Prompt: Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
All suggestions and comments will be appreciated!
I was about five at the time, when my dad asked me what sport I wanted to play. I thought hard-well, as hard as a five-year-old could think-and I decided on soccer. No one in my family had ever played the game or understood the rules, but in an attempt to appease his rambunctious son, my dad signed me up. As a 5-year-old kid, I did not fully understand the leap of faith I was making-or how much I would love this sport.
I have spent the majority of my soccer career on defense. I have gone from goalie, to right defender, to stopper. Each position was as important as the last. They all required some amount of the responsibility. Being in these positions required me to: watch the opposing team, anticipate their moves, and never let the ball get past me. The more I preformed my duty, the more responsibility I received on-and off-the field. Everything from: teaching someone to do a bicycle kick, to putting up the nets, to being the team captain was now my responsibility. My leadership roles in soccer have defined my character, as well as, the kind of leader I am today. I learned that leading is not just giving words, leading means showing others by my example.
A good soccer team is like a good building. The goalie is the foundation. The defenders are the doors and windows. The midfielders are the roofing material; and the forwards are the cinder blocks. Separate, they are seemingly useless things found at any hardware store, but when bound together by the cement of their camaraderie, they can become unstoppable.
Architecture has always been a career of interest for me. I find that architects and soccer players are surprisingly similar. Architects often have to collaborate with a group in order to get a design for a particular project completed. If the team of architects does not work together well, the building will not get built. Soccer players are the same way. Once I have heard one of my coaches' say, "A great player is nothing without his teammates." Soccer players must collaborate with their team mates in order to be successful. I use this doctrine in everything I do, especially Student Council. As Student Council Vice President, it is my job to develop and drive the ideas and creativity of twenty-seven other Student Council members, in order to build comprehensive concepts for the school. We work together on tactics and planning. Due to my being driven and responsible, we tend to have great success. I make it a goal of mine to establish a good relationship with every Student Council member, because I am nothing without my team.
I have learned that in order to have success, one must practice with success. I must drive myself, and re-drive myself, to practice until perfect. I have spent countless hours of sweat and determination to get to the level of skill I am at today. Academically, my overall achievement is because of practice. I equate homework to practice and tests to games. In order to do well in the game one must practice. My parents have instilled this ideal in me since birth. I can honestly say that they are a major part of the reason why I value my education so much.
At five years old, I did not know how much I would appreciate it, but my decision to play soccer has been one of the best decisions I have ever made. It has shaped who I am and where I am going in life. It has taught me life lessons in the most abstract of ways; and most of all, soccer has given me the freedom to be myself. For eleven years I have given my life to soccer, and I would gladly give eleven more.
I really like your essay (as a soccer player and right defender/goalie myself) and I like how you connect it to your future major.
Based on your subject (Soccer and Architecture: Match Made in Heaven?) the 2nd paragraph seems like a digression towards the end when you talk about your leadership, and I felt the same way when you went from soccer/architecture using team work to student council. I would consider incorporating some of your description about your positions and each one being important into the metaphor about a team being a building, because the transition between paragraphs 2 and 3 just seems... whatever the opposite of fluid is.
Grammatically when you say "Being in these positions required me to: watch the opposing team, anticipate their moves, and never let the ball get past me." and "Everything from: teaching someone to do a bicycle kick, to putting up the nets, to being the team captain was now my responsibility." the colons aren't necessary. Also I think it should be ...became my responsibility, not was now my responsibility.
"Once I have heard one of my coaches' say"
I would rephrase as "As I once heard one of my coaches say," (and you don't need the ')
Other than those things I really like your essay, and I think you have a nice unique idea.
