I would very much appreciate any editing/feedback on this essay.
It's just a rough draft obviously, so offer as much [constructive] criticism as you can.
Thanks!
Essay Prompt:
Describe a person or an event that has had a profound effect upon your life.
Essay should be at least one full page in length.
As the sun gleamed across the light blue sky, it occurred to me that this day would remain in my memory forever. Birds chirped relentlessly in their nests, and squirrels scampered across the yard eager to get back to their homes. Mother Nature's gift had no effect on my mood, however. Jealousy boiled in the pit of my stomach, mere animals retained a home to live in endlessly, but not me. When my parents dropped that bomb that we were going to be moving to another town, I felt utterly devastated. I had grown up in Plainville all my life, only to have everything I worked for left behind. No more exhilarating soccer games at Norton Park. No more late night Diary Queen runs with my neighbors. No more bike rides with my family around the school parking lot. I felt like my life expeditiously crumbled to the ground, how could I survive?
Change. It's a common occurrence that can either make or break a person and their achievements in the blink of an eye. In order to overcome a change one must be strong willed and have determination to take a bad situation and make it better. For the past 5 years of my life I have been fighting against an unprecedented change, turning all of the obstacles that came with it into achievements. What had once seemed like a nightmare to me was actually a dream maker, and looking back at the past, I'm glad such an event happened to me.
At first, the thought of moving to a new town at the ripe age of 12 horrified me. I was going to be in a new school with twice as many kids as my old one, but with absolutely no friends. Upon taking tests during the summer that reported whether or not I'd be academically acceptable to go to my new school, I realized that the school system itself also required adjustments. The work load was heavier, and quizzes and tests harder, but I knew that I couldn't let it ruin my life. So, upon entering into 7th grade, I knew it was time to amp up my motivation and become the good student I always was. I spent a lot of my free time catching up on information I hadn't learned in my old town; as it turned out, Simsbury was much more focused on academics than Plainville, so technically I was behind in my studies. I sacrificed a lot in order to ensure I would get good grades, but in the end it paid off. Since my move, I have made honor roll every single year, every single semester. I pushed myself in order to have success, for I didn't want to be left in the dust from moving. Academics weren't the only thing that required sacrifice, however. Athletics in Simsbury were much more competitive too, just as the academics were.
For all of my life in Plainville, I had grown up playing soccer. I had met many of my best friends during that time through sports, and it was a tradition I had hoped to carry on in Simsbury. To my dismay, soccer in Simsbury varied greatly from soccer in Plainville. The girls were much more competitive and fixated on winning rather than having a good time. Although I continued to play soccer in Simsbury through sophomore year in high school, I realized during that summer into junior year that soccer would need to come to an end. It just wasn't the same as in my older town, it was less fun and didn't give me the excitement it used to. After becoming successful in my academics, which was a huge change, I had to confidence to become successful in a change in athletics as well. That summer, I began to learn how to play volleyball. Starting from scratch, I felt clumsy and uncoordinated. It took me days to learn the rules of the game and positions, and weeks just to figure out how to hit the ball straight. I wouldn't allow myself to give up, though. I kept practicing because a change had to happen. Once I knew what I was doing, I decided to it was time to tackle volleyball camp. I signed up for a four day training camp at Uconn, and there I realized how much I love volleyball. I practiced volleyball every single day that summer, running regularly to keep in shape, and getting advice from former players in order to improve my skills. In the end, all of that hard work had paid off. Upon trying out during the beginning of junior year, not only had I made varsity, but I landed myself a starting position as middle hitter as well. Making the volleyball not only boosted my confidence, but I made many great friends through it too. I'm proud of myself for being able to overcome such obstacles, and gaining success because of it.
Change can be one of the scariest things a person has to experience, especially a change as big as moving to another town. It had such a profound affect on my life for it but my knowledge, athletic ability, and perseverance to the test. Since I moved to Simsbury, my academic skills have become stronger, and my capacity for learning more prominent. A change in athletics boosted my confidence because of the positive results, and gave me the idea that I can do anything if I just put time and effort into it. Looking back, I feel like without moving to Simsbury I would be stuck doing the same, boring routine, blending in with my surroundings rather than sticking out in the crowd. I'd be behind on my education, and my career as a soccer player would have gone nowhere. I couldn't be happier for this change, it definitely has turned me into what I am today.
This is pretty much the sort of essay you want. Your writing style is solid, and the content says all sorts of good things about you. It isn't easy to find a way to talk about how you are an honor student and a competitive athlete in an interesting narrative, but you've managed to pull it off. You have some minor grammatical errors here and there that I'm sure others will point out for you, and your concluding few sentences are bit cliche, but you are definitely on the right track.
