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"something to make a business better" - Help with UT transfer essay


jamdeek 1 / 3  
Oct 29, 2010   #1
Hi, I want to transfer to UT Austin, and here is my transfer essay and it's question (in bold). Any help is wanted! Thanks :)

The statement of purpose will provide an opportunity to explain any extenuating circumstances that you feel could add value to your application. You may also want to explain unique aspects of your academic background or valued experiences you may have had that relate to your academic discipline. The statement of purpose is not meant to be a listing of accomplishments in high school or a record of your participation in school-related activities. Rather, this is your opportunity to address the admissions committee directly and to let us know more about you as an individual, in a manner that your transcripts and other application information cannot convey.

For a long time, I didn't know what I wanted to do with my life. As a child, I had the same dreams and aspirations as any other five year old. I wanted to be a firefighter, a baker, a lawyer, a pilot, and even a Tyrannosaurus Rex at one point! As I older, and became more exposed to the different possibilities of what I could be, my confusion continued to increase. And then to top it all off, after my first year of high school, my Dad said "I got a promotion, in Thailand, so everyone start packing!" Though it wasn't quite that simple, the next thing I knew, our plane landed in Bangkok, Thailand - one of the most diverse, interesting, and crowded city on the planet! From there, my whole perspective of things changed.

Now for a kid from a small town called Lake Jackson (just outside of Houston), Bangkok was a dynamic change from the more conservative, old fashioned town I was used to. I experienced many things in Thailand, too many to list in this essay in fact! But I did realize something. I realized what I wanted to do with my life.

I met a lot of people that I will never forgot in Thailand. Because I went to an International school, the friends I made had lived all over the world. I really experienced a cultural medley of different people. How everyone had something to add to our school. Everyone had a part to play. That's why I would like to become a part in the McCombs School of Business.

In a business, you have accountants, financial analysts, managers, CEO's, and other jobs. A business utilizes every aspect of each sector to run. If there were no accountants, the companies finances would run amok. If there weren't any managers, there would be no order to run the business. Every single person has something to make a business better. It's a living, breathing entity that is derived from the experiences, skills, and knowledge of all those that participate in it. And I realized that I want to be a part of the cogs that form this great entity. It's a little different from being a Tyrannosaurus Rex, but it's still something that I would love to be.
UK Essayist - / 2  
Oct 29, 2010   #2
I've written some articles on admission essays (I'll post the links for two of them below). I think your essay is great, however, needed some slight editing, which I've done (see edited essay below). Let me know if I can be of any additional help:

For a long time, I didn't know what I wanted to do with my life. As a child, I had the same dreams and aspirations as any other five year old. I wanted to be a firefighter, a baker, a lawyer, a pilot, and even a Tyrannosaurus Rex at one point! As I grew older and became more exposed to the different possibilities of what I could be, my confusion continued to increase. And then to top it all off, after my first year of high school, my Dad said "I got a promotion in Thailand, so everyone start packing!" Though it wasn't quite that simple, the next thing I knew, our plane landed in Bangkok, Thailand - one of the most diverse, interesting, and crowded cities on the planet! From there, my whole perspective of things changed.

Now for a kid from a small town called Lake Jackson (just outside of Houston), Bangkok was a dynamic change from the more conservative, old fashioned town I was used to. I experienced many things in Thailand, too many to list in this essay in fact! But I did realize something. I realized what I wanted to do with my life.

I met a lot of people that I will never forget in Thailand. Because I went to an International school, the friends I made had lived all over the world. I really experienced a cultural medley of different people. I liked the fact that everyone had something different to add to our school; everyone had a part to play. That's why I would like to become a part in the McCombs School of Business.

In a business, you have accountants, financial analysts, managers, CEO's, and other jobs. A business utilizes every aspect of each sector to run. If there were no accountants, the company's finances would run amok. If there weren't any managers, there would be no order to run the business. Every single person has something to make a business better. It's a living, breathing entity that is derived from the experiences, skills, and knowledge of all those that participate in it. And, I realized that I want to be a part of the cogs that form this great entity. It's a little different from being a Tyrannosaurus Rex, but it's still something that I would love to be.

Writing a Successful College Application Essays:
College Essay Topics:
OP jamdeek 1 / 3  
Oct 29, 2010   #3
So do you think that it's good enough like how it is (with your additions of course)?
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Nov 6, 2010   #4
For a long time, I didn't know what I wanted to do with my life. As a child, I had the same dreams and aspirations as any other five year old.

I don't think this is a good way to start. It is all about mediocrity. Why not be all about some interesting concept? Start out by drawing the reader into a vision you have for the future, something you want to do.

From there, my whole perspective of on things changed.
I think this could be better with fewer words:
From there, my whole perspective of things changed.

ha ha, I really like this sentence: If there were no accountants, the companies finances would run amok.

Okay, here is my challenge for you. Start a new essay, and start it with the last paragraph of this essay as the first para of the new essay.

Write this:
In a business, you have accountants, financial analysts, managers, CEO's, and other jobs. A business utilizes every aspect of each sector to run... and continue until you get to the part where you want to be a part of this. Write an essay about the specific industry you would like to enter and the goals you have as a businessperson. Get very specific with this new essay, which will be all about business.

:-) I hope that is not too much of a challenge!


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