications, I began on my essays, which would prove to be months of struggling to write essays that would in some way justify my failures, and convince the schools to give me a chance. I was asking a lot from them; I was asking them to accept me, a student with unlimited potential and desire to learn, but had not proved his intelligence where it mattered most- the grades. I proved myself on my AP exams, scoring all 5's and a 4. I tried many different approaches to every essay, and finally I found the best approach. The essay was open-ended, and so I discovered a prompt that I believed could turn the tables, an autobiography. I wrote the essay and was very satisfied with the results. I put the final touches on my applications and sent them in.

I waited with anticipation for nearly two months for my admission decisions to come in. Then, one day, I happened to check the mail on the kitchen counter, and there it was. The seal of Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute stared back at me. Hands trembling, I slowly opened the letter. Never in my life was the word "congratulations" so meaningful! My chance had finally come to prove to the world that I could be someone- someone who is organized and meets deadlines. From my mistakes I have learned and I will continue to learn to be the person that I know I should be, and that person has dreams, passions, ideas, and big plans. My plans to change the world, encompassing the new me, will be...

Could anyone offer me some ideas for revision? I plan on rewriting my intro; I know it is weak, so if you have any ideas for that, that would be helpful as well, and as always, I would love to review some of your essays as well:)
OP mstickel 5 / 21  
Dec 27, 2009   #2
Any suggestions for this essay? I would really like to submit this essay today.
poisonivy 14 / 102  
Dec 27, 2009   #3
If I am not mistaken, I have already commented once on this essay and I see no big changes. Anyway, my idea is that this essay needs to be more essay-like and not simply describing some phases... I dont understand the part of the football coach? Unless you make a useful tie to your idea, you can cut it off. Don't give much details about your classes, your course load etc, detail your feelings and emotions.

and she laughed t me and said "Isn't it a little late to be asking?"
Here you have a "t", so i guess you should improve it before submitting.
good luck, please help me with my posts if you can :)
OP mstickel 5 / 21  
Dec 27, 2009   #4
I apologize for the few revisions. My previous post was deleted. Thank you for your help.

And I think I'm going to totally rewrite this essay. The story just isn't producing the effect that I want it to, and its not saying anything special about me.
OP mstickel 5 / 21  
Dec 27, 2009   #5
...and btw...this essay is for Rensselaer Polytechnic Institute, in case you didnt pick that up from the essay.
OP mstickel 5 / 21  
Dec 27, 2009   #6
This is an autobiography essay. My thread was moved. Please help!
Alibaba 1 / 5  
Dec 28, 2009   #7
hey i think the whole autobiographical thing is creative but is this your common app essay or just essay for RPI? and did you get accepted already or are you trying to foreshadow that you will. and in my opinion i don't think that you focus on the influence and answer the prompt that well. is your second large post a revision of ur original essay or is it an addition becuz i think that it will be too large. i only read your second post with the chapters and u dont really say much except that you think the colleges should give u another chance because you messed up early in high school. i dont think that you should spend ur personal essay outlining why you should or should not get accepted but put that in the additional info or something. but I could be wrong as I dont quite understand what you are writing for.
OP mstickel 5 / 21  
Dec 28, 2009   #8
That's a good point. I'll figure that out, and it was a total rewrite. It is the Common App essay, but it will only be going to RPI. Thanks for your input.

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