Personal Statement Prompt: Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?
Most kids my age want to get their drivers license and be envied by others. But if you hand me my monthly bus pass, I'm good to go. Whether I have a destination in mind or not, solitary bus rides act as temporary escapes from daily pressures. They are often seen as simply a form of transportation, but to me they are much more. Bus rides provide a sense of tranquility and often lead me to odd and quirky adventures.
Each bus ride is unique in its own way, but they always help me relax. In an odd way, it's my form of meditation. Images flying past me are numbing and the noise that surrounds me forms a monotonous buzz that I can easily ignore. Then my thoughts begin to wander, sometimes of school and homework to the outside scenery or sometimes even a blank nothingness.
Some early mornings, I wake up to the sleeping sun and head out to take the bus to school. A dark sky acts as the usual backdrop for my early bus rides but as I make my way to school, the sun slowly rises and the outside scenery transforms completely into a sky painted with the various colors of a sunrise. Mornings like that provide some peace and quiet before I delve into noisy hectic school days.
Then there are other bus rides where I have no destination in mind and simply want to explore San Francisco. With its various scenery, diverse neighborhoods, and multicultural people, I can never get bored living in a city like this one. The bus rides act as personal tour guides, bringing me to all the different nooks and crannies of this city, making it my own little ever-changing museum, but somehow it still manages to stay the same. Often, these bus rides turn into adventures in and of itself.
One time I was riding the bus to a friend's birthday party, but the ride there was so long that I began to stare out the bus windows and zone out. In the middle of this, a middle-aged man boarded the bus and sat across from me, blocking my view of the outside scenery and causing me to feel frustrated and disappointed. A moment later, the man began to point and talk to me. I felt hesitant in responding to a complete stranger but he seemed friendly and harmless. We talked about various cities ranging from San Francisco to New York and Chicago. Though a brief conversation, he told me about immigration life in New York and certain must see sites in Chicago while I told him about places in San Francisco. After he got off the bus several stops later, I had a history lesson and a mental tour, all from a man who blocked my view.
Its a great story, but you should focus less on the actual experience and more on the effects it has on you. Especially with the third paragraph, where you tell a story and then don't elaborate further as to how it affected you, and why you thought it was important enough to mention in your essay.
I like the idea you came up with, its very unique. Its a great start too, you just need to develop your thoughts a bit further and it will be a solid essay.
Some minor stuff I found.
One time I was riding the bus to a friend's birthday party, but the ride there was so long that I began to stare out the bus windows and zone out. (Omit "there")
In the middle of this, a middle-aged man boarded the bus and sat across from me, blocking my view of the outside scenery and causing me to feel frustrated and disappointed. (it is already implied in the previous sentence you were looking outside. Omit this)
They are often seen as simply a form of transportation, but to me they are much more. (Omit "simply")
Then my thoughts begin to wander, sometimes of school and homework to the outside scenery or sometimes even a blank nothingness. (This sentence is confusing, not to sure what you meant. Revise this to make your thoughts clearer. This is also a chance for you to show your creativity so use imagery and emotion to make your thoughts come alive like you did in the second paragraph.)
Hope this helps :] Good luck.
The bus rides act as personal tour guides, bringing me to all the different nooks and crannies of this city, making it my own little ever-changing museum. B ut somehow it still manages to stay the same. -it was too long a sentence.
All I could say was wow! I loved it! Kept the focus on the bus rides and the words you choose made the images come to life. I think this is one of the few good papers I have read. Great job!!!
odd and quirky adventures.
Nice! I love it already. This essay has something others don't -- a cool theme that draws my attention.
Challenge for Wendy: add one imagery word to the first paragraph.
Some early mornings, I wake up to the sleeping sun and ----in this paragraph, you have some imagery but not a lot of meaning.. just description.
At the end of the essay, and in that para I mentioned above... I think you should add some MEANING about "who you are." Who you are is someone going to college for a purpose. So connect your bus meditation to your college meditation, and the reader will be very impressed and persuaded.
:-)
