So the prompt states "Considering both the specific undergraduate school or program to which you are applying and the broader University of Pennsylvania community, what academic, research, and/or extracurricular paths do you see yourself exploring at Penn?"
I feel maybe my essay can be a little "off topic." I do answer the prompt in my essay, but more specifically answer why UPENN is for me.
Please critique my essay in an honest manner. thanks!
Irvine-the Bubble. Living in this idealistic microcosm voted the safest city for five consecutive years, I find myself distant from the real world. Always in my comfort zone, my mind and perspective of life is fixed. Competing with the same students both academically and athletically, I've been sucked into the trap of compromise--standing merely above others, not exposing my full potential. Yet now as a seventeen-year-old high school senior, the time has come to pop this bubble and burst open from its protective shield. The real world I see myself in is University of Pennsylvania.
University of Pennsylvania-my perfect college fit. Vastly different from my hometown of Irvine, University of Pennsylvania all in all satisfies my ...
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Wow, your writing style is amazing. I really enjoyed ur details, especially verdant grass. I love the word verdant. One suggestion that I have is to talk about the specific school in the University that you are applying to. Talk about a certain course or certain skills that you will learn at the school.
YEAH SAXOPHONE PLAYER!!
Anyway, I feel like you're really close. First of all, you misread the prompt a bit. UPenn isn't asking why you're interested in applying there. They want to know what you're interested in. Remember, they want to see how interesting of a person you are. You want to make yourself seem well-rounded.
You're definitely close. However, I would suggest getting rid of the first two paragraphs. I can see what you're trying to say, but you're ultimately painting yourself as a mediocre, sheltered student who has never really gone beyond his home town. UPenn only accepts the top 10% of the students who apply. You need to do everything possible to place yourself in that top 10%, and that first paragraph is not doing that for you. The second paragraph has nothing to do with the prompt.
I'd be happy to go more in depth with your essay once you review it and post another version.
Thank you so much for editing my essay!
thank you so much :)
well here is the revised version
but my main concern is it seems a little too short.
the essay is supposed to be about 500 words, but mine is only 293...
what else would i need to include in this essayy
Walking alongside the road lined with verdant grass and blossoming flowers, with my biology textbook in one hand and saxophone on the other, I make my way to Cohen Hall for my first class lecture presented by the renowned Nobel prize-winning professor. Listening attentively and jotting down key points, the opportunity to expand my brain usage percentage-closer to that of Albert Einstein-is given. Once lecture is over, I hurry myself to Fisher-Bennet Hall for a jam session with fellow musicians. Lost amid the rhythmic liveliness of jazz, I express the joyous sensation of my Monday morning through my glistening horn. After an hour or two, just about when the muscles around my lips begin to ache, I head to Starbucks for a cup of coffee with some friends I met at Penn Students for Christ club. Amidst a pool of 23,000 students on campus from over 100 different countries, I, for the first time, learn the skills of adaptation and experience the meaning of cultural diversity. Once our order is ready, we walk to the open fields in front of Van Pelt Library where fellow Penn Students for Christ club members have gathered for a time of fellowship. Embraced by the beauty of nature, we sit around in a circle and sing along as one student strums on the guitar. Looking at my watch, realizing office hours are almost over, I wave goodbye and quickly dash to my professor's office for additional clarification on the Kreb Cycle. Once that's taken care of, I sluggishly walk to my dorm room with eyes half-opened. My exhausting, yet productive day is over. In Irvine, completing my supplements for University of Pennsylvania, I smile to myself as I picture my future to be like this.
You need to talk about the specific college in Upenn you are applying to. If you're applying to Wharton, for example, talk about some courses or a certain field of study that appeals to you and why. You are answering the broader Upenn part but not the specific.
You could go elaborate on the major you've chosen! Otherwise great essay!
Yes, elaborate on the path you choose in particular to UPenn. Good essay, of course, but it would make it much more stronger if you can incorporate the path you choose and briefly describe some objectives you hope to achieve and what you can do to contribute to the college, rather than just explaining what college you envision going to.
