I would appreciate any advice and constructive criticism.Thank you. :)
Common application :Topic of your choice
The American Dream
When I first discovered that I was going to the United States for 6 months for an exchange program, the only thing I could think of was that my American dream is about to come true. Who would have ever thought that a small town girl like me, would ever step foot in America. After hours of filling in forms, applying for a visa and enduring pain from the long needles to get vaccinated, I was set to go to America. A few days before I left, I found out that I was to be hosted in Minnesota. When my parents ...
and after edits:
She approached me under the gray skies of Pipestone, with a twinkle in her eye and a welcoming smile across her face. She said "Hello." I managed to squeeze out a small,"Hi Mom "as I hugged her back. I stepped into the car with the rest of my new family. Throughout the ride back home, I observed and listened quietly. The way they spoke seemed alien to me, I was feeling a little disoriented due to the jet lag and the cold outside was piercing my skin. Is this how I was supposed to feel on my first day as an exchange student?"I wondered. We reached my new "home" and my host family showed me my room. As I looked outside the window, I was greeted by the sight of a rather small oak tree and sidewalks filled with snow. "We will go to school on Monday to get you registered," said "Mom". I snapped out of my daydream. "Okay," I replied nervously, trying to sound enthusiastic.
During the first few weeks of high school, I felt somewhat lost. Finding the right classes were the initial challenge I had to overcome. Fortunately, there were a few kind souls who were willing to help me out when I was lost in the middle of the hallways. With only three hundred students in school, I found it difficult to make friends as they all seemed rather tight knit. I grew up during my youth years being quiet and only mingling among my circle of friends. However, I slowly started opening up and began participating in school activities. Joining the school choir and school play, I made friends that were very much different from whom I am. This brought me to a turning point in my conversations as they truly made me speak my mind without fear of judgments or any other. It was a true transition like from a bottle out to the open air.
Before I came to America, I never played sports. I refused to join any sports in school, simply because I was afraid people would make fun of me. Being fifteen miles away from my American high school, made me do something that I could not believe until today. I joined my school's softball team, the best softball team in the section with extremely brilliant softball players. Here I am a person who did not even know what softball is all about. Turns out, I was the worst player in the team. I did not even know how to hold a bat. To my surprise, the girls in the team were more than happy to help me out. They would cheer me on and they never gave up on me. Then one day, the coach decided to put me in one of the games. I immediately froze. I was the first one to hit in that inning. All I could see was the pitcher and the ball. Then everything happened in a split second. I swung as hard as I could and felt the ball hit the bat. I let go of the bat and ran as fast as I could for first base, and I managed to reach base on time. At that moment, my coach and teammates was the proudest people in the world. They were cheering and my coach was jumping up and down. When I managed to reach home base plate, every single one ran out to give me a hug. The feeling I had was indescribable. I earned the nickname "Malaysian Murderer" after that game. I was after all, the first exchange student to get a hit.
I met the most amazing people here and they all have touched my life in many ways. Before I came here, I did not like to fend for myself. I was, simply put, a passive-hearted girl who disliked challenge of any sort. Insecure and feeling somewhat defeated by some personal struggles I have had to endure in my life, I was not confident of my capabilities. Evidently, being an exchange student is not easy. Fitting in with my host family and my friends did not happen overnight. The fact that I pushed myself out of my comfort zone and I was determined and bold enough to make decisions that I would never have before made me a stronger person, a person with a heart unbeatable by any other. Now it takes a lot to discourage me because I know that I am capable of making a difference. I feel obliged to educate the people around me with the knowledge that I have gained as I am currently volunteering with the Youth Exchange and Study Alumni Malaysia. I realize the importance of tolerance and appreciating the differences as I forged many worthwhile friendships in America. And it was through these friendships that I was able to effectively play my role as a young ambassador of my country. For me, the experienced affirmed that the will to succeed makes all things possible, a newfound principle that I currently apply to myself. For example, I am planning to take up French Language after a two year gap and I am determined to obtain the highest French Language Proficiency Certificate, regardless of how long it may take. This experience made me into a woman of conviction.
