I have two possible essays for the prompt: "define a contribution/achievement that you are proud of." I am unsure which one is better, and how I can improve either of them. Any help would be greatly appreciated!
1st Essay
Soccer is a major part of my life, and playing soccer since I was 7 has greatly influenced some of my attitudes about life and how I see myself. Consequently, one of my most memorable and important experiences and accomplishments involved the game of soccer.
In my sophomore year I played starting goalkeeper for the varsity soccer team at my high school. I was very nervous playing with mostly older players and in a position that could change the outcome of every game. Our team was very good, with many players making appearances in newspapers because of their talent, and our hard work in training translated to easy wins in most games. The only team we did not defeat during the league was Coronado High School, and we ended up sharing the League Champion title with them after the season, something we cringed about. Coronado became our new rival, and we were ready to play them again in CIF playoffs.
The pressure and importance of the playoff games was much greater than our previous games. Playing in single-elimination playoffs meant winning every game, or it would be your last game. "Play this game like it is your last" became an important phrase. The CIF title for our division in California was at stake. We played against tough teams and won every game leading up to the final, against our new rival, Coronado High School.
I was extremely nervous for the final, and that week trained hard with my team to prepare for the game. It was a tough game, but in the end our mental and physical preparation provided us with the upset, a 4-0 blowout. The game was almost entirely psychological, my team playing against the odds, and Coronado fighting to turn their hard work all season into a title of their own. My team scored first, shocking everyone, and putting Coronado on their heels in a way they had not experienced all season long. With our new momentum and emotions running high, the rest of the goals came easy for us. Coronado had many attacks on my goal, and like my teammates, I made sure to do my job and make the right saves. Though it was a team effort, I am proud of the shutout I helped provide to make the game so decisively in our favor. Finally, with the last whistle blown, we had won the CIF championship, the best title in soccer I had achieved.
Though the actual CIF Champion title and winning that final was a very important achievement for me, the entire season as a whole experience stands out more. In that season alone I learned what it means to be a team player, a leader, to sacrifice for a team, and to work hard to achieve what I desire the most. Soccer has always taught me important lessons that I can apply to life in general, and this season reiterated many of these lessons. I will always remember my sophomore season, not just because of the formal title achievements, but because of the hard work paying off and the lessons influencing who I am today.
2nd essay
As the striker stepped back to take the penalty kick, I planted my feet on the ground. I watched in anticipation as she ran up to the ball and watched it fly towards the goal in slow motion, guessing which direction it will go. Though I have played goalkeeper for 10 years, nothing I did then would have changed the motion of the ball soaring towards the goal. Only the hard work I had done in the weeks prior could affect it, because the goalkeeper in goal was a player I coached.
I started coaching for AYSO recreational league soccer in my freshman year, as an assistant to a former coach of mine, Wayne. Wayne understood my passion and knowledge of the game, and I was more than happy to help him and his team, specifically his goalkeeper, Destinee. Wayne's players were under 11, so with this in mind, I approached the players with the goal of making their training fun enough that they keep playing.
Destinee had some experience as a keeper, but at her young age I still had to start with the basics and keep training with her consistently enough that everything stuck. I committed myself to the team and Destinee, and tried to make training fun for them while still making sure they were performing well in games. I was a role model for the girls, and their great attitudes kept me going to every training session.
At one of the first practices, I asked Destinee if she knew how to stop a penalty kick. She honestly replied that she thought they were impossible. I worked with her at the end of each practice on penalty kicks, teaching her the angles of the striker's approach and how to read where the ball will go before it is kicked.
During weeks of training in the basics of goalkeeping and stopping penalty kicks, I watched her gradually get better and consequentially more confident as a goalkeeper. The team had games every weekend, and I saw every weekend how much the time I had put in for Destinee had made her better and better every week. Of course none of her progress would be possible without her hardworking attitude and commitment to training, but I still developed a sense of pride in Destinee.
Finally, in one of the last games of the season, Destinee had a clear-cut opportunity to show her progress. It was an important game, and the team was winning by one goal. The referee called a penalty kick, and Destinee had to make the save to keep her team ahead. I watched her get ready for the shot the way I taught her and thought about how she had told me that penalty kicks were impossible. The shot was taken, and Destinee made a diving save to the corner to deny the goal. As I heard sighs of relief on my side of the field and loud groans on the other, I realized I was the loudest one cheering. It was great seeing Destinee excel in something that she could not imagine attempting only a month ago.
From this experience I learned that contributing to your community, however selfless the contribution, has a reward in itself when you know that you have helped someone else. I felt proud of Destinee and myself, and I still coach the team whenever possible.
This whole intro is boring and not necessary:
Soccer is a major part of my life, and playing soccer ... game of soccer.
The first essay tells about an experience of success, but the story is not original... it needs to be summed up in ONE paragraph, and then the majority of the essay should be about the insights you gained and how the strengths you used in soccer will help you in college and in your career.
The second essay is much better, much more interesting and meaningful. I am impressed! But like the first essay, it needs more discussion of the truth, the insight that you gained... how will this experience affect your decision about a college major?
:-)
