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Soccer and players - short answer (for Common App)


rosemarimalu 3 / 13  
Nov 24, 2011   #1
Topic: Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences in the space below (150 words max).

It is not just the November breeze, the bright luminescent lights overhead, or the packed stadium filled with caring parents and school-spirited friends; to me, soccer is a doorway that leads to adventure. With each step I imagine myself as a gazelle galloping through the African Sahara advancing my way towards the prized watering hole. As I meander my way between the trees I remember that I also have my family to take care, my team to support. And with one majestic yet forceful kick, I send the ball flying and it lands within striking distance of my teammate. Just in time I lift my head and witness the fluttering of the net and hear the melodious uproar from the stadium: I knew we scored. In response, as I sprint up with excitement to congratulate each player I realize what it really means to be a part of a team.

Any criticism is encouraged! Thanks. :)
raphael0729 4 / 8  
Nov 24, 2011   #2
Wow. Impressive paragraph! The gazelle analogy was a little far-fetched, but I think you made it work for your paper! The only grammar thing I'm not too sure about (and trust me, you're grammar/vocabulary is way better than most of the people who's paper's I've edited was) is the use of a colon at the end. Try this instead:

"...hear the melodious uproar from the stadium. I knew we scored."

Also, take out the "In response" from that last sentence. Try:

"I sprint up with excitement to congratulate each player and I realize what it really means to be a part of a team.
OP rosemarimalu 3 / 13  
Nov 24, 2011   #3
Thanks so much Raphael! I will definitely take your comments into consideration!! :)
maroon5 9 / 57  
Nov 25, 2011   #4
Really vivid and lively writing.I recommened you do use the colon and not change it...a colon indicates a close realtionship between two sentences which is present between the two sentences concerned.Also i agree with raphael that the gazelle analogy is inappropriate. You are not really telling us anything about your sense of community and team spirit(which i assume is ur main point here) through the gazelle comparision. I suggest that you come up with a better analogy...sorry for not being able to provide you with one.
OP rosemarimalu 3 / 13  
Nov 25, 2011   #5
Thanks Junaid! I appreciate your comments! :)
aerielm 6 / 14  
Nov 25, 2011   #6
That's really descriptive and well written, good job! I just saw a few grammatical errors worth revising..

As I meander my way between the trees I remember that I also have my family to take care ofand my team to support.

But other than that, its pretty darn good!
desm2012 6 / 36  
Nov 25, 2011   #8
"As I meander my way between the trees"

^ I wouldn't use meander or trees, because that makes it seem like getting to the prized watering hole isn't a challenge, and that scoring a goal is like taking a stroll through the park. Maybe something like "sprinting through the tall grasses" because that goes better with the gazelle analogy.
OP rosemarimalu 3 / 13  
Nov 25, 2011   #9
Hi Frances,
I agree with you; I really like your analogy.
Thanks for the help! :)
bxlnt 1 / 5  
Nov 25, 2011   #10
This is a really good essay! I enjoyed the descriptive language, though I do agree with the changes above. Nice job, really!
bballkings15 1 / 7  
Dec 11, 2011   #12
rosemari this is reaaaally good!!! I can easily tell your a good writer. I wish my basketball short answer could be as descriptive and well-constructed as this haha
OP rosemarimalu 3 / 13  
Dec 11, 2011   #13
Thanks so much bballkings! Just keep working at it :)


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