I'm really bad with punctuation and I also need tips to on improving my essay.
Every morning in 8th grade, while my mom drove me to school, I would plug in my iPod and close my eyes. I wasn't just listening to the songs. I was imagining myself performing the songs. I wanted that feeling of accomplishment and admiration from the crowd. I would arrive at school reminding myself that this dream of mine isn't going to happen. David was going to prove me wrong. David has been one of my best friends since 6th grade. David is everything I wanted to be and more. He's intelligent , very funny, diligent, and athletic. It wouldn't be until 10th grade that I added "amazing vocalist/guitar player" to the list. I thought that David was going to be the one teach me everything I needed to know to be at his level. Instead, he taught me something more valuable, how to stand on my own two feet.
In 11th grade, our orchestra hosted an event called Asian Festival. I'm not really sure how the name came to be but it was basically a talent show. Hearing about this 4 months in advance, David and I started practicing. We looked at Billboard.com's Top 100 Music Hits to determine which song would please the audience. I went home thinking that if we really wanted to get our names out there maybe we should play an original song. A week later, I had a song written and I was eager to show it to David at our next band practice. I had it all planned out. He would be doing lead vocals and I would be accompany him on guitar. He said this to me when I showed him the lyrics sheet, "These are your words. It'll sound better if you sing it." That was the last thing I wanted to hear. Also, David never helped me with singing. If I ever came to him for help he'd always say "you'll figure it out." And through all the frustration that he gave me, I did figure it out.
Our sound check was the morning of Asian Festival. You know how your voice that you hear is different from how other people hear you? As I spoke through the microphone for the first time, that difference was amplified by 8 surrounding speakers. I felt a little uncomfortable but it was too late to start doubting myself. I wasn't going to let 4 months of practice go to waste. On the night of the performance, David and I sat behind the curtains ready to perform. The person in charge of the curtains gave us a thumbs up and started tugging on the ropes. Nearly 500 people materialized before me.
I could see all my friends seated in the first row. David knocked in the wood of his guitar 3 times and I began to sing.
I got a lot of "I didn't know you were a singer" comments the following week. I was glad to be even considered one. David didn't say much, but he wasn't the kind of guy to say much anyways. Maybe it was his silence that helped me the most in those past 4 months. I can't be spoon-fed my whole life. Through this experience, I'm reluctant to have David around to teach me that.
my advice to you is to rewrite the whole essay and make it shorter and more structured.
you have mentioned a lot of stuff that dosent connect to the prompt in any way
yeah and one more thing, you have changed the tense of the essay a lot of times. make sure you dont change it unless there is a very good reason.
...that this dream of mine wasn't going to happen.
or use italics as if talking to yourself:
...reminding myself, this dream of mine isn't going to happen.
This is great so far! I suggest a colon:
Instead, he taught me something more valuable: how to...
Commas:
I'm not really sure how the name came to be, but it
four instead of 4
This is such an excellent theme for a college essay. I like the details, such as tapping the guitar three times.
three instead of 3.
