NYU is global, urban, inspired, smart, connected, and bold. What can NYU offer you, and what can you offer NYU? (200-400 words)
NOTE: I'm an international student from Germany. Please let me know about spelling mistakes!!!!
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"Do something today that your future self will thank you for" - I grew up in a rather affluent community and lots of teenagers didn't see a need to work for their future. In contrast, I always saw productivity as the best way to spend a day:
My dad once told me: "Son, don't waste your time on computer games; there's only one important game you're playing: Life!"
I founded my first own company at age 15; my main inspiration was the grey city I live in. Simply wanting to lighten it up a little, I started selling self-designed neon bracelets - the venture didn't only turn into a respectable local establishment with an own fashion collection and big events. More importantly for myself, I was able to find my definition of life and since then it has determined how I think about my future.
Stern offers individuals with a creative business-oriented outlet like me the best options imaginable. When I found out about the school, I was amazed by how deeply entrepreneurship and NYU are bonded. What the location in the heart of New York sets forth, NYU greatly extends forward through different projects and events like the Entrepreneurs Festival. Also, the options given by cooperating programs like the $200K challenge at the Berkeley Center leave me sitting on the edge of my chair; it's the kind of commitment to the future of students I've been searching for.
While the students brains are the engines of new startups, NYU offers the tools needed to keep these engines running from day one - all of this just besides the brightening academics.
With the intellectual diversity at the school, an incredible amount of clashing beliefs and ideas are the potential for the future. I will be highly inspired to contribute to the Entrepreneurial Institute with both the beliefs of my own heritage as well as newfound experiences.
My strong aim to contribute to student-organized startups throughout my education will be of great value for the motivation of other students. I am so driven by my ideas that I am confident to contribute to the community in a similar way I already do in my hometown. Whether new ideas will be coming from me or from my new peers; whether it will contain the design of neon bracelets or the breakthrough medicine to heal AIDS; with the help of extensive options offered and the support of a like-minded student body, NYU will help me to continue my passion throughout university. It will support me with a network that can only be found at an institution with a cosmopolitan outlook, not flatlined but immensely forthcoming in regards of realization of ideas.
J, you should lose the current introduction that you have because it does not help to respond to the prompt and in fact, diverts from the actual response of your essay
The actual essay response come from you in the paragraph after this one. It strongly indicates the reasons you chose NYU and what you have to offer as a potential student. By deleting your introduction, you can make more room to develop the essay in a more prompt adherent manner. Use the freed up word count to showcase the reasons for choosing NYU that may not be noticeable to most people. Remember, talk about the university, not the city. The city is not relevant in your response.
400 words is the maximum word count for the essay but that does not mean that you need to write down 400 words. If you feel that you have properly addressed the prompt with only 200 -300 or 350 words then you can stop. Sometimes, when responding to essay prompts, less words actually say more than an attempt to meet the maximum word count.
Vangiespen, thank you for your help.
The bracelet project is not mentioned in any other part of my application but I think I should include it somewhere. So now I tried to shorten the passage but didn't delete it entirely. Please let me know what you think of the sufficiency of the rewritten essay...
I'm not sure about the new first sentence but I just feel like I need some anecdote for a start. If any of you have other ideas, please let me know.
As for the language used: Where could I improve?
I'm at the 400w max; would like to cut down to include a title. Ideas?
J, we don''t really need the anecdote in this kind of statement response. You need to be as direct to the point as possible and just answer the questions being asked. Don't offer answers to questions that are not posed. It will not help your essay in any way. The latter part of the essay works very well in answering the prompt so I suggest that you delete the portion below to shorten you word count and give you more room to add direct answers to the prompt if you feel you can do that.
My dad once told me: .. .
After you delete that portion, you need to beef up these particular lines:
While the students brains are the engines of new startups, NYU offers the tools needed to keep these engines running from day one - all of this just besides the brightening academics.
The reason I am asking you to develop those lines is because you definitely make your potential contribution to NYU clear but, the reasons you chose NYU, the question of "What does NYU have to offer to you?" is not fully answered. So you need to work on that part and everything will fall into place in the essay for sure.
