Please take comment on my supplement essay for ED to University of Pennsylvania, any input is appreciated.
Describe the courses of study and the unique characteristics of the University of Pennsylvania that most interest you. Why do these interests make you a good match for Penn?
The aroma of its fusion of buttered buns, grilled meat, and everything in between seduces my nostrils. As a nine-year old, a trip to Jack Astor's sends my senses into a frenzy. Drool trickles out of the corners of my mouth in anticipation. But before I wolf down my Smokey Jack's Burger, I put the red Crayola and brown-paper tablecloth to good use by dissecting my meal, inspecting the root of my temptations. After all, the dinner is only $11.48 plus tax, a satisfying meal for a deal. Or is it?
Buns are first up for appraisal, mighty ordinary in my opinion. If purchased from the bakery they are $0.33 each. Though not premium beef and bacon, this burger has a decent bulk and thickness, so $1.50 is an acceptable combined price. The "smoked partly-skimmed Mozzarella" is a processed imitation of the real deal, unnaturally made to be perfectly square and uniformly thin - $0.25 per slice at $3.00 for a package of twelve. As for the feeble slices of tomatoes, the generous heap of iceberg lettuce (the cheapest lettuce available), the stray strands of onions, the lone spear of pickle, and the wad of mass-produced mayonnaise, the cumulative price cannot reasonably exceed $0.50. I am not done. The waitress spends at most two minutes and the chef an estimated four minutes assembling and delivering my burger, translating into $1.50 worth of time based on an averaged wage of $15.00 per hour.
Haphazardly scrawled onto the brown paper, the prices steadily accumulate, waiting to be added. With arrogance I can only show in front of my mother, I boast my amazing decimal addition skills that I've recently perfected. My findings are extraordinary! I turn to my mother and ask, "If this burger should only cost $4.00, why are we eating here? For $11.48 plus tax, we are being cheated!"
Fast forward to eight years later and I am mesmerized by the same subject in my Economics class. Although I have a solid grasp on the concepts of the Keynesian short-run aggregate supply curve, the price elasticity of demand, and the pricing behavior of a firm in monopolistic competition, I have not outgrown my childhood tendencies to question the details. Why does the rush report option, at a hefty $36.50, of sending SAT scores online even exist? Why do firms start to advertise Christmas-related products in September? My interest in the world's intricacies was what led me to take IB Higher Level Economics, where an entirely new portal to understanding was revealed. Like Tetris, once mismatching pieces of the workings of our society have fallen into logical coherence. Economics, it's fair to say, has given me insight in the interrelations of everyday life.
Life demands growth, and there are no prescribed confines in economics that restrict my passion for the subject. I have discovered the wonders of our economy through conversations with my economics teacher, observations of my surroundings, and economic works such as Freakonomics by Stephen Dubner and Steven Levitt and Boom Bust and Echo by David Foot. My fascination has also prompted me to compete in the Investors of Tomorrow Online Stock Market Challenge, where in the spring 2008 session, I finished first internationally by managing a portfolio that witnessed a 29% profit in twelve short weeks. The volatile nature of stocks and the economy aroused an unparallel excitement within me, one that reached no such fervor in any other subject. Even for potentially mundane tasks such as the IB extended essay, my enthusiasm is reflected in my survey of five hundred participants, as part of my study of the effects of the recent wheat price inflation on a local bakery and on consumer behaviors. I need to satisfy my ever growing appetite for economics, and University of Pennsylvania is the only school that will fulfill this hunger.
At UPenn, the wide-ranging selection of more than thirty-five courses investigates every crevice of economic science. The extensive undergraduate program of the Economics Department will allow me to explore the discipline of my choice, eliminating the problem of course limitations at other schools. As an immigrant, I am particularly drawn to international economics, specifically the rapid expansion of economy in China, my native country. I hope to conduct my own research, for example, to examine potential correlation between the surge in middle class wealth in China and the one-child policy. Valuable facilities such as the Penn Institute for Economic Research will accommodate and foster these aspirations. Also, I wish to study under the guidance of notable professors like Randall Wright and Jing Li, specialists in macroeconomics and microeconomics respectively, who will equip me with the necessary tools to enhance my own economic awareness. By exposing myself to a full spectrum of available resources, the undergraduate program will improve my analytical capacity and literacy in economics.
In times of global recession and bleak economic state, UPenn needs a dynamic, focused and distinguished individual who can expose a new solution to the same problem. Speaking of new perspective, factoring in negative externalities such as obesity and a greasy shirt, how much more does the Smokey Jack's Burger cost me? I hope to find the answer at UPenn.
Thanks for your time!!
I'm just another member here, but another view from a student can't hurt.
I thought it was a good essay, it felt a little dry though. The intro was good, I liked the burger analysis and how you came back to that at the end. However, sometimes I felt like I had no idea what you were talking about. True, I'm no economics buff, but I don't think admission committees are either. They'll probably know more about it than I do, but still don't want to confuse them, you know? The middle two paragraphs, between the burger analysis and UPenn course selection, I think needs a little more life. The only thing that kept me going was the Tetris comment in the middle.
Also, is there a limit to the UPenn essay? I'm not applying there, but this is nearing the "long" end of the spectrum of the essays. I wrote one for MIT and found it was too long, so make sure you don't go over :)
Good vocabulary and organization overall though. If I had understood all the economic stuff, I would've probably loved it.
Good evening.
Let's see here. First, a couple of mechanical comments. Make sure you are only capitalizing proper nouns and the first words of sentences. For instance, Mozzarella and Economics should not be capitalized as they fall into neither category. Second, avoid contractions in formal academic writing. They are inappropriate, and many instructors will count off for their use.
As to content, I really enjoyed your introduction; it is definitely an attention-getter. I too found myself losing focus in the middle, as there seems to be an overload of financial discourse too far out of mainstream to keep a large majority of potential audience members rapt. A little of this is fine in an essay such as this, but be careful not to overdo it. I think you could condense a lot of this in the middle, still keep your point, and still keep your audience's attention. I really like the conclusion, as it ties to the introduction very well. Given a little clean up, I think this will be a great essay. Nice work.
Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com
