Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Prompt #2: Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?
His name was Ron. He was missing all but five teeth and consisted of everything one would expect of a Vietnam Veteran suffering from PTSD. He spent a good amount of our weekly three hours together reminiscing strictly on his barracks and the other on different types of fish he would one day like to catch. He greeted everyone who walked up to our desk with his uncanny smile and no one could help but to smile back. Every week Ron taught me something new, whether it was how to clean a rifle or how to gut a trout, but more importantly, he taught me how to smile.
For the past four summers, I've volunteered at the local Kaiser Permanente Hospital doing a variety of jobs, but mainly working at the information desk. Every Tuesday I'd drag myself out of bed to that fluorescently lit, sterile smelling clinic where I observed the many different people who walked through the doors. They came in all shapes and sizes and looked like they were coming straight out of Dr. Seuss's office. Maybe it was the way I stared, but for some reason I attracted all the resentful people who asked me questions I didn't have the answer to. I hated the place.
It wasn't until the summer of 2008 that I was paired up with a senior volunteer. Ron didn't volunteer because his mother told him to. He volunteered because of his altruistic nature. He saw this shy cynical boy and wanted to show him that pointing someone in the right direction, along with a simple smile could have a lasting effect on his or her day. The next day a woman asked where she could wait for her father to go into surgery. I flashed her a smile, uttered a compliment or two, and sent her on her way. No adverse glare, no hostile comments, no "What do they even pay you for?" It was astonishing. My perspiring palms were now oozing with enthusiasm rather than sweat. I now had this common yet effulgent talent that I wanted to take with me outside of the hospital.
The following year, my enthusiasm took the form of Key Club, a student-led volunteer organization. I practiced Ron's methods at every community service project, whether it was handing out shirts at cancer walks or recycling trash after football games. In the subsequent years, I took more active rolls, becoming historian and now president. I took more active rolls, becoming historian and now president. As president, I found the energy to recruit, the courage to publicly talk, and the dedication to organize volunteer events for my members. I want them to realize that showing your empathy and having a positive attitude is the basis for changing the world we live in for the better. Basically, I want them to know that the "warm-fuzzy-feeling" one gets after helping others is no myth.
I plan on taking this talent with me throughout life, eventually entering the medical field where I can combine it with my passion for biology.
I think your essay is great. I think you should rearrage it though. you start off with someone else. this essay is ALL ABOUT YOU. So maybe some tweaks to your 2nd paragraph and switch the two or something. But you need to start of much stronger about yourself. On that note, you need to stay focused on yourself throughout the entire thing, don't get distracted talking about other people. make sure to always reflect on how it has shaped the person you are throughout the essay, not just in one paragraph. Also you never once mentioned being proud. make sure you do this. You mentioned becoming historian than president twice as well. Final note- Your last sentence is incredibly random. Have a concluding paragraph with a few sentences. Be sure to CONCLUDE, don't introduce new information here, like a passion for biology. It throws the reader off and distracts them.
Hope this helps.
BTW- If you get a chance I'd really appreciate you reading my essay. Scroll to the bottom though because I revised the whole thing. THANKS!
They came in all shapes and sizes and looked like they were coming straight out of Dr. Seuss's office.---Ha ha, I enjoyed this because I never thought of Dr. Seuss having a Doctor's office. Yet, this sentence, though cool, makes you seem judgmental.
Maybe it was the way I stared, but for some reason I attracted all the resentful people who asked me questions I didn't have the answer to. I hated the place.----wow, I am really enjoying your writing style.
Use a comma when you have dialogue: comments, no, "What do they even pay you for?"
I plan on taking this talent with me throughout life, eventually entering the medical field where I can combine it with my passion for biology.------I wish you would give a few more sentences to tell all about the articles you have been reading pertaining to the kinds of medicine that interest you. What are you good at doing, and what is most appealing to you? Make a specific plan.
:-)
