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Soft-spoken (Stanford Roommate Essay)

Lydmeister 6 / 17  
Oct 20, 2013   #1
This is a really rough start to my roommate essay for Stanford. I'm not really sure where to go from here, what else to include, etc. Any suggestions/improvements would be much appreciated!

Sometimes I can be so quiet it's obnoxious. Introversion is one of my most apparent characteristics. I know this often makes me seem standoffish and even rude. One of my greatest fears is that I will come off as apathetic, but while I may seem to be uninterested in reality I am simply focused on taking in as much as I can and processing this information. It is a struggle, even for me, to accept my quiet nature, when it can make both myself and others so uncomfortable. However, I believe that because I spend more time thinking than sharing I am able to observe more effectively and make better decisions. Though I speak less, what I do say is taken more seriously because I take more time to form my thoughts. The fewer close relationships I develop are more carefully cultivated and thus treasured.
Phoebe Africa 3 / 36 6  
Oct 22, 2013   #2
Is there honestly no other side to you? If there is, then mention it! Ideally Stanford is looking for 'round' people, so you don't want to come off as being too nerd-like(what's the point of being smart if you only share it at precious moments?)

But on the other hand, I think its very brave of you to be so upfront about your introverted nature, it shows how self-aware you are.

Now, with that said, try thinking around how your quiet manner could be of great AND unique benefit to your roommate and the Stanford community

Ps: I'd advice that you do not refer to things such as "Standoffish", I may be thinking too far here, but the people reading your essay want to know that you chose Stanford because you genuinely feel that you have a lot too offer to their community, not because you see yourself as "Standoffish"
haru1996 3 / 4 2  
Oct 24, 2013   #3
I'm exactly the same hehe. But I agree with the comment above. I'm sure there is more to you than just your quiet nature. What are you like in different environments? Are there any activities that you enjoy that bring out a different side?
EpsilonDelta 2 / 2 1  
Oct 24, 2013   #4
I have to agree with the other commentators.. while I see what your are trying to accomplish, I believe you are going about it the wrong way. Words like "obnoxious", "rude" and "standoffish" are not appealing and are quite harsh.

Instead of "obnoxiously quiet" try to say you are "reserved."

While this is a roommate letter, being painfully honest does have its downsides.

My 2 cents.
OP Lydmeister 6 / 17  
Oct 25, 2013   #5
I agree with all of you. There's almost no way to write this without sounding obscenely negative. It's just not a winner I guess. This one is completely different. I think the topic is much better, but I'm not sure it's really up to snuff either. Any more help would be super awesome!

Thanks in advance!

Dear Roommate,
I am unpredictable. My interests are about as eclectic as it gets. Most of my peers may know me as a biology nerd, but this doesn't even begin to encompass who I am. While I do like to get my nerd on more often than not, I have a very eccentric creative side. I love art, namely drawing, painting, and compulsively sketching doodles throughout the margins of my class notes. I enjoy K-pop and punk rock music. I adore baking (one of the comforts of home I'll miss most), so you'll probably often find me experimenting with the microwave to satisfy my sweet treat cravings. One week I'll be a fashionista and the next sweatpants are religion. I'm shy and reserved, but there are days I'll talk your ear off if you don't stop me. When you walk into our dorm room at the end of the day you can expect the unexpected. But bear with me and maybe you'll get a microwave "cake in a cup" or two out of your eccentric roommate.

Looking forward to out adventures!
Ro4 9 / 21  
Oct 25, 2013   #6
lydmeister, i like your most recent essay better than the first. I think you should go with that one.
Phoebe Africa 3 / 36 6  
Oct 26, 2013   #7
I think its a lovely essay, but does little to show your command over the English language.

Descriptions such as: ". My interests are about as
eclectic as it gets" and " "While I do like to get my
nerd on more often than not" make the essay pretty boring, I think your essay could do with a lot more personality.

You give us a list of mostly expected interest or ones that aren't really jaw dropping, which doesn't correlate with your bold opening line-"I am unpredictable".

Well, prove it then! What is most unpredictable about you? Can you zoom in your essay into just 2 or 3 qualities about you that are truly unpredictable, but also intriguing and then go into a deep discussion about that? As opposed to listing a few-okay-things.

This is a great start though! But get ready to rewrite a million times(just a year ago, I was in your shoes-and besides having to continuously rewrite all my essays, it all worked out well in the end!)

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