Hi i would like to have someone review my essay for rutgers...my prompt is : Rutgers University is a vibrant community of people with a wide variety of backgrounds and experiences. How would you benefit from and contribute to such an environment? Consider variables such as your talents, travels, leadership activities, volunteer services, and cultural experiences. Only personal essays submitted via our website will be considered.
Born and raised in New York, I have been exposed to a pulsating diversity that would be similar to that of Rutgers University. I am an Indian by the country where my parents emigrated from and certain beliefs but various cultures have influenced me. From my diverse clique of friends I learned about Christmas, Kwanzaa and Hanukkah while they learned about Diwali, the festival of lights. This has helped to conform me into an enlightened student who takes pleasure in getting involved in the community and different types of clubs. Also, just as I have become aware of miscellaneous holidays, I wish to benefit likewise about different cultures and be a part of the community at Rutgers. While getting involved at Rutgers I would like to pursue my dream of being a software engineer.
To further develop my constantly growing passion for computers and technology, I utilize my knowledge in volunteering to help pursue my dream of making my community a better one. I partake in clubs such as REBEL (Reaching Everyone By Exposing Lies) and S.A.D.D. (Students Against Destructive Decisions.Other than clubs, to give back to my culture, one day out of my weekend is donated to the Hindu Temple. In order to inculcate inside youthful children the same virtues of the Hindu religion that make me so devoted to my country today, I volunteer as an educator. My talents of graphic designing, motivational speaking, and writing can help me contribute to the clubs available at Rutgers University. I would also like to get more students involved in clubs so that environment inside Rutgers campus grows strong and stays active.
What makes Rutgers community such a phenomenal one is the fact that it has people of many distinct backgrounds, which makes it an enticing college to be a member of. Being amongst a variety of students diverse in their own beliefs, interests and cultural experiences can assist me in building a better character for myself. Each religion and culture has many different morals that are worthy of adapting into our daily lives. With the 400 different cultural clubs and organizations Rutgers has to offer, it makes it easy to learn from racial, ethnic or social groups that have a mutual assortment of practices, attitudes, values, customary beliefs and goals. I hope to increase the organization count by introducing new clubs on the history of my culture.Just by applying my leadership skills developed from my invaluable experience as a volunteer, I plan on sharing and demonstrating these skills amongst the Rutgers society.
Software engineering has always been a profession that has interested me since the first time my parents purchased a computer for me. With the challenging courses at the School of Engineering in New Brunswick, I can prepare well for my future career and interact with individuals with the same incentive. A sense of understanding and benevolence is created by collaborating amongst these diverse scholars. Since this college is known for being one of the best engineering schools in the Tri-State area, pursuing my Masters Degree in the computer engineering field would be ideal. Having Rutgers as my choice of college to graduate from can increase my chances of having a successful career in a corporate business or company.
Attending Rutgers University has always been a main priority all throughout my early high school years. It is a great institution where my fascination of other ethnic celebrations, languages, and cultural history can be suppressed by joining many different organizations and commencing some of my own. Creating diversity can enhance the Rutgers population while giving an exceptional educational experience and by this same diversity, I would wish to further contribute to and benefit from it.I look forward to immersing myself with various cultures and religions to amplify my knowledge of ethnicities other then my own.
Overall, I think your essay has good substance, but I did notice that it isn't as cohesive as it could potentially be. A few suggestions:
1. Maybe you could say more about your wish to become a software engineer in the first paragraph instead of just sticking in one sentence at the end. Like, balance it more with the talk about diversity.
2. Your second paragraph seems to merely list down your activities without really being specific on any of them. Perhaps you could focus on one of them in particular throughout your essay and link them to diversity and software engineering somehow...?
3. In the last paragraph -
Attending Rutgers University has always been a main priority throughout my high school years. It is a great institution where my fascination with other ethnic celebrations, languages, and cultural history can be expressed by joining many different organizations and commencing some of my own.
If you're going to talk about software engineering, I think you should include something about that in your conclusion, or else it seems stuck in. I'm not sure how much this helps, but I hope it will make some difference. Good luck! Also, if possible, I'd be grateful if you could offer advice on my own essay too.
Here are some corrections:
Born and raised in New York (City?), I have been exposed to a pulsating diversity similar to that which can be found at Rutgers University.
What makes Rutgers community such a phenomenal one is the fact that it has people of many distinct backgrounds, which makes it an creates an atmosphere enticing to a...
...immersing myself in various cultures and religions to amplify my knowledge of perspectives other than my own.
