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soccer = (me + ball+ friendship) - stress - comfort zone


noemiq 2 / 5 1  
Dec 30, 2014   #1
Briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences.

"Thud!" The first pass of the game is made and, regardless of drama, anger or worry, I sprint to receive it. I dribble up the field, shoving my way through the midfield and passing the soccer ball before the defense steals it. Yes, I have the only ponytail flying a midst buzz cuts, but the comments and sneers do not keep me from making the assist that will later strike a conversation with my younger brother. "Dasela a Jorge! Me tienes atras!" My voice echoes "Give it to Jorge! You have me behind you!" On a regular day I would have never spoken to them, but with adrenaline running through my veins, all boundaries are revoked and by the end of the game they are my friends. I walk away from the field with my mind in order, a closer tie with my brother and a shattered comfort zone.

sodugbesan 2 / 2  
Dec 30, 2014   #2
I think this is a good start, but you need more detail and some grammatical work. Also I would take out the part in the first sentence, "regardless of drama, anger or worry" or move it to somewhere else because it seems a little off-topic.
OP noemiq 2 / 5 1  
Dec 30, 2014   #3
Thank you so much!
Just one quick question. I am not that great with grammar. What do I need to correct, specifically?
SineFine 2 / 7 2  
Dec 30, 2014   #4
Maybe instead of "regardless of drama, anger or worry" (because it sounds a bit awkward) you could put "instinctively". I believe that was what you were going for. Also, there is ambiguity with the statement "Yes, I have the only ponytail flying a midst buzz cuts, but...". I initially read the "Yes" as an exclamation and got confused. Do you think adding a "may" in between "I" and "have" would help? Oh, and I believe you need a comma after "echoes". Aside from that, I get how the "a shattered comfort zone" goes with how you loosened up with "all boundaries revoked" but I recommend a little rewording as this is a bit confusing.
OP noemiq 2 / 5 1  
Dec 31, 2014   #5
Thank you so much guys!
Here is a revised version of the essay.

"Thud!" The first pass of the game is made and I sprint to receive it, allowing my mind to free itself of drama, anger and worry. I dribble, ponytail shoving its way through the sea of buzz cuts; yet, the comments and sneers I get, for being the only girl in the soccer club, do not keep me from making the assist that will draw me closer to my younger brother. "Dasela a Jorge! Me tienes atras!" My voice echoes, "Give it to Jorge! You have me behind you!" With adrenaline running through my veins all boundaries are revoked. Self-set boundaries would have never allowed me to speak to them, but by the end of the game, they become my teammates and close friends. I walk away from the field with my mind in order, a closer tie with my brother and a shattered comfort zone.


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