Prompt: Everyone belongs to many different communities and/or groups defined by (among other things) shared geography, religion, ethnicity, income, cuisine, interest, race, ideology, or intellectual heritage. Choose one of the communities to which you belong, and describe that community and your place within it. (Approximately 250 words)
I am part of many communities but the most important for me is soccer because it changed the course of my life. Before I turn 11 years old, I did not have any friends beside my neighbors because I was too shy and too quiet. Then I saw the UEFA champions' league final on the television, and one elegant and wonderful player named Zidane caught my eye. He gave me the inspiration to start to play soccer, and after 3 months of playing in my district's streets, I had made 5 friends.it was not a lot, they were only soccer friends but at least a had some friends.at my school, my class soccer coach had seen me play with my friend and decided to take me in his team.in the school team, I made more friends than expected but unfortunately I had to leave my country because of my father's job. I was really sad and anxious about the idea to make new friends in a new country.in my new school, I tried to enter in the soccer team but "old players" did not want me in the team because they wanted their friends instead. The coach made us play a short friendly game between the "old players" and the aspiring to see who can get in the team. After the match some "old players" ask the coach to take me in the team. I was accepted in their team and I had now the opportunity to make friends again. Pressure is the second thing I learned thanks to the soccer.in my country, we used to play school matches with no public except few students, and the coaches.in Senegal, it was completely different. During each game terrace were full of students and family coming see their children play. During the tournament final, the national television was even there. I was not used to that so I at the beginning my games were very bad, but after 4, 5 weeks, I was used to play with people around and the pressure they were exerting on players before and during the game. That is why I love this sport. Not only it is fun and it helped me to socialize with people ,but it also thought me something important to succeed in any job in life, how to deal with pressure.
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feel free to criticize as you want, but be constructive and please help me with any grammar errors because english is not my first language.It makes 395 words, more than allowed so if you can help me to get rid off anything make it shorter it would be nice.
thanks in advance.
I have always struggled with grammar myself, so I do not think I could help you much there sorry. But as far as the content, I do think it is a very solid essay, you make it clear how you got involved in your community how it helped you and its impact on you. Though if I had to criticise something, it would be that besides say that you play on the team and suggesting that you are a new aspiring player, you don't really make clear what your place in the team is. But besides that I thought the content itself was great.
