I would love any advice to strengthen my essay!! Please and thank you
1. St. Ignatius of Loyola, founder of the Society of Jesus, encouraged his followers to live their lives in the service of others. How do you plan to serve others in your future endeavors?
Smiles and laughter. A sure sign that one's heart has been completely warmed. That person is content, even ecstatic. Whether it is a silly joke, a kind act or a triumphant victory, this feeling of happiness is irreplaceable. Through my high school activities, from playing cello for senior citizens in their assisted living homes, to making lunches for hospital patients at my local hospital, painting murals for the famer's market and teaching English-second language children over the summer, I know that I will most definitely continue to do anything in my future for the special feelings that others receive.
I want to expand my desire to make a difference in the lives of others. I hope to bring the determination to my college environment and represent the voice of my peers in the student government. To me, being a part of a community means respecting it as a dedicated member. The improvement in the lives of my peers is important to me because I want to ensure that we have the necessary tools and notions towards being operative citizens of the future. This way, we can build a community of constant growth and care.
Outside of the world with my peers, I would like to bring my efforts into the medical field. If I were to become physician, I would value the opportunity to bring direct care to my patients. These efforts are valuable to me because to me, it is remarkable what a difference one person's actions can be on the lives of others. I want to be a promoter in bringing comfort and happiness to other's lives with the benefits of modern technology. I hope to bring forth good spirits and kindhearted advice to those that I care for.
What I value is reaching my fullest potential in making a mark on the betterment of society. I want to be the catalyst. I want more smiles and laughter.
1. St. Ignatius of Loyola, founder of the Society of Jesus, encouraged his followers to live their lives in the service of others. How do you plan to serve others in your future endeavors?
Adjustments may not be noticeable, but are there.
Smiles and laughter: a sure sign that one's heart has been completely warmed. That The person is content, even ecstatic. Whether it is a silly joke, a kind act or a triumphant victory, this feeling of happiness is irreplaceable. Through my high school activities, from playing cello for senior citizens in their assisted living homes , to making lunches for hospital patients at my local hospital, painting murals for the farmer's (YOU SPELLED FARMER'S WRONG; PLEASE NOTICE AND CORRECT THIS!) market and teaching (young Americans? immigrants? whatever you choose, make sure it's politically correct.) English over the summer, I know that I will certainly continue to do anything in my future (and share memories with others).
I want to expand my desire to make a difference in the lives of others, and hope to bring a dear piece of my experiences to my college environment by representing the voice of my peers in the student government. To me, being a part of a community means being a dedicated member. The improvement in the lives of my peers is so important to me because I want to make sure that we, as a whole, have the necessary tools and mental stamina to be contributing citizens. In this way, we may build a more sustainable community.
Outside of the world with my peers, I would like to bring such efforts into the medical field. As a physician, I would value the opportunity to bring direct care to my patients. Such efforts are valuable to me because to me, It is remarkable what a difference one person's actions can be on the lives of others. I want to be a promote in bringing comfort and happiness in other's lives with the benefits of modern technology. (WHY DO YOU SUDDENLY TALK ABOUT TECHNOLOGY NOW? DO YOU MEAN MEDICINE RATHER THAN TECHNOLOGY?) I hope to bring forth good spirits and kindhearted advice to all those that I care for . (THIS MEANS IF YOU DON'T CARE ABOUT SOMEONE, THEY SHOULD DIE? AWFUL. REJECTED)
What I value is reaching my fullest potential in My biggest satisfaction is making a mark on the betterment of society- for the better. I want to be a catalyst . I want more smiles and laughter.
Pretty okay! Mind that this is a harsh critique, and take this advice with good spirit.
abenelazar has corrected most of your grammar errors, but one more:
It is remarkable what a difference one'sperson's actions can be on the lives of others.
person's is redundant.
Overall it is a great essay, I read your essay cuz I am struggling on writing the BC supp essay now haha
And I think your ending is a bit weak: I want more smiles and laughter,
you can conclude stronger, something like: "I strive to do my best to serve others and make a mark on the society for the better. I do not want anything for return, except smiles and laughter. "
Something like this:) make it stronger.
