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small campus + Harry Potter + a curious person/dance/music - Occidental


glam_tap_chick2 2 / 3  
Jan 9, 2011   #1
2. There are thousands of colleges and universities. Why are you applying to Occidental? What distinguishes it from your other choices?

2. An important aspect of Occidental that appeals to me is its small campus environment. I feel that with this type of atmosphere will help me receive the attention I need to excel in my education. Since Oxy is a small school, I like the sense of community that comes along with it. I want to build relationships not only with my classmates but also with my professors, because I don't want to be a passing face or the girl in the third row. I feel that attending a small liberal school will teach me skills that will help me in my career. Another aspect that lures me to Occidental is its location. It is in southern California, and that means diversity which is something that is very important to me. I like meeting people who come from different cultures and places because I get the opportunity to learn something new. I also like that Oxy is near Los Angeles, my home, without being caught in the hustle and bustle of the city. (938/2000 characters)

3. Choose a book you have read in the last year that most affected you and clarify its effect.

3. In the last year, the Harry Potter franchise has been slowly winding down. Being a fan since childhood, I am both excited and upset by this. I decided to reread the last book in the series, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, again. I remember as a child, I always thought the books were amazing simply because of the magic that the books entailed. When I reread the book, I was able to see things from a different perspective. The bravery and courage that the characters possess is truly inspiring. They leave behind everything, their families and their personal safety to fight evil for the good of the wizard world. This made me reflect on people, like policemen and firemen, who do this every day. In my English class, we learned how to look at the true meaning of stories and poetry. Knowing this, I thought long and hard about the purpose of the books. Then I stumbled upon a quote by Andrew Futral, a musician, who compared Harry Potter and the popular series, Twilight. I agreed with his view on the comparison of the books. "Harry Potter is all about confronting fears, finding inner strength, and doing what is right in the face of adversity. Twilight is about how important it is to have a boyfriend." I may not be trying to save the world from evil forces, but what I have learned from Harry Potter is that if you believe in yourself, you will fulfill your destiny and accomplish great things. (1409/1500 characters)

4. While we realize your interests may change in college, what are your current academic or intellectual curiosities?

4. I have always been a curious person. I always like to learn about different new things. I have realized that when I learn something new, I tend to obsess about it. I obsess about different places in the world and their distinct cultures. Some of the places I have been interested in include England, Canada, India, and Italy to name a few. I read about the places, the way people live, its music, and I am always fascinated by the fact that there is another way of life that is completely different from mine. Also, since I was little girl, my parents made me take a variety of dance classes. I did tap, ballet, hip-hop and jazz. These are considered the basic forms of dance in the US, but I went further. I was always very eager to learn different forms of dance. Thanks to me persistence, I also took belly dancing, Korean fan dancing, folklorico, and some Irish dancing. Learning the traditional dances of other countries was an amazing way to learn about different cultures. Another thing that intrigues me is people and their minds. Why do people act the way they do? This question has always perplexed me. I think about why people respond to situations differently. I try to imagine what goes on through people's heads when they make an important decision. This is the main reason I am interested in psychology. I want to know what makes people tick. (1361/2000 characters)
eringurl281 - / 2  
Jan 10, 2011   #2
Overall, I like your writing style! Just be careful to answer the prompt and not get sidetracked.
#2
"diversity which is something that is very important to me."
I don't like this wording, how about something like diversity, an important aspect in my life.
I would also add a conclusion sentence! (:

#3
I'm not sure I like the idea of writing about Harry Potter, because it doesn't show that you are well-read or interested in serious literature. BUT, I did like your approach if you decide to keep the topic.

"I am both excited and upset by this."
Why are you excited that the Harry Potter Franchise is winding down? I was only upset.
"When I reread the book, I was able to see things from a different perspective."
I saw things from a different perspective.
"In my English class, we learned how to look at the true meaning of stories and poetry."
maybe add through archetypes, stylistic devices, and metaphors.
The ending is a little bit cheesy, but I think it would be fine if you added a little bit more about the book's specific impact on your life. Try not to be so generic or vague, so it sounds personal, not like another student writing about Harry Potter because it is AWESOME. You have about 100 more words, enough to add a few sentences so the focus is on you! (:

#4
I'm not quite sure this is what they are looking for. If you are interested in studying psychology, I would mention that at the beginning that way you can incorporate that into your other interests, like culture and dance. Right now it doesn't flow that well and sounds kind of random! Try adding some transition sentences to ease the reader into new topics.

But I loved your first sentence! Creative.
"I tend to obsess about it. I obsess about different places"
I don't like the word obsess, it has a negative connotation.
Maybe.. When I learn something new, it consumes me. Or something else..
"my parents made me take a variety of dance classes"
That sounds negative also, how about just I took a variety of dance classes

Overall, you have great writing! With a few revisions, these could turn into excellent papers. My advice is just to put the focus on you, that is what they are curious about.

:D :D
OP glam_tap_chick2 2 / 3  
Jan 10, 2011   #3
thank you soo much! I have already fixed #2 and #4.

Reflective writing is hard for me. I am more of a creative writer.

I decided not to write about Harry Potter. You're right it might seem childish.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Feb 7, 2011   #4
That first answer you gave shows that you write well, but you really missed an opportunity. You could be talking about your plan... the careers that interest you, and how you hope to design your education so that you can really accomplish what you want in this life. Do not talk about size and location. Talk about classes, texts, professors, programs, and student organizations...

You continue to miss opportunities throughout, about what you read and what you are curious about... I really think you make it more competitive if you get focused on a field of expertise. You can change your mind later, but for now choose a subject of interest, and attack it! What will be your specialization?

:-)


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