Hey, thank you to everyone who will help me critique this. This is my first draft so corrections and tips are greatly appreciated! This is for the common app, topic #6 (topic of your choice).
The bustling of the streamlined security line, the smell of the airplane cabin, the excitement that brims over my heart, and the exhilaration of experiencing new cultures. This may all seem to be a stereotypical trip to somewhere more exciting than where I live but traveling to me is different. Instead of getting caught up in the usual tourist traps and glitzy gift shops that follow; I like to cherish the minute pieces of culture that I encounter and incorporate it into my own life.
The tapestry of culture in the world is majestic; it consists of many bits of fabric that make up the world. Holding together those fabrics are the small stitches that bind everything together. In my perspective, different cultures are those important stitches. For me, a certain stitch impacted me the most, the Japanese culture of gift-giving and small gestures.
This past summer, I had the opportunity to go abroad to Japan for a month. I was able to interact, learn, and build new friendships with a whole new race of people. Above all, I wanted to experience the small, underappreciated aspects of Japanese culture. Of course I cherished the hospitality of my host parents and admired the warm generosity of friendly strangers that pointed me in the right direction when I was lost. Yet apart from these experiences, I learned that gift- giving in Japan is small but very traditional practice. It allows foreigners to connect with my without any words. I learned this first-hand from my host parents.
As token of my gratitude for their generosity, I gave my host parents souvenirs from Vermont, my hometown. From the colorful glossy pictures to a little bottle of maple syrup, my host parents were ecstatic at these gifts. Yet in their perspective, it wasn't the value of the gift that was important but was the action of giving itself. From that moment, I realized that it was the small gestures that were important in Japanese culture. This struck me profoundly. Such small gestures represented a country's unique culture. After that encounter, I began to see this cultural practice in everyday life in Japan. Everywhere, practices of gift giving and small gestures of kindness threaded the country, bounding together this country's people. When I returned to the U.S., I was determined to weave this cultural practice into my everyday life.
To practice this, I began to do simple tasks or acts of kindness. Seemingly inconsequential actions such as holding a door or making a one-of-a-kind birthday cards for my friends became my way of applying Japanese culture. The true satisfaction was in the end, receiving the grateful smiles from my host parents' faces on that last day before I left. Their smiles represented the close bond that we shared during my stay where we exchanged handmade pottery, unique chopstick holders, and origami. Each gift symbolized the cherished moment of being together and creating memories. From, I realized that gift giving and small gestures serves as the basis for building friendships. The gifts that we exchange will be memories of each other's time spent together.
I feel a little confused: what exactly you want to talk about? i think you should do some work in relating small gestures in Japanese Culture to your theme. [airplane---small gestures] I really have some difficulties to find the relation.
and the first paragraph will be little boring if you give so many statements at first without description.
those are my personal opinion, though.
this is your draft, anyway, so... good luck.
Hi!
I tend to agree with Cissy. You stuff a lot in this essay, but I think it has potential to be tightened up and focused. Here are a few of my examples:
All my life, I've been traveling or visiting new places. Whether it was a trip to a new park when I was eight years old or experiencing a rewarding experience to Japan this past summer, I've had my share of traveling experiences.
Whether a new trip to the park as a small child, or my experiences in Japan this last summer, my whole life has been about expanding my horizons.
However traveling, whether to places that are renowned or seem inconsequential, is a reward in itself. I believe that it has added to my understanding of the world and the people that I interact with.
Traveling to Japan rewarded me with a richer understanding of the world and the people with whom I interact daily.
As all of our excitement boarded the plane, my group leader told us to write a letter to ourselves, expressing our individual wants out of this trip. Unaffected by our puzzled faces, he explained that at the end of the trip, we would be amazed at what we wrote on that first day.
My first challenge came before the plane even left the U.S. Our tour group leader asked us to write a letter to ourselves expressing what we hoped to get out of this trip. He promised that after the trip, we would be amazed by the things we had written.
You get the point. Focus your essay by talking about Japan. Focus it even more by talking about a specific experience or revelation or whatever that you had in Japan.
Anyways, just my $.02. Good luck!
The problem I have with your essay on gift giving being the most important aspect (?) or learning (?) of your month in Japan is that you don't write about any real personal interaction. I would think that unless your japanese is fluent, how did you communicate with your host family? Did you use body language? What I am getting at is that I am missing all the human interaction that takes place prior, culminating in the gift giving.
Sorry to resort to this overused cliche but you are telling and not showing. Specifically, in this sentence: I experienced the "lasting friendships" and the "warm acceptance" of my host family. (IT WOULD HELP IF YOU RECOUNT AN INCIDENT THAT MADE YOU FEEL THIS)
I found this the heart of your essay "it wasn't the value of the gift that was important but was the action of giving itself." I would have liked a better understanding of why the act of giving was important or fulfilling to you. I can't believe that your gratification comes just from grateful smiles.
"The true satisfaction in the end was receiving the grateful smiles that were on my host parents' faces on that first day." DID YOU ALREADY GIVE THEM GIFTS FROM THE FIRST DAY? The last day would be more credible (and their smiles more sincere...)
Thank you to everyone who responded and gave criticism. I went back to make some drastic changes and this is the result. I hope that it's better. Mainly I eliminated a lot of ideas and just focused on one.
Are there any more places in the essay below that seem too cliche or unclear or just plain ridiculous? :P
Much more coherent essay.
This is interesting imagery. Some suggestions (in CAPS) to make the analogies more vivid and link back to your conclusion that simple gestures of kindness or generosity (gift-giving) are what bridge the gap between not only different cultures but mankind:
The tapestry of culture in the world is majestic; it consists of many bits of fabric that make up the world. Holding together those fabrics are the small stitches that bind everything together. In my perspective, different THE ASPECTS THAT REACH OUT ACROSS cultures are those important stitches. For me, a certain stitch impacted me the most, the Japanese culture of gift-giving and small gestures (??).
Some word is missing here (and correction in red:
From... (??) , I realized that gift giving and small gestures servesD as the basis for building friendships. YOU MIGHT WANT TO TIE THE LAST SENTENCE BACK TO YOUR TAPESTRY ANALOGY...The gifts that we exchange will be memories of each other's time spent together.
