"Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations."
This is my second draft of the essay. Please share your thoughts about it!
I recall the putrid stench that danced away from open sewages, the intense sun that caused me to take multiple showers daily, and the clouds of black smoke that escaped the rear of public transportation, memories that I grew up with in the Philippines, a known third-world country. Despite these unfavorable conditions, life there was not as harsh as one might expect, especially in the hands of caring parents.Though they were not with me physically, my parents still supported me from afar, sending my grandparents, who raised my brother and I, money that was earned from their jobs in the United States. Although I had not personally spent the money that they earned, I was presented with necessities such as decent clothing, well-prepared food, and private education. Despite this, and regardless of all their hard work in order to provide basic essentials for me, I was woefully unaware of my parents' difficulties. As far as I knew, they were in the heart of the so-called "Land of Opportunity", where even the poorest had a chance of obtaining the "American Dream". However, I soon discovered that it was not such an easy task.
When my brother and I moved to California, I learned that my parents had been living in a small one-bedroom apartment and worked eight-hour shifts. Every day they came home exhausted and were often burdened with bills that had to be paid for. It was a sobering discovery as I had always thought of manual labor being "easy", as if my parents had been plucking off money that grew on trees. I was ashamed of myself for having been so oblivious, so I promised myself that I would repay them fiftyfold when I became successful. It was a perfect opportunity; my passion for knowledge, which had gradually developed while growing up, was burning, and my dream of contributing to the scientific world, as well as my parents, became apparent.
To achieve these dreams, I knew I had to prepare for the future by excelling in school and enrolling in rigorous classes, so I did. As I progressed through high school, my interest in mathematics and various sciences became more pronounced, and I soon discovered the world of Engineering, where the best of both worlds are perfectly mixed together. Though I am not sure which branch of Engineering I plan to tackle, I aspire to pursue a career in this field, This is the difficult path I have chosen to pave, but I know that the idea of one day being able to support my parents will greatly eclipse the struggle and drive me to success.
Essay is good but needs some work. Many grammar issues and punctuation errors.
Content is pretty good with the exception of the following statement. It makes you seem like you are going to school for the money, which might be true, I would make it more about opportunity.
I was ashamed of myself for having been so oblivious, so I promised myself that I would repay them fiftyfold when I became successful.
Take this out.
Though I am not sure which branch
I aspire to pursue a challenging career in the Engineering field. The idea of one day being able to support my parents and substantiate their migration to the United States drives me to pursue a successful career.
