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SMU essay (took part in the victory)


technogirl 1 / 9  
Feb 28, 2009   #1
I'm the newbie and my major is not English. So my English is really bad. Please help me, I need somebody correct it and make it shorter for me, okay. This essay makes me crazy!!

Topic: In not more than 300 words, list and describe highlight of your three most valuable achievements, contributions and experience in context of three activities...
_____________________________________________________
1500 m left...
I was totally exhausted. My legs didn't want to move on anymore. Some parts inside of me wanted to give up. At the time I intended to give, suddenly an image of the smile of my beloved disable kids appeared in my mind. Oh, it's the time I visited them while I was the Leader of the Volunteer Team., the time I learned about the love, about the sharing. Their angel smiles with lovely, naive eyes obsessed me and made me to join this Voluntary Marathon. I couldn't give up. I must move on...

800 m left...
Maybe this time I hardly can go on. Oh God, everything in front of me seems to be blurred. The only things I can see right now is the red ribbon in the end of the road and some guys in front of me. Wow, why is it like my competition exam? I still remember I was exactly how I am now: exhausted, nervous. At that time, I had to compete with 2 guys to be in the team of the City Competition. Studying overload and stresses depressed me. Seemingly, something inside of me called distinct made me study crazily. It made me try my best to compete with 2 guys to get what I aimed. And ultimately, I had my name in the list of Competition Team, of course by defeating 2 guys. ..My legs now seem to move faster and faster. I couldn't be defeated..

10 m final..
Finally, I was not the one who came first but I also took part in the victory of my team; we got the gold medal for the whole team. What I got from this competition is not only the perseverance nor the competing spirit, it is also the lesson about the love, about the sharing. This is the first time I do something for others, for my beloved angel kids.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Feb 28, 2009   #2
This is all about the race, but it is supposed to be about three different activities! I guess you need to start with a para that names three activities and something they all have in common; three activities, but they all show aspects of you. You need to sum this race up in one para and then move on to the other two experiences/achievements.

300 words is only one page... about three paragraphs. I guess I think you should name three activities in the intro, describe those activities in the middle paragraph, and then reflect on them in the final paragraph.

It is best if you talk about them altogether in each paragraph, because you do not have room in 300 words to spend a para on each... the most important thing is to unify them by writing a thesis sentence at the end of para #1. The thesis should name three QUALITIES, one for each experience, that you will bring to this school.

Good luck revising!!

Remember: name the three activities in para #1, then at the end of para #1 tell the qualities that go with them. After that, elaborate and explain in a longer para #2. Finally, end with a reflective para about how you will bring these qualities with you to the school, and into your future.
EF_Sean 6 / 3,491  
Mar 4, 2009   #3
And don't forget that you don't need to fully explain each activity. The prompt specifically asks you to simply highlight the main reason you think of that activity as an achievement. So, the race you describe was an achievement in team building, which shows that you have the quality of being a team player. The highlight would be the communal sense of victory after the race. Try to unite the three achievements you pick in some way, as Kevin suggested, though that might be difficult, since you presumably want to illustrate three separate qualities, rather than three aspects of one quality. Perhaps you could show how the qualities you choose overlap or reinforce each other?
OP technogirl 1 / 9  
Mar 5, 2009   #4
thank you, all of you, especially Kevin.
I have just finished revising it. However, I think there are still some problems, please help me
I've read this sentence somewhere in my books :Until we are old, we suddenly realize that our life is just an enormous photo-album that records and captures every memorable moments. This saying used to obsess ma a lot. What will I put in my own photo-album? If I could capture my entire 17 year in one photo-album, I will definitely put all my achievements in first pages so that every time I view, I could be proud of my self and have more motivations to live better.

It would be the time when I was chosen to go to City Competition in my school's team when I was grade 10. If you know how hard it is to be chosen, you would know how hard I tried to have my name in the list. It proved me that if you try your best and dare to dream, anything is possible.

It would be also the moment the first time I saw the disable children when I did my voluntary work in Hatay Disable Children Organization. It is the first time I learned about love, about sacrificing myself for others. Actually, this trip had taught me much more valuable lessons than any lesson I take at school, it's lesson about life, about living for others. I consider it as my achievement.

And it would be the time I receive my first salary from my part-time job as a salesman. Earning my first money taught me how hard my parents must be to earn money, to learn to treasure and save money. Indeed, it is the lesson which is hardly found.

...
There are still a lot of things I want to put I my photo-album but I know that all achievements have contribute to create a person like me today.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Mar 5, 2009   #5
Can you change that to, "When we are old" ?? that would make more sense. And you can say: I used to obsess over that saying a lot.

Can you give it an origin? Where does that saying come from? I googled it, but could not find it. Do not just say you found it in your books, but instead say you heard it from your grandmother or something.

