Its not the actually title of my personal statement. I do not know if we need to title it. Do I?
Prompt #2 (all applicants)
Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?
I kept to myself as a child. Very observant, as liked to watch things happen from the outside. This was mostly because of my severe shyness. Growing up in a traditional Mexican family, I was taught to be quiet and obedient with the adults and often pushed to the side when it came to their adult conversations. Thus I never grew much of a thirst for attention. I was not very the social with people outside my family and did not interact often with others my age. Even then I was very aware of my flawed personality.
Over the years became more accustomed to public life because of school. Yet I was still terrified of being I the spotlight and public speaking. I always tried to stay behind the scenes. When given the chance, I would take the roles with the least lines in school plays. I envied the other kids who actually enjoyed being up there. I knew I had to make a change.
My change was not found in performing or public speaking, but leadership. I found a role inside me to be a leader for myself and others around me when needed. I am able to take charge to and tackle a given assignment. When working in teams, I am able to take responsibility and find ways to maximize our potential for success. One area where I was able to express my leadership skills was when I was a part of Yearbook. As an Editor I organized my team members by giving them jobs and supervising their work. It was part of my role to make sure tasks were completed and be held accountable for any mistakes.
Rather than being on the outside and letting things happen, I became someone who rises up to as a leader. In college I hope to use this leadership qualities, not just for others but myself. It is the discipline I need and drive to succeed.
The beginning may be a little abrupt perhaps change it to:
As a child I mostly kept to myself.
"Very observant, as liked to watch things happen from the outside.This was mostly because of my severe shyness."
I was very shy so I often observed others from a distance.
"I was not very the social with people outside my family and did not interact often with others my age"
I was not very social...
The essay is good just try to focus more on your evolution and growth and maybe add some more depth to your insight.
My opinion is that everything we write should have a title. A title is an important part of your method for communicating the main idea, even more important than a thesis statement. Yet, some AO readers would advise against it! So, it depends on the school, I guess. If you use a title, make sure it is not melodramatic.
This intro is not a good idea: I kept to myself as a child. Very observant, as liked to watch things happen from the outside. This was mostly because of my severe shyness. Growing up in a traditional Mexican family, I was If you want to talk about changing from an introvert to a leader, explain that change in one or two sentences. Make the essay about something more.
Make the essay about your specific plans and intentions... share with the reader your current situation and goals for the near future. Show that UC is the best option for you because of specific qualities that go well with your aspirations.
:-)
I think you should focus on how that change changed you...and more details are required
the "shyness" part was perphaps a little bit too much
good luck! I'm writting this essay as well.
