Please help me with the following two supplements. Welcome any criticisms =) Thank you very much in advance
1/How did you first learn of Smith College and why are you applying? 500 characters
"Above 46000 Smith alumnae ensure to assist Smithies with internships and careers"-my friend shared the statistic when discussing some colleges with me. I am not simply amazed at the huge number of successful graduates but the massive commitment to Smith. I picture myself in a both academically prominent and caring environment that will urge me to mature into a whole person. More thousands of excellent graduate Smithies will head back to their root and be helpful, and I long to be one of them.
2/When Smith College was founded in 1871, there were few educational opportunities for women. Is a women's college still relevant in 2009? 1000 characters
Women's lives nowadays even get more struggling than ever due to career, domestic and social demands combined. That is why I highly appreciate the existence of a female college today as it creates opportunities for a young woman to fulfill her abilities and prepare her well for those challenges. She will live in an environment specially designed for female only, receiving the most considerate attention from professors and faculties and suitable conditions to pursue her education. Furthermore, school spirits may enable her to enjoy life fully. Participating in community services to help her society, coloring her day with artistic and cultural events, and having friends who share not only the same biological gender but also similar perspectives and dreams- all are essential for a girl's development. I believe those precious experiences at a women's college will teach a woman how to balance her life and achieve self-satisfaction in any fields.
I am not only amazed by the huge number of successful graduates, but by their massive commitment to Smith.
I picture myself in a both an academically prominent...
More thousands of excellent graduate Smithies will head back to their root and be helpful , ...What does that mean?
Women's lives nowadays aremore of a struggle than ever due to career, domestic and social demands. combined.
She will live in an environment specially designed for females only,...
I believe those precious experiences at a women's college will teach a womanme how to balance my life and achieve...
1/How did you first learn of Smith College and why are you applying? 500 characters
I am was not only amazed at the huge number of successful graduates but also at the ...
I pictured myself
More than Thousands of excellent Smithies will serve their Alma mater once they graduate, and I long to be one of them.
2/When Smith College was founded in 1871, there were few educational opportunities for women. Is a women's college still relevant in 2009? 1000 characters
in this although the answers answering the prompt--try putting more 'I' into it so it sounds more personal
No.1:
concise, straight to the point. But you can improve on the connection a bit.
I picture myself in a both academically prominent and caring environment that will urge me to mature into a whole person.==>(maturing in such an environment will make you head back to your roots?In what manner?) More thousands of excellent graduate Smithies will head back to their root and be helpful, and I long to be one of them.
You might want to rearrange the sentences a bit and see what works for you.
No.2:
Is this a personal statement? If so, no.2 should be in a first person narrative manner.
"Furthermore, school spirits may enable her to enjoy life fully.", "all are essential for a girl's development. " ==> how? I dont really see it from the essay, maybe a slight more informative would make it more easier to understand.
More thousands of excellent graduate Smithies will head back to their root and be helpful, ...What does that mean?
I think he means that the alumni would go back to their alma mater and help out.
You can make it clearer with the rule called :number agreement":
Smithies will head back to their roots ...
:-)
