Hey guys, I was just wondering if I could please get any tips or advice on my UC personal statement. It would be very much appreciated. Thanks so much :)
Prompt: Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how has your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
In my house, there is a wall filled with family pictures and souvenirs from our past vacations. Whenever I pass by that wall, it seems as though I don't give it the effort of a glance to look at it. Occasionally, I take a look at the wall, and I see the changes that my family has been through. One particular instance, I looked at a picture from a trip to Vietnam in 2007, and then a picture from a vacation in Jamaica in 2010. At first glance, I noticed the obvious major differences in my appearance. I had lost weight, cut my hair, lost my glasses, and had grown taller. After looking at the pictures more closely, I began to see that these obvious differences had much more meaning then the physical changes they represented. In addition, there was another obvious change that struck me immediately, and it was something that should be in every family picture. The major difference between the two pictures was that, in Vietnam, I wasn't smiling.
Change has affected almost everything in my life, and nothing in my 17 years of life has ever remained constant. Indeed, when I look back at all the things that have changed through my life, I can't help but feel that the thing that has changed most of all is me. Looking back at myself in 2007, I was always the kid who wouldn't talk to anyone else outside his friend circle. The stereotypical "nerd", my life was focused on school, my few friends, and video games. I did whatever I was told, and I was essentially a follower. However, the thing that separated me from my friends was my ambition. My biggest ambition at that time was to become a leader, and that journey began my sophomore year, when I decided to enroll in my school's IB program, the speech and debate team, as well as Key Club. Granite Bay High School's IB program is very small, and I found myself having the same kids in every class. It was definitely something that could've been counter productive in opening my friend circles. However, I found myself developing strong friendships with each of my classmates, and before I knew it, kids were saying hi to me outside of class. Being on the debate team served as a way for me to express my opinions, and make new friends, and before I knew it, kids completely different from me were saying hello everyday. Lastly, when I joined the Key Club at my school, and became Vice President, I had found a way for me to help the community, get to know students outside of my school, and even become a leader. These three experiences collectively added to an expansion of my friend circles. By the end of my junior year, I had many more friends, I had become a leader, and I had changed from the kid from the picture in Vietnam to the young smiling man in the picture from Jamaica.
My experiences in high school have led me to strive to become the best leader I can be. As John F. Kennedy once said, "Leadership and learning are indispensable to each other." A leader isn't merely a person in charge, but rather a person that brings together many different circles and types of people. My ambitions have always been strong, and I aspire to become a true leader as I continue to smile, make others smile, ultimately move on to college.
I think you're off to a great star on your essay. It sounds good and it answers the question well.
These three experiences collectively added to an expansion of my friend circles.
I don't think this sentence is necessary, you pretty much repeat yourself in the next sentence. Plus, the next sentence conveys what you are trying to say much more effectively and naturally.
In your ending paragraph, try to add your career interests. Say what you want to be a leader in. Try to relate this to a career interest. This is quite important in my opinion.
"My ambitions have always been strong, and I aspire to become a true leader as I continue to smile, make others smile, ultimately move on to college." Don't forget to add an "and" before ultimately.
Other than that, i think that's pretty much it. You could also try to tie the end back to beginning by somehow mentioning the photo collage in your last sentence.
Good Luck
...had much more meaning then than the physical changes they represented.
... and it involved was the absence something that should be...
However, I found myself developing strong friendships with each of my classmates, and before I knew it, kids were saying hi to me outside of class. ----This is a very strong part of the essay. If you decide to be a professional writer (something I think you could do well), I hope you use this excellent attention to detail -- the absence of a smile, noticing other kids saying hi... these are great details.
As John F. Kennedy once said, "Leadership and learning are indispensable to each other." --- (I crossed out "once," because "once said" is an overused cliche.
This is one of the best essays ever.