Before I left my home, I looked at my room for one last time and a smile blossomed on my face. I noticed that the oak tree has grown and stood tall outside my window. I was amazed by how much it had grown over the past six months and the tree reminded me of someone. That someone was me.
Normal text is an excerpt from your essay. Italics are my comments. Strike-throughs are your mistakes, red are my corrections.
Who would have ever thought that a small town girl like me, would ever step foot in America.This is a question, and therefore deserves a question mark. The comma is unnecessary.
It was not a very comforting thought and they became more restless when they found out how bad the Minnesota winter has been for the past month. I was the only one who was calm in my house, which is ironic because I was the one who would be braving the cold Minnesotan winterit. . Repeating Minnesota winter like that sounds awkward. Try not to repeat phrases too close together.
the images of were just playing in my mind like a silent movie. The images of what? I think you missed a word there.
It was perhaps the most complicating day of my life complicated
Little did I know how true it would be? Not a question, take out the question mark.
I learned a lot in that two days those , days are plural.
The first thing that came across my mind was the town had a queer name You might want to use strange or odd , queer has connotations you don't want right here.
my friends from Malaysia, as they all left for the different states comma unnecesary
anticipating aboutyou anticipate an action, maybe you were wondering about, or thinking about, curious about...
what would they think of me This is a question. Make it "and what they would think of me" and now it's a statement.
and said hi and gave me hugs Put "Hi" in quotes or say "greeted me", what you have here looks like dialogue, without the proper punctuation. It looks a bit sloppy.
moving in a fast pace things move at a fast pace
I have almost nothing to say had , past tense
girl in class Sure missed a period
that is about it was , should also be past tense
often time get to the gym oftentimes is one word and plural. It's also redundant, you'd do just as well saying often
afraid of being made fun of You shouldn't end sentences with prepositions, but it's not a big deal, you don't have to change it if you don't want to.
But being 15 miles away from my American high school You shouldn't start sentences with but , it's a conjunction and used to connect two opposing ideas. You can just take it out and the meaning stays the same.
They thought me everything No, they taught you everything.
and they never stopped giving up on me You mean they never gave up on you. "Never stopped giving up" means they always did, which is the opposite of what you mean. Careful with double negatives.
"Malaysian Murderer" That is a really cool nickname
This is a good and touching essay. You manage to get the feeling of apprehension, courage, and finally pride across very well. You just have to be a bit more careful with your grammar.
I met the most amazing people here and they all have touched my life in many ways.
I don't mean to put you down, but this sentence alone is worth expanding to an essay and will probably leave a better impression than the essay that you currently have. I know going to America is an exciting experience and you have shown it brilliantly with your colorful description, but what have you learn?
If this is an letter of appreciation, it would be great. But in a college application essay, do not expect to throw them your entire life and let the administration officers to interpret your life for you. Show them what you care, and how going to America has made you a better and a more mature person. I believed loving America is not an admission requirement.
Well, I may be wrong. You will have to decide for yourself.
Who would have ever thought that a small town girl like me, would ever step foot in America.
Wow, it is so interesting to hear people say things like that. As someone who grew up in America, I am very interested in your perspective.
I was just going along with the winter clothing shopping, the images of were just playing in my mind like a silent movie.--- here, at the end of the first paragra, I am still wondering what the essay will really be about. Appreciation? Overcoming adversity?Cultural barriers? The field of expertise you want to enter? I think you should add a thesis statement to the end of paragraph one so that the reader will be able to pay attention to each part of your story without having to try to figure out what the MAIN THEME of the essay will be.
Finally the day that I was waiting for arrived. It was perhaps the most
complicating complicated day of my life.
Keep the verb tense consistent, and it will sound nicer:
And here I am a person who did not even know what softball
is was all about.
You should establish the theme in the first paragraph, talk more about it in the last paragraph, and find a place in the middle to tell us how that theme helps you to know what you want to study in college. :-)