Then, you will have a very strong intro. This provides a great way to transition into the three achievements. I think Sean made an important point when he mentioned that you do not have to describe the achievements in detail, and you do a good job of keeping the essay moving along. They should allow more than 300 words for this! Tell them I said so. :)

At the end... can you wait until you are feeling really inspired and then go back and add 2 more sentences of reflection at the end? End with reflection about future achievements involving this school.
OP technogirl 1 / 9  
Mar 6, 2009   #6
thank you Kevin, but I don't understand At the end... can you wait until you are feeling really inspired ?? do I need make it more inspired? and Could you give me some advice how can I make the reflection about future? could you suggest some example? I'm sorry but I'm not good at Literature, especially in writing at all
EF_Sean 6 / 3,491  
Mar 6, 2009   #7
Good job with the photo album frame for the essay. I think Kevin's point about your conclusion is that it is a bit weak, compared with the rest of the essay. You want to leave the reader on a high note, with something inspirational to think about. What you have is:

"Earning my first money taught me how hard my parents must be to earn money, to learn to treasure and save money. Indeed, it is the lesson which is hardly found.

...
There are still a lot of things I want to put I my photo-album but I know that all achievements have contribute to create a person like me today."

This may be true, but really, you aren't saying anything particularly original or gripping here. So, try to come up with a sentence or two that really expresses the meaning the activities had for you, or that ties them back to your suitability for admissions.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Mar 6, 2009   #8
It's got to come from within you; listen for it. The truth is, you CAN use language powerfully. You can write words that make the reader think something. Make the reader feel something. You can write words that "count."
OP technogirl 1 / 9  
Mar 7, 2009   #9
thank you Kevin, and Sean,
this is the conclusion I just revised,
Earning my first money taught me how hard my parents must be to earn money, to learn to treasure everything I have. It's really a meaningful gift that the life gives to me when I was 17.

I love and I'm proud of what I have, what I achieved and what I learned. I believe that What I got today will help me achieve my future goal.

plz help me correct it, it's really difficult to write an open-end and make the readers think ^^ because Vnese student usually write close-ends
EF_Sean 6 / 3,491  
Mar 7, 2009   #10
This might be a bit stronger:

Earning my first money taught me how hard my parents must work to earn their money, which in turn taught me to treasure everything they have provided for me . This lesson in gratitude was a meaningful gift that the life gave me when I was 17.I love and I'm proud of what I have, what I achieved and what I learned. I believe that What I got today will help me achieve my future goal.
shine lee 1 / 36  
Mar 8, 2009   #11
hmm you can change : " I love and I'm proud of what I have, what I achieved and what I learned. I believe that What I got today will help me achieve my future goal" into " I love and I treasure everything I've got now : my achievements as well as my lessons because I know that each achievement has contribute to create a person I am today and I will be later. " (sorry if it sounds stupid or ridiculous)

and I still think the conclusion is a bit weak, it's some kind of boring, let make the reader read something unique, something unique about you, about your future.

good luck!!!!
OP technogirl 1 / 9  
Mar 9, 2009   #12
thank you guys, especially Kevin and Sean. You guys did a wonderful job for me. You made me much more confident to write this essay. I've just summitted my essay. And one thing I want to ask you is that "Do you think my intro bad? I mean too long and ribald?" One of my friends said that and he really makes me confused.
shine lee 1 / 36  
Mar 9, 2009   #13
yes, maybe you could go to the point directly, I feel that your intro quite long but it's appropriate for the frame of the essay. Hmm, Could you shorten it little bit? It would be great!
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Mar 9, 2009   #14
Well, he should tell you WHY he thinks it is bad? Did he say too long and ribald? I don't think he used the word ribald correctly, because the intro is not ribald. It is not really very long, either.

Maybe I am confused... are you still starting with that saying? What does it look like right now, the most recent draft? Anyway, the photo album thing is great, and it catches the reader's attention.
EF_Sean 6 / 3,491  
Mar 9, 2009   #15
Yeah, ribald is one of the few words in English that really only has one specific meaning, and it most definitely doesn't apply to your introduction at all. Perhaps you misunderstood your friend, or perhaps he is the sort of person you shouldn't be taking essay writing advice from.
OP technogirl 1 / 9  
Mar 10, 2009   #16
Once again, I have to thank you Kevin, Sean. I admit that I'm totally assured about my intro after reading your comments. Even though I had already summit that essay, there is one thing I want to know : do you think my body okay? I mean my 3 achievements, I feel a little bit that they're quite short, should I focus more about that? I just asked that because I hope to get more experience every time I write an essay.

Thank you,
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Mar 10, 2009   #17
To improve it, attend to specificity:
Instead of
It would be the...
and
It would be also the...
you could name "it" each time. That makes the essay stronger. What is "it"? Can you put it in a word or two?

also:
I consider it as my achievement.
how about:
I consider it to be my (add an adjective) achievement.

You can improve your writing with specific words, especially in the important "topic" sentences that start paragraphs. They are like the nails that hold the stuff together.
EF_Sean 6 / 3,491  
Mar 11, 2009   #18
Of course, adding more specific descriptions would make the essay longer, and I seem to recall you were limited to 300 words. If you want extra practice, why don't you try rewriting the essay as if you had no word limit? That would give you room to more fully explore your achievements.
OP technogirl 1 / 9  
Mar 12, 2009   #19
wow, It's a good idea. I will do it and I will post my essay later. thanks


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