So I understand that FIT doesn't actually begin the application process until August but I'm a planner and there is nothing that I want more than to go to this college. My GPA isn't the best and I know you aren't necessarily supposed to address this in your essay but I tried to take a light yet meaningful approach.
Please advise me with transitions considering I don't have any and also should I add a conclusion. I am over the word limit already but I am just curious!
What makes you a perfect candidate for FIT? Why are you interested in the major you are applying to? The essay is also your chance to tell us more about your experiences, activities and accomplishments. (No more than 750 words, please.)
Being from a small town in rural Arkansas, there are not many opportunities to break into the fashion industry. This, however, has not kept me from trying. From getting a retail job, and making a Tumblr account dedicated to my personal fashion sense, to taking online college classes in fashion merchandising and marketing, my experience may be limited but my passion is very obvious. I have never been surer of myself than when I am dealing with the industry and I am willing and able to take up the challenges that come with being in the rigorous Fashion Business Management program at the Fashion Institute of Technology beginning in the fall of 2017.
There isn't one thing about being a retail buyer that does not draw me in and by utilizing the knowledge that the Fashion Business Management program will give me with the specialized classes that FIT offers, I can truly be the best in my field. Working with budgets and managing how much merchandise is in the store is very stimulating for me. Additionally, the social side of this career is the true highlight. The fact that I will get the chance to negotiate with designers and even purchase lines that can help a designer gain footing in the industry is truly uplifting. I can really make a difference, but not just for the designers; also for the consumers. By keeping up with the trends and a bachelor's degree from the perfect school, I will be able to put the right merchandise on the hanger. However, my goals do not stop here. After graduating and getting a job as a retail buyer, I hope to carry on and learn the ins and the outs of the industry through experience in the field before going back to school for a degree in entrepreneurship. Upon completion of this degree, I would like to open my own retail store to purchase for and eventually pass down to one of my children.
The past two years of my high school career have been very insightful. I have been involved in the Future Business Leaders of America (FBLA) organization at my school and have won awards both years. My sophomore year I received fifth place and my junior year I received first place. For my senior year I am hoping to get first once again. The competition in which I have scored well in both years is Computer Applications. This test consists of a 100 question exam that must be completed in one hour and a two and a half hour skills test. Both years I have fully completed each test, which has been proven to be very difficult. Along with my experience with FBLA, I have also focused picking my classes to further push me towards my career goals that I have set for myself. For my senior year, I have chosen to take AP literature, statistics, psychology, sociology, banking, accounting, and a few digital communications classes. I have also went the extra mile to sign up for two online collegiate classes which are fashion merchandising and marketing.
On paper, I might seem like an average student. My GPA is not significant but what you cannot see, is the struggles that pressured me throughout my high school career. One of my biggest lessons that I have learned with this is prioritizing and balance. I have learned that I am different, not only this, but I have learned what I need to do to exceed even my own expectations when it comes to school. I am proud to say that my grades for my senior year are on par with the student I always knew I could be and I am so very proud of myself for not giving up. I persevered even if it doesn't make that big of a difference on paper, it made a huge difference to the way that I look at myself. I also learned that I am a fighter, I will do whatever is necessary to succeed and that is why I am the perfect fit for FIT. When I have heard people speak about the students that attend FIT the words driven, inspired, and cultured. I believe these words perfectly describe the person that I have matured to be and I do not view performance these past few years as an accurate representation of the student I have become and will continue to be as I carry on with my secondary education. This is because the student that I used to represent, would not have even tried to apply at a school so well known for excellence. Yet, here I am.
Word Count: 775
Any feedback and critiques are welcomed and encouraged!
Hi Reagan! welcome to EF Team! I hope you find this website is fruitful towards your writing development, especially in writing an admission essay. First, what you need to do is to put a space (1 enter) for each paragraph, the readers (including me) are somewhat confused about which one is the paragraph and which one is not. Somehow, it also distracts the coherence of the ideas that you delivered. Second, world limit is the rule. That is usually a strict rule, I suggest you to sum the information in your essay. I believe there are some unnecessary details that can be omitted in this essay.
However, I notice that there is no serious issue about grammar, some minor errors can be fixed by yourself if you proofread your essay many times.
