I'm not sure how long this should be, but mine is 600 words. Any feedback would be very much appreciated. Thanks!!
Sweat trickled down my face and I wheezed and coughed with every breath. I immediately stopped running and tried to catch my breath. I looked up and saw my teammates turn a corner and forever disappear into the distance. I had only run a quarter of a mile. When the rest of my teammates finished the mere two mile run, they had to wait for me to start practice. As I returned to the field several minutes after they had arrived, I felt disappointed in myself. How could I have become so out of shape? In reality, I was not just out of shape, I was overweight and it was destroying my ability to play soccer.
Soccer has always been my passion. During summer vacations, I attended soccer camps and I had soccer practices and games three days a week. I really enjoyed summer soccer as it is when middle schoolers and incoming freshmen have the opportunity to practice with the varsity team. I loved being able to help the younger kids get accustomed to high school soccer. It was a great way for them to get out of their shell and feel more confident heading into high school. Having met freshmen through summer soccer, I was able to help the girls during school, whether they had difficulty finding a classroom or opening their locker. I felt that my small acts of kindness and leadership went a long way. The little bits of encouragement I gave, as well as some constructive criticism, really helped the kids improve. My role on the soccer team was always to support my teammates and to bring us together during times of adversity. Though I was always proud of this role, for my senior year I wanted not only a presence off the field, but on the field, as well.
Last summer while I rejuvenated terminally ill kids while volunteering at a local hospital, worked on a commercial fishing boat in New Jersey, and did a team presentation on gold nanoparticles in tumor detection at an engineering program, I awakened bright and early every morning to go running. I decided to run twenty-five miles a week in preparation for the upcoming soccer season. After three years of sitting on the bench and finishing last on every team run, I needed to make a change. Even though I despised running, I ran through the pain, the sweat, and the wheezing and coughing. By the end of the summer, I came to really enjoy running. Eventually, it became an escape from stress. Running gave me a time for myself and a time for me to clear my mind. When the regular season began in September, I was still nervous about the two mile team run. The first day of the season, as I tied my shoes and got ready to start, I was nervouse of how I would do this time around. After a quarter of a mile in, I was delightfully surprised. Sweat was not dripping down my face and I was not wheezing or coughing. As my teammates turned the corner and disappeared into the distance, so too did I. I returned to the field with the rest of my teammates. No longer did my team have to sit and wait for me. No longer did I have to feel disappointed in myself. No longer was I overweight. This fall, as my team reached the state semifinal game, further than we had ever gone in the playoffs, I was able to play a pivotal role, both off and on the field.
Hi.
I think you really had a meaningful summer discovering your passion and your role in your own community. From this essay, I can tell that you are a very kind person who likes reaching out to help people to improve and at the same time improving yourself.
I never thought of answering this prompt in the format of an essay and I have already submitted my application last night. mm...
All the best!
G L~
According to Strunk and White, you should use a comma for a compound sentence:
Sweat trickled down my face, and I wheezed and coughed with every breath.
This sentence does not need a comma because it is not a compound sentence:
I immediately stopped running and tried to catch my breath. ---It would be a compound sentence if you wrote "I" again in the second half.
hyphen: two-mile
You have some very well-structured sentences:
Having met freshmen through summer soccer, I was able ...
You used while twice, awkwardly:
Last summer while I rejuvenated terminally ill kids while ...rejuvenated is probably not the best word, either.
:-)
