Hi, My name is Khanh, I want to transfer to University of Washington [Computer Science Department]
I'm good at math but not at writting :(
Can any please review my essay [it's my first draft]. please help me to give feedback on how to improve my global revision (ideas), Thanks!
Here is the link to promp for transfer student
admit.washington.edu/Admission/Transfer/Statement
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As college transfer student, I believe that "smart" is not enough for people to be successful; however, it's a substantial advantage for them if they invest all their time and effort to archive it. According to my own personal dictionary, "work-hard" is the only word that follows the word "successful". Throughout my first year of college, "work-hard to archive goal" is the phrase that I always remind myself when I feel struggle during my education path. Consequently, that phrase helps me to have a successful year; both in GPA and communication. During my high school year, I was extremely discouraged to work in group; however, my first year of college has changed my perspective. As now, I extremely love to work in group because it helps me to enhance my communication skills and strengthen my cultural perspectives.
To be honest, computer is my best friend when I was about 13 years old; however, my major is undecidable because I always believe that my love for Computer is completely different from the love of programming. Consequently, my major is undecidable until I take my first "Introduction to Computer Science" course in my community college. It's an easy class; however, this class made me to believe that I have passion for Computer Science. For instance, I always tried to spend one day to complete a homework project that my professor allow two weeks to complete. I was extremely tired but there are some "will power" that allow me to keep going until I was able to solve all the logarithms in my program. As the matter of fact, I can't explain the happiness that I feel when I complete those problems. Every day when I wake up, I always think about my Computer Science class projects more than anything else. One day, I spend about eight or nine hours on my homework projects; surprisingly, the feeling of tiredness can't pull down my interest on my project. When I finished my project, I always jump up uncontrollably in joy. The kind of happiness that I have during those time is unexplainable, which I have never get during my normal daily life without those project.
Last summer, many of my friends told me that I should go to work to gain money and more life experience; however, I didn't choose to go to work because I believe that summer is the best time for me to prepare for my future college major. Consequently, during summer, I have learned Java as a beginner though many online tutorials and books. At first, I decided to learn Java because I wanted to prepare for my Java course next quarter; however, the more I get into Java, the more I think that Computer Science fit me due to the abnormal joy I have when I was able to solve few certain hard logarithms. Furthermore, if I have a chance to be a part of UW Computer Department graduate students, I'll most likely to become either a software developer or a white-hat hacker.
First of all, I want to transfer from my community college to Seattle UW because it is a high-ranked university that many college students want to attend. Consequently, be a part of this community is always my dream when I was a high school student. Second of all, none of my friends have interest in my field; therefore, Seattle UW Computer Science department is a great place for me to meet new people that have similar interest as I do. Additionally, I want to meet those new friends because I will have unlimited opportunity to create my own technical group that focus on mobile software applications and GUIs developments. Therefore, UW Computer Science department is not only my dream school, but it's also a place that will boost all my academic, career and personal goals.
About five years ago, my family and I came to the United States as Vietnamese immigrants. At the time, I was a completely shy and ignorance 14 years old child, who think that life in the US is an easy task because many Vietnamese believe that US life is represented for heaven. However, cultural and language barriers have completely changed my perspective about US life. At the first day of school, I hate how my school required me to run every single class periods to meet new friends and teachers, which I have never done such things back in Vietnam. As the matter of fact, it's extremely tough for me to adapt to these new environment because I can't make any friends for almost one quarter. At the end of that quarter, I took all my guts to make new friends; surprisingly, it's not as hard as I thought. As the result, I have learned that the US's method was extremely helpful because that method helped me improve both my communication and adaptation skills, which I can't do back in Vietnam. [As the conclusion from my new perspective, US life is a heaven that filled up with all differences opportunity; however, everything required "hard-work" to archive.] -> [more details will be add in to support this sentence.]
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~Khanh Tran
As college transfer student
As a college transfering student
"work-hard"
Hard-working -- "Work-hard" is a verb, it can't be a subject
"work-hard" is the only word that follows the word "successful"
Success is the outcome of the efforts the person has made in his pursuit of reaching the goal. This is where "practice" plays a vital role even though it seems a tedious task (Extracted from dumi's comments)
"work-hard to archive goal" is the phrase that I always remind myself when I feel struggle during my education path. Consequently, that phrase helps me to have a successful year; both in GPA and communication.
Passion and patience in studying has helped me to overcome difficulties through my learning path. As a result, it has helped me to achieve an excellent GPA (Grade Point Average).
GPA and communication
It seems that these words are not parralel because you can get a good GPA, not good communication from hard-working. A good communication skill is developed by your wide contacts with others.
These are my brief reviews to your essay. Hopefully, It can partly help you to finish this one as good as possible.
P/S: Are you from Viet Nam. I'm a Vietnamese. My name's Duyen. Nice to meet you! :)
Nice to meet you, Duyen!
Yes, I'm from Vietnam too :) Thanks a lot for your helps, I truly appreciated it :)
P/s: I hope more people can give me more feedbacks, so that I can do better global revision.