For instance:
- There isn't one thing about being... (avoid using contraction(s), it makes your essay looks less formal)
- I have also wentgone the extra mile to sign up...
- My GPA is not significantthat high but what you cannot see is the struggles that pressured me throughout my high school career. (unnecessary comma)
- This is because the student that I used to represent would not have even tried... (comma is not needed)
There you are Reagan, I hope you can follow through my feedback. Good Luck for the admission :)
@ichanpants89 Thank you so much for your feedback! Also thank you for the tip about the paragraphs! I really want to make the most of using this website! Also thank you for the help with the commas!
I have a few questions! I am wondering if you think that this essay sounds professional or if not what I can do to make it sound more professional (I really need this essay to represent me well because of my average GPA). Does my last sentence end the essay well or is it weak?
Updated version of my essay:
Being from a small town in rural Arkansas, there are not many opportunities to break into the fashion industry. This, however, has not kept me from trying. From getting a retail job, and making a Tumblr account dedicated to my personal fashion sense, to taking online college classes in fashion merchandising and marketing, my experience may be limited but my passion is very obvious. I have never been surer of myself than when I am dealing with the industry and I am willing and able to take up the challenges that come with being in the rigorous Fashion Business Management program at the Fashion Institute of Technology beginning in the fall of 2017.
There is not one thing about being a retail buyer that does not draw me in and by utilizing the knowledge that the Fashion Business Management program will give me with the specialized classes that FIT offers, I can truly be the best in my field. Working with budgets and managing how much merchandise is in the store is very stimulating for me. Additionally, the social side of this career is the true highlight. The fact that I will get the chance to negotiate with designers and even purchase lines that can help a designer gain footing in the industry is truly uplifting. I can really make a difference, but not just for the designers; also for the consumers. By keeping up with the trends and a bachelor's degree from the perfect school, I will be able to put the right merchandise on the hanger. However, my goals do not stop here. After graduating and getting a job as a retail buyer, I hope to carry on and learn the ins and the outs of the industry through experience in the field before going back to school for a degree in entrepreneurship. Upon completion of this degree, I would like to open my own retail store to purchase for and eventually pass down to one of my children.
The past two years of my high school career have been very insightful. I have been involved in the Future Business Leaders of America (FBLA) organization at my school and have won awards both years. My sophomore year I received fifth place and my junior year I received first place. For my senior year I am hoping to get first once again. The competition in which I have scored well in both years is Computer Applications. This test consists of a 100 question exam that must be completed in one hour and a two and a half hour skills test. Both years I have fully completed each test, which has been proven to be very difficult. Along with my experience with FBLA, I have also focused picking my classes to further push me towards my career goals that I have set for myself. For my senior year, I have chosen to take AP literature, statistics, psychology, sociology, banking, accounting, and a few digital communications classes. I have also gone the extra mile to sign up for two online collegiate classes which are fashion merchandising and marketing.
On paper, I might seem like an average student. My GPA is not that high but what you cannot see is the struggles that pressured me throughout my high school career. One of my biggest lessons that I have learned with this is prioritizing and balance. I have learned that I am different, not only this, but I have learned what I need to do to exceed even my own expectations when it comes to school. I am proud to say that my grades for my senior year are on par with the student I always knew I could be and I am so very proud of myself for not giving up. I persevered even if it doesn't make that big of a difference on paper, it made a huge difference to the way that I look at myself. I also learned that I am a fighter, I will do whatever is necessary to succeed and that is why I am the perfect fit for FIT. When I have heard people speak about the students that attend FIT the words driven, inspired, and cultured. I believe these words perfectly describe the person that I have matured to be and I do not view performance these past few years as an accurate representation of the student I have become and will continue to be as I carry on with my secondary education. This is because the student that I used to represent would not have even tried to apply at a school so well known for excellence. Yet, here I am.
4th paragraph
I am proud to say that my grades for my senior year are on parequivalent with the student
I persevered even if it doesn'tdoes not make (avoid contractions)
I am the perfect fitprepared for FIT (it is strange to read fit twice in the same sentence. I changed it for a synonym but you can choose another one if you prefer)
I believe that your last sentence end the essay well =)
Thank you Rodolfo! This is really helpful! Also thank you for the comment about the last sentence! That is the one I was kind of worried about so thanks!
