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'The soccer ball game' - MIT short answer: something you like to do.


calderon 4 / 7  
Nov 12, 2009   #1
We know you lead a busy life, full of activities, many of which are required of you. Tell us about something you do for the pleasure of it. (100 words)

The floor may be grass, mud or concrete. The ball can be a tin can, a tennis ball or any item that can be kicked. The players may be friends, relatives, dogs or even just fences. I may bake in the sun or soak in the rain. I may be nonchalantly kicking an object or playing in a pulsating, hotly contested tournament final. Simply the ability to control the movement of anything without using my hands gives me immense satisfaction. The game has to be soccer- the most popular sport on the planet, at my school, and in my life.

Hey everyone, I could really use some feedback on this. My essay comes up to exactly 100 words (although I didn't realize this until after I finished).
linmark 2 / 328 7  
Nov 13, 2009   #2
Really cool take on soccer. The only part that could be strengthened is to avoid the use of "I may" twice. You can combine the sentences i.e. Whether in the burning sun or soaking rain, nonchalantly kicking... or ...scoring a goal in the final, simply the ability to control. ... gives me satisfaction.
OP calderon 4 / 7  
Nov 13, 2009   #3
Wow thanks linmark, I didn't even realize the word repetition. Now that you mention it your sentence sounds much better. Better proofread my other essays this time...
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Nov 14, 2009   #4
I may bake in the sun or soak in the rain. ----> Great sentence!!

Trim the weeds:
I may be nonchalantly kicking an object or playing in a pulsating, hotly contested tournament. final .
john7777 2 / 4  
Nov 14, 2009   #5
I love soccer too.

One suggestion:
I notice that many of your sentences start with The or I may . Maybe try a little more variety.

Otherwise great essay!!!!:)
sozin817 3 / 8  
Nov 16, 2009   #6
I really like that you added an active voice to this essay. Top colleges are always looking for students who write in such a manner.

Nice essay!


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