Hello everyone!
This is the rough draft of my essay.
can anyone please give me advice on grammar and the structure of this essay? Thanks you so much
Essay prompt: Tell us a story from your life, describing an experience that either demonstrate your character or helped to shape it.
Of all the experiences that I have gone through in high school, volunteering at ESL class and meeting Mamo from Somalia influenced me the most. Before I met Mamo I was unmotivated and lacked confidence in myself. I was selfish and did not believe that I have the ability to engage myself in the society to make a difference. I did not engage myself in school because I didn't understand the importance of learning. I had everything that I needed in my life, and I took it for granted. I did not bother to pay attention to others' lives. In fact, I was afraid of accepting changes and exploring the world that is beyond my comfort zone. However, Mamo and his life story not only inspired me to appreciate everything that I have in my life, but also to realize that one person is capable of making a difference in the world.
Volunteering was not relevant to my interests in the past. I had to complete certain amount of community service hours in order to graduate. I applied to volunteer as a teacher assistant at ESL class in Boise State University which was specifically set up for refugee students. When I could spend my afternoon playing video games, the idea of dedicating my time for some students that I have never met before was not so pleasant, but I thought 'Why not try, I have gone through the lingual and cultural barriers that these students are facing when I moved to US from Korea. We have that in common. I can do this. Most of the students barely spoke English and some of them did not even know how to hold pencils properly. Among those students, Mamo became the most affiliated with me. Mamo was the most hard working and motivated student. He was always cheerful and was eager to learn; he was always positive. I remember him saying "Thank you teacher" every time I helped him; in fact, it sounded rather "Tank you" than "Thank you." Indeed, Mamo's English was very poor, but strangely it was never a problem for us to communicate. His cheerful and positive attitude made me smile every time and I could not wait for another class to assist. I helped him from learning alphabets, writing his own name with correct spelling to reading children's novel together. Clearly, he was improving and he was not the only one leaning in that place. I realized that he was giving me lessons that took me seventeen years to accept. I was making a difference in Mamo's life as he was to mine.
In Somalia, Mamo and his family lived everyday life under the fear of violence and oppression from the civil war. Some of his family members died and were wounded from bombing. Life was an endless chain of misfortune. He was fortunate enough to escape Somalia and move to US as a refugee. He pulled his pants up to his knees, trying to show me something. His legs took me off guard; they were uncoordinated and abnormally slender that they looked almost as thick as my forearms. He starred his legs for a while. At that moment I was at loo for words. But then, he looked up and smiled, saying that these wounds remind him how lucky he is now to live safely and peacefully. He also expressed expectation for the education he would be receiving in America. I still remember the moment Mamo said about his dream. Mamo, though too old and faced with many adversities, never gave up his dream of getting a degree in international relationship and contributing to world peace. After listening to his stories, I was stunned and felt ashamed of myself, and I realized how foolish I was; Believing that I can't change anything, I had been complaining about my situation, which was nothing compared to Mamo's.
Stars shine even more brightly in the darkness. Mamo lost everything but held his hopes high and never gave up reaching out for something better. I was selfish and did not believe in myself; now I know how worthy it is to share what I have with another and how it can influence me to mature as a person. Volunteering at ESL class for refugee students and meeting Mamo inspired me to perceive the world beyond my comfort zone. I want to continue challenging myself with higher education. As Mamo changed me, I want to be someone else's Mamo and share my knowledge with the community. I know that I am capable of making a difference in the world and I am not afraid to challenge myself to do so.
I like the message a lot, it really adressesses the prompt well.
Try not to answer the prompt so directly in the first scentence.
"I was selfish and did not believe that I have the ability to engage myself in the society to make a difference"- I was selfish takes away from focus of this, the preceeding, and following scentence
Make sure the rest of the essay flows, some ideas seem to be interjected in where they shouldn't be, however,
I helped him from learning the alphabets , to writing his own name with correct spelling toand reading children's novels together- Together at the end seems to come out of nowhere.
He starred Stared at? his legs for a while. At that moment I was at alooloss for words.
He also expressed expectationanticipation for the education he would be receiving in America.
I still remember the moment Mamo saidspoke about his dream.
though too old and faced with many adversities,
You have a great message here, make some more changes and make sure it flows, then your excellent ending will shine through well.
I feel like you have a really nice message, but you're not going about it in the right way.
First of all, don't say ESL. The reader may not know what it is, and it sorta makes you look unprofessional. Also, you don't have to spend such a long time bashing how you were before you met Mamo. Focus more on what you got from him, and it should be clear that you have changed from the experience.
One way to grab attention may be to start with his story. Talk about the pain he felt, the scars he got, and how he decided to become a happy person. Present him as a subject. Then go into how you met him and he inspired you to do the same.
Also, the fact that you came over from Korea and had to learn English is enormous. It deserves more than a passing mention. You may either want to expand on it or leave it out altogether.
Overall, like I said, I love this idea and I feel like it can really be a good essay. Just work at it a little longer!
