Feedback, please? Be brutal:)
Prompt: Imagine looking through a window at any environment that is particularly significant to you. Reflect on the scene, paying close attention to the relation between what you are seeing and why it is meaningful to you.
It is far from impressive; at less than a third of the size of a standard soccer field, it doesn't even have the advantage of grass. The goalposts were bent, the ground uneven and dusty, and he sun seemed to take particular pleasure in ferociously shining overhead. There's a lot wrong with the field I played my first home game in- and it still managed to intimidate me.
You could say I played soccer- if nine boys and a girl kicking a ball up and down a deserted lane on weekends could be called soccer. Technically I played street soccer- and I taught myself how to play. Few schools in India let girls play formal soccer, so I never did- until I turned sixteen and moved to a different high school. I wasn't an incompetent player- I could move the ball where I wanted, and I was far from afraid of it- but I didn't know how people really play. None of my technique was right, and I didn't think I could even make the team. I tried out because I didn't think I had anything to lose by it.
One year later, I captained my school team. We haven't lost a game yet.
My diminutive soccer field means a lot to me. It's a symbol of an indomitable spirit, of the victory of the underdog. It represents the failure of not trying, to opportunities I'd miss if I gave up before I start. It's a sign of the futility of fear- it tells me to embrace the unknown. It gives me a heart-warming feeling of accomplishment, of mastery over something I'd thought impossible.
And it shows me that beauty comes in many different packages; you just need to look hard enough for it.
I like your idea of soccer fields and i can feel its significance to you.
Just some suggestions.
"There's was a lot something wrong with the field where I played my first home game in- and it still managed to intimidate intimidated me."
I like this. "You could say I played soccer- if nine boys and a girl kicking a ball up and down a deserted lane on weekends could be called soccer."
Just one minor change: you can say...
Instead of a lot of dashes, I think you should use commas or full stops.
"One year later, I captained my school team. AndWe we haven't lost a game yet since."
Good luck on your Williams application!
The goalposts were
Right here, you switched to past verb tense, but I think you should keep it in the present tense.
In this sentence, it IS okay to use past tense:
There's a lot wrong with the field I played my first home game in -- but
and it still managed to intimidate me.
:-)
Thank you both:)
I like your essay, but I think you haven't fully answered the essay prompt. You need to talk about a "window" through which you are looking at the environment of significance. I can see your passion for soccer, but not the much-needed window.
Maybe you want to write this as a rumination, which can then allow you to add the window. :)
Chetan Singhal
I think I mean the first paragraph to be a description of the environment from my 'window', but I'll try to make that clearer, thanks!
I think it's a really good essay, and i think your ending is strong. But i think that the question asks you to be a little more insightful than what you've shown...
I love the style of this essay. Can't really explain it, but I love your first three sentences describing the field. Contrary to what another poster said, I don't think you actually have to emphasize the fact that you are LITERALLY looking at this through a window, because then you'd really only have one thing to write about - the view outside your window. I'm pretty sure it just means the "window" of memory or something like that. Anyway, I feel like sticking so strictly to the prompt would detract a bit from the flow of your essay, but it's your call :P
Stylistically though, I think it's perfect. Good work
Thank you, Jason and Daniel.
For a bit of background, I wrote this essay after I wrote my common app essay (an uplifting little piece about confronting death) and I couldn't send another piece like that to a college cause, well, I wouldn't let myself. So this may seem a bit superficial, especially in comparison, but that's basically to show a different side to me: especially cause this would have been SO easy to write from a diversity standpoint(writing about how being Indian and American has impacted me) but I didn't want to be just another kid talking about her cultural past. So I think the lack of insight, if you'd call it that, was a conscious decision. But I'll work on it, within the topic(which I don't think I'm quite ready to reconsider yet:P)
Thanks Kevin, it's always great to be appreciated. I don't think I'd do full justice to that right now, but I'll definitely think about it!
I'm not as good as you in analyzing the essays, but I will try anyways :D
You might just write the words as they are, and not use the apostrophe e.g I'd -> I would, It's -> It is. This will prevent you from looking lazy (not that you are, but some adcoms might view it this way).
Other than this, I do not find other grammatical errors (since others already pointed out what I was going to point out)
I really like your introduction! the essay is also succinct - great work! I disagree with some people who commented on this essay - I think you have already given enough insights in your essay. well, at least I can feel its significance to you!
Thanks a lot, I'll go back and change that.:)
I need help(a lot thereof) with the latest essay I posted, and so if anyone will be willing...
In the last paragraph you are a bit too explicit with assigning meaning. Instead of saying "means", "symbol", "represent", and "sign", try to emphasize what you're trying to say. It'll make the audience feel that too, not like they're being told what to feel. As an English teacher of mine says, "show, don't tell".
Thanks a LOT for that, I felt something was a bit off in this and I think you've pointed out what. I'll rewrite the last bit! Thanks again!
