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"The smell of chocolate" Application to The Art Institute of California - Sacramento


KatherineJane 1 / -  
Apr 21, 2011   #1
The Essay only says: Please respond to the following questions in a focused, organized essay of no less than 150 words and submit it with this application.

Which program of study have you chosen to enroll in and why?
How do you expect your education to help you attain your career goal?

It due today and I feel like I'm missing something or did something wrong but this is what I wrote =

The smell of chocolate melting over a pot of water, the sound of my ceramic knife hitting the cutting board, and the taste of the excitement in the air are all just a few of the reasons why I chose the culinary arts program at The Art Institute of California - Sacramento. Ever since I can remember my mom and dad have had me cooking along beside them, but it took until recently to see my true passion in it. I believe that The Art Institute will the best at helping me achieve my culinary goals because all of the learning seems fast paced and hands on. I'm always excelling towards different and more challenging food, because of how it all seems to come so naturally. Working hard and successfully juggling many responsibilities at once is something I do daily and is a skill that will make the kitchen The Associates Degree in Culinary Arts will help me follow my dream of owning a high end restaurant, with the experience I will earn and variety of classes I will take.
scatty2610 1 / 6  
Apr 22, 2011   #2
For a 150-word essay I think you conveyed your thoughts pretty well.

I think you should add some sentences based on some aspect of the college that exicited you as your love for cooking came out quite clear.

The start of the essay was quite a grab but maybe you should work on your conclusion.

Ever since I can remember my mom and dad have had me cooking along beside them, but it took until recently to see my true passion in it.

Here maybe in a sentence you can say something about what made your hobby into your passion...

I know the word limit can be quite constricting but I think you have a brilliant feel for the essay... keep it up!

Hope you get into your desired college!!
EricJ - / 48  
Apr 22, 2011   #3
The writers at college-essay-admission help.com choose your essay for a complete rewrite. Here are the writers revisions and suggestions.

The smell of chocolate melting over a pot of water, the sound of my ceramic knife hitting the cutting board, and the joy I feel when I cook are a few of the reasons why I chose to apply to the Culinary Arts program at The Art Institute of California - Sacramento. For as long as I can remember, my mom and dad have had me cooking beside them. However, it was not until recently that I discovered that cooking is my true passion.

I love learning about different, challenging foods. I've found that I really like to work with new ingredients and prepare new dishes. Like many other culinary arts students, I have a natural talent in the kitchen, but I also have persistence. I work hard and I juggle many responsibilities. I know these characteristics serve me well in the kitchen, and I think they will also help me excel at The Art Institute.

When it comes to achieving my culinary goals, The Art Institute is the best school to attend. I love the idea of learning new skills through hands-on experience, and I'm excited by the fast pace of the courses. Additionally, the Associates Degree in Culinary Arts will help me take a step closer to achieving my dream of owning a high-end restaurant.

The following changes helped to improve this college application essay:

- The essay prompt specifies no fewer than 150 words, and this essay barely makes it. Since 150 words is the bottom end of the acceptable range, you can take your time and really make your words count.

- Originally, this essay consisted of a single long paragraph. It's easier to read several shorter paragraphs. A series of shorter paragraphs gives the natural divisions to handle each of the aspects of the prompt.

- The original introduction to this essay is good because it appeals to the reader's senses.
- Proofread your essay before submitting it. Punctuation and usage errors hurt the impression that you're working to create. Have another person review your essay before you submit.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Apr 23, 2011   #4
For as long as I can remember, my mom and dad have had me cooking beside them. However, it was not until recently that I discovered that cooking is my true passion.

This is a good catch. It's not really okay to write "ever since I can remember," because it does not make sense grammatically.

Also, I like the way Eric's suggested changes improve the variation of sentence structure.

Katherine, do you see what is wrong with this sentence as you had written it? --->
"Working hard and successfully juggling many responsibilities at once is something I do daily and is a skill that will make the kitchen The Associates Degree in Culinary Arts will help me..."

follow my dream of owning a high end restaurant, with the experience I will earn and variety of classes I will take.----This is too obvious. Of course it will help you follow that dream, and you will get experiences from the classes, but you should try to add your own unique THEME. Do you know what I mean by that? Use a concept, some special word that the reader can think about when trying to understand you. I think you might do well if you use a theme like "flavor" or "chocolate." Use some word a few times and let it add to the meaningfulness of the essay.

:-)


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