Unanswered [5] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Undergraduate   % width Posts: 4

"Soccer is my teacher"-does my essay convey this for Common App Short


kamron2011 1 / 1  
Sep 29, 2010   #1
Could someone please read my short essay for Common App and give feedback. The essay is at 153 words currently. I wasn't sure how to shorten it. Does it convey what I have learned from soccer and how it has developed me? Thanks!!

Prompt: Elaborate on one extracurricular activity or work experience

As captain of my soccer team, I shout "Play hard, play smart, have fun". I then lead the team onto the field, and I get the usual stares. At six foot, five inches and weighing two hundred and forty pounds most people assume I should play basketball instead of soccer. However, despite my height soccer has been my passion and teacher for the past ten years. When I am on the field I push my body to new physical skill and endurance levels. I can let my mind drift from the stress of school or a fight with girlfriend. Due to soccer I have traveled and experienced other cultures in the United States and in Europe. When on the field, a player's socioeconomic class or ethnicity does not matter. Soccer has given me confidence as a leader to motivate and criticize. My time management skills have been perfected and long lasting friendships formed.

Kamron

shofa_nefertete 12 / 35  
Sep 29, 2010   #2
"Play hard, play smart, have fun". -----> have fun."

At six foot, five inches and weighing two hundred and forty pounds (not parallel) most people ------> Standing six foot and five inches and weighing ....

have been perfected and long lasting friendships formed (be consistent with tense)
OP kamron2011 1 / 1  
Sep 30, 2010   #3
Thank you for reading my essay. I will make the changes.

Does anyone else have advice. I am worried it sounds boring. I know I could write something better if I had more space and time.

Cameron
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,334 129  
Oct 3, 2010   #4
As captain of my soccer team, I shout "Play hard, play smart, have fun". I then lead the team onto the field, and I get the usual stares.

Move this sentence to the end of the essay and read it; see how you like it that way.

fight with girlfriend. --- missing a word here.

If you move that sentence, I think it will be great! The ideas you express are cool. If soccer is your teacher, though, you must be able to think of a sentence about how it gives you insight about your intended field/career.


Home / Undergraduate / "Soccer is my teacher"-does my essay convey this for Common App Short