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"a social butterfly" - UC help I'm not sure if i'm headed in the right direction


Zoopal93 1 / 3  
Nov 11, 2010   #1
I am a social butterfly. With many people entering and leaving my life, I have been able to single out the good, and get rid of the bad. All my friends have influenced me in one way or another and made me who I am today. So when I began high school, I found it important to find the true friends who would motivated me and encourage me to do my very best in all that I do. As each of us go our different ways, I've had to focus on what I wanted and what was best for me, find the path that I want and find others who would join me on the path to success. During my freshman year I decided to try something new, join the softball team at school. As tryouts were held, and I made new friends, I was enjoying my first softball experience. I made the team and started practicing right away. What brought my team together was the drive to win the league championship. Everyone worked hard and focused their energy on playing hard and winning. Through my team experience, I have learned the value of teamwork. I have learned that as an individual you sometimes have to sacrifice for the good of the team. Learned discipline from going to practice everyday and being there for my team to support them even when I didn't feel like going. .I can relate this to my social life because this is what I looked for in my friends, a drive we all had to focus our energy into succeeding in all that we do. My friends have shape my dreams and aspirations by guiding me to seek a high level of education and staying on the right path.

arsenal123 3 / 5  
Nov 13, 2010   #2
This is the first UC prompt right? I think that the main thing you are missing here is what your dreams and aspirations actually are. I know you said at the end "A higher level of education" but that is a little to general. It does not have to be super specific, but maybe a general idea of what your interested in. Remember, the essay readers want to know more about you. Be specific.

Hope this helps
ljeanb - / 1  
Nov 13, 2010   #3
"Staying on the right path" and "a higher level of education" isn't exactly what they're looking for. I suggest, if you're stuck, try writing out each part of the prompt. Figure out the answers to each question before you start writing. Otherwise, you'll just be writing with no purpose and it won't be what they're looking for.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,334 129  
Nov 20, 2010   #5
I am a social butterfly. ---I don't think it is good to begin the essay with an overused cliche.

Verb tense: As each of us go our different ways, I've ha I have to focus on what I wanted want and what was is best for me, find the...

During my freshman year I decided to try something new, join the softball team at school. ---When you say this, it seems completely unrelated to the rest of what you have been saying.

.I can relate this to my social life because this is what I looked for in my friends---oh, I see! I was wrong. You did a great job of explaining this. But I think you should express this idea both at the beginning of the essay AND at the end.

:-)


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